Much later on January 17th 2014....

I’m typing this with tears in my eyes…

I just got back from the Emergency Room… It is 11:54pm EST.

I went to Tripoint Medical Center in Concord, OH around 5pm… I informed Drew that I was cramping and it was getting worse…

Our fears were shared in that it was a miscarriage, but we were trying to remain hopeful…

Four hours went by, and it was nearing 9pm, and I was still waiting to be told what I already knew… I was beginning to get frustrated… I wish they would just tell me what was going on already…

I was being poked, prodded, and was hooked up to at least 3 IV’s. I was dehydrated and in pain. They had me on fluids, an antibiotic infusion, and an infusion for my Addison’s and a pain med. I was getting sick of just sitting and waiting… not to mention four ultrasounds? How many times do you need to get an ultrasound to confirm what was going on?

The doctor came in, and told me the news I did not want to hear… the news I had heard so many times before…

“I am so sorry, you’re loosing the baby”

Really? The last thing a woman wants to be told is that they are going to lose their baby. The exact thing they were holding onto hope for.

He continued…

“We believe the reason your miscarrying is because your Cortisol levels are through the roof high. High Cortisol and your High TSH combined with your other conditions makes life unsustainable for a pregnancy. There is no way the baby would have made it. You went nearly a month without your Addison’s medications, and you chose to move, and so it is partially your fault.”

REALLY? At this point I wanted to punch the doctor… but I was too emotional and in too much of a state of shock to react to his statement… 

The baby I had held onto… the want for another walking miracle… The want to keep Drew in my life… the hope I had… all shattered… in an instant. I couldn’t grasp it… I didn’t want to accept it… It felt like my entire world was coming down all around me.

All I wanted was to be home in my bed, wake up and be told this was a nightmare… The baby I wanted, and dreamed, was being taken from me…

Anger… questioning God… Why’s, How’s, so many unanswered questions… I just wanted to let it be done and over…

He continued …

“I am so very sorry and my condolences… “

“Your spotting now, you may start to notice within the next two weeks clotting, and excessive heavy bleeding, this is normal… follow up with your OB/GYN to ensure your body has “cleaned itself out” and that you do not need Misopropitol and an Antibiotic. Also to ensure you do not need a D&C”

“Some things are not meant to be…”

“Here are your discharge papers…”

It felt like all a dream, it really did… It felt like I was going to wake up, and the last two weeks of hell are going to be over, Drew will be lying next to me in my bed, and I’d still be happily pregnant…

I went home, and I had half a billion “Sorries” and people asking what went on. 

I felt like it was my fault, and all I could keep muttering to Drew was I was sorry. I was angry and so I told him out of anger that he could go back to his life, and he got what he wanted… and he told me that was untrue, that both of us wanted this baby, and that he being around Gabby made him realize how much he wanted children..

I made a facebook post explaining that I REALLY didn’t want to hear anymore sorries. That it didn’t change anything and that I Just wanted to be hugged and told everything would be okay…

I was angry with Drew because he didn’t stop what he was doing, and drive back to see me at the hospital. I knew he was out with his friends and was going to Strip Clubs over the weekend, and I was angry that this had more precedence over him losing his child with me.. 

I felt unloved, uncared for, and like this would tear what little bit of love I had for him away… that it would distance us…

And all I can do now is cry… Cry my heart out… because what I wanted more than anything in this world was taken from me… and it’s so unfair..