A Letter To My TWO year old

Dear Lucius (Or Lucky, Or Luca, Or Luke, Or Loose, Or Lucy, Or Bubba, Or Sweet Boy 😉 )

Today, as we celebrate you turning two years old, I find myself super emotional, and just wanting to celebrate you.

Let me explain: Lately I’ve been reflecting on the fascinating way my love for you has shifted over time. When you were first born—in those initial first weeks of helplessness and those speedy first months of development—my love for you was incredibly instinctual. It was a powerful maternal connection.  

I loved you because you were my baby. Or, more accurately, because you were my baby. AND YOU STILL ARE.

But… Now you’re two, and it’s occurred to me that my love for you goes far beyond your connection to me. I love you so much sometimes it makes me cry (but for good reasons of course)

I realize it when you talk about your shapes, colors, and numbers. I realize it when you reach for excitement for me when I pick you up at daycare. Or when you say “spin” and reach your arms out to be spun around and laugh joyfully before saying “more” I realize it as your eyes light up with excitement when we try new things. Or when you swing on the swing for the first time like a big boy. I realize it when you run and give me a kiss and hug, and I never want to let you go. I realize it when you throw a ball, and then chase after it eagerly, to throw it to me again. Or when you ride on your Tonka truck outside, chasing your big sister and the other kids. I realize it when you finish your bowl of my spaghetti, and you exclaim “all done” and I want to kiss you and tell you “good job!”
There are so many more examples I could give because you are such a smart, unique, special, little boy.

And at two years old, you are separate from me. You are your own unique individual, and—here’s the kicker—you’re awesome.  

You have turned into this amazing little boy. You love everyone, and everything, and you are fearless. You love to climb. I hope that never changes for you. I hope you try everything you ever wanted to do. You are one of the happiest little boys I’ve ever seen. Always smiling. Always loving. This is a fond reminder, that I must be doing something right.

As you’ve grown more independent and your personality has emerged stronger and stronger, I find myself marveling at how incredible of a person you are. Even though I am tired, and have some rough days, I know that I’d still want to play hide-and-seek with you, sing and dance, and just hang out with you! 

My love for you today is based strongly on who you are as your own person—rather than on the simple fact that you’re my son. And trust me when I say this. I love you to the moon, stars and back again. You’re such an amazing little boy.

The coolest part about that phenomenon? The realization that it’s only going to keep growing.

As you continue to grow and develop, so will the way I love you. As your likes and dislikes become more different—as you face successes, challenges, and disappointments in life—my heart will expand to new places, too.

And then one day I will wake up and you will be an adult, one that I hope to love not only as a son, but also as a friend. I hope that you are forever a mommy’s boy, and that never changes. 

I hope you grow in the Lord and do amazing things. I hope you do good things in your life. I hope you continue to grow up to be this amazing person. I hope you become the gentleman that doesn’t break a girl’s heart. I hope you go far. I hope you realize how much I needed you when you came into this world, because son, you brought so much light back into my life, and even my eyes show it.
So, I guess my message to you on your second birthday is simply this: You are awesome. Your boundless energy, your sweet demeanor, your creative spirit—it all comes together to make you a truly remarkable little human being.  

I feel privileged to be your mama. From a parent’s perspective, it doesn’t get any cooler than that.

As you journey into the next year—which I’m sure will be the tremendous twos, with some terrible thrown in for good measure—I’m filled with anticipation to watch you become more and more uniquely you. My heart will be right there, growing alongside you, my love spreading to cover every new inch of you.

I love you, my awesome son.
Happy Birthday.
Love your Mom.


Today, you are TWO.

As I look back at photos preparing for your second birthday party, I get a bit teary eyed.

Wasn't it just yesterday I was praying for two pink lines as I dealt with heartbreak and infertility treatments month after month?
Wasn't it just yesterday that I had given up.
Wasn't it just yesterday I went through foster to adopt to have a child of my own.
And just yesterday I found out I was pregnant and was in disbelief and shock?
Wasn't it just yesterday that Nicole was photographing your gender reveal and entrance into this world?

Wasnt it just yesterday Vivi was giving me advice?
Wasnt it just yesterday as I gave birth to you 100% natural and determined to do so, that I sobbed as you were placed on my chest and cried for the first time?
Wasn't it just yesterday that Bobbi was photographing your 1/2 birthday and 1st birthday photo smash?


Wasn't it just yesterday you got baptized? Met Mama Carolyn for the first time.
Wasn't it just yesterday I was holding you in my arms as you cried. Rocking you back and forth.

Wasn't it just yesterday you got your first nightmare or wanted me to kiss your booboos and make it better?
Wasnt it yesterday you took your first steps? Called to me 'Mama'?
I swear. I blinked and now you're two.
And I can't believe this is happening.
Slow down, time.

I am so incredibly happy and blessed to be your mom.
Gabby is so incredibly blessed to be your sister and she loves and adores you so stinking much.

Your godmother Felicia loves you so much.
Your Aunty Vanessa and Tiffany love you too.
You have some amazing little cousins to grow up with.
You have some amazing grandparents and great grandparents.
You have an amazing family that loves you.

My little man... You're not so little anymore...
You have brought light back into my eyes and given me hope again. You made me believe in miracles and myself. You make me smile when I am feeling down and make me want to be a better mom and person.

I am so happy you're a mommy's boy. I hope that never changes. I am so incredibly proud of the little man you have become. I looked forward to everything you accomplish in the coming year, my love.

Happy TWO!
I will see you tonight at 5 and we will celebrate tomorrow with Dinner and Sunday with your party.
Mommy loves you.

22Q Results....

I am NOT a carrier of 22Q.
This means that Gabby's 22Q/DiGeorges is likely a De Novo result.

In asking the Genetecist what this result means and what this means for Gabby, they said the following:

"What we currently don't know is whether the deletion is something Gabby's father was born with which she inherited from him, or if the deletion is the result of a brand new genetic change (not found in all of the cells of either parent) that was present only in the egg or the sperm at the time of her conception. Either way, this is not the type of genetic change that could be caused by medication use and is something that Gabby was born with. It is either a brand new change in Gabby, or something she inherited from her father"

So, Gabby's genetic condition is likely the result of what is called "De Novo" which means it is something that just happens.

A Boyfriend? :) (No Not an April Fools Joke!)

So, remember last time, I wrote, I was explaining I was going to give up? Well, I guess someone had other plans, because I met a guy 😉 This all actually happened a day after my last update.

His name is Andrew. Which is ironic because when I would pray about God giving me a good man, I would constantly hear Andrew. I would think the reason why I was hearing that was because John’s brother is named Andrew, and when I pray, I usually think of Carolyn. But… I guess this is why I kept hearing Andrew. At least, I hope.

Anyway, he is 28, and has a good job. He works as a machinist. He is really good with my kids. His birthday is my mom’s birthday, August 12th. And He treats me really good. 

So, here is the story:
On March 7th, 2019, I started talking to guy on OKCupid (or as we joke and call it, OK Stupid) and after nearly two days of hoping the app sent the other person our message, we decided to talk on Discord because, what gamer doesn't have discord ;)
We talked essentially nonstop for several hours over the next few days at which point, I informed him that I was going to be AFKish because of the Hemophilia B Symposium in Florida and scored his digits  at which point, we talked pretty much nonstop until I returned home. 

He would respond with silly things like "Potassium" for "k" and I would get his jokes and sense of humor and laugh. After much talking and laughter, on March 22, we shared our first date. 

We went to Max & Irma’s and then to see a movie. We saw Captain Marvel. Everything went wonderfully, despite how incredibly nervous I was, and I'll admit, I was a tad nervous to have him meet my kids, but everything else has worked out and is pretty much history. 

I love this adorable, handsome, nerdy, patient guy who just gets me. He can look at me, and just make me laugh. I'm happier than I have ever been, and I'm super-duper happy that I took another shot at OKC before giving up entirely, after having been single for 2 years. 

It was worth it, this taking a chance thing. And I'm honestly looking forward to many more months (and years hopefully) with this guy. Because he makes me that happy.
I mean, what other guy is going to sit, and watch “girly shows” over ice cream with me or wipe my tears when I cry.

As for being an SMBC, the option is still there. I feel it will always be there, but Andrew and I discussed kids, and we discussed I don’t want more than 4 kids, and it wasn’t responsible to have children this early in the relationship, and that I’d like to make it to a year and surpass living together and such before that happens.

We’re talking tentatively for August for him moving in, and so we shall see where life goes, but I DO still want 1 or 2 more kids. And I want it before I am 35.

So… goals
-         Graduate college with my Bachelor of Science in Information Technology with emphasis in security and forensics
-         Graduate from Lakeland with my IT Professional Cert
-         Graduate from Nextgen IT with my Full Stack Network Engineer Cert
-         Get my license!
-         Go back to work for Apple (I am currently on leave because I am focusing on the court, kids health, and all that nonsense)

But, I love this man right here, and he is worth it.


Update: March 6 2019

My update has some plusses and minuses. 

Right now, I am on hold from being a SMBC until life settles down. Life seems to be complicated right now. Having a baby will only add to that complication, I feel.

My daughter who is my 9-year-old with major special needs has had some severe behaviors. Police involved. Court. CPS involved with protective supervision.

God is showing me its not the right time. 

Also, I fought with insurance for 3 months (I have 3 insurances my primary covers fertility, the others cover labs ect.) and finally got them to approve my Microarray SNP on March 1st (genetic test that looks at all my genetics/dna to see if I have any deletions/duplications ect.and if I carry the 22Q Deletion Syndrome) 
I should get the results in 2 weeks.
Jan 8th 2019, I started Prenatals. I am on Prenate Mini, so that when the time is correct, my body is on optimal prenatals. I am hoping that things settle soon. 

I have tried the whole "dating" thing, but everyone ghosts me. So, I am giving up there.
If I meet someone, I'll tell them my plans if they stick around. Selfish? sure. But I just don't want to keep waiting and telling someone after the fact. Especially if they wont stick around. 

In the meantime, my REI wants me to schedule another appt with him. 

I will do that once I get the results back, and probably in April/May/June

We go to Orlando next week and will be gone the 13-20th for the Hemophilia B Symposium, which the Coalition for Hemophilia B is putting on, and has sponsored my family to be able to attend.  I am excited to meet other mothers, and advocate for my son. I am also excited to learn more about Hemophilia B.

My plan is to get results from test, schedule appt with REI, go over plan, and proceed hopefully with IUD removal, HSG and then donor sperm. 

I have to schedule their counseling appt, but before I do, I want life to settle down first.
I'd also like to accomplish getting my license first. Will need to drive, for baby(ies) and I take the bus right now, but that’s a hassle with 2 (My 9 and 2 year old) 

God is telling me July. I keep hearing July. So, we shall see. My best friend is 10 weeks pregnant though!!!! We have babies a month apart (her son and mine were born June 2017 and July 2017) and she wants me and her to have kids close in age again haha.