One Year.

 
My Sweet Sweet Lucius,

You're a year old today. A whole 365 days. I just can't get over those words. I start to cry every time I think about it, maybe because I don't want you to grow up so fast but also because it's been such a rollercoaster of a year. 
Those tears are mostly happy, joyful tears, but a little sad, too. I look back at our first year together and see the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. You have changed my heart in ways I never saw coming. You gave me hope back, and a light in my eye that I never thought I'd see. You filled holes so deep, that the depth of them hurt to bear. You were needed in my life, and God chose you so perfectly and he made you just as I had envisioned.


I had a gut feeling you were a boy from the beginning. There's just some things that a Mama knows, and that was one of them for me. I didn't even need the MaterniT21 test, I knew you were my son.
Looking back now, I wouldn't change a single minute in our journey, because the Lord knew what a precious, wonderful gift He was giving to me. It was worth every second of waiting. You were worth every hard day of waiting for a baby. You were worth every loss, and every ounce of pain.

Those first few days in the hospital were bliss, like out of a dream, but I don't think I had really slept either, because I couldn't stop looking at you. I couldn't believe you were actually here, and that you were mine. 
Those first few weeks (well months, if I'm being honest) were a blur looking back now. They seemed to have lasted forever, but now I know they were really just a blink. The days were long but the months were really short. 
I wish I could say I enjoyed every minute, but we both know that's not true. And I've learned as the year has passed that that's okay. I look back at photos of you in those first few weeks and barely remember you looking so tiny. People told me to cherish those days, because they pass so quickly, but all I could do is cry and wish for those days filled with reflux, tears, and guilt to be over already. 
I think I cried some days because I was struggling so hard, but trying to hide it. I felt guilty for having such terrible postpartum depression and feeling alone. 
I struggled with going back to work, which ultimately lead me to a fifteen month paid leave on short term disability, where I spent every moment I could with you. 
And, we made it through. The Lord met me in those moments and truly redeemed the hard days and nights. I got to know you and you got to know me. We finally started figuring each other out, and the fog seemed to lift a little. There were less tears on both of our parts, lots more sleep, and finally the joy I was supposed to feel in the beginning. 
It was hard in the beginning, because your daddy decided that we would be better off being coparents, instead of a family, and I just never envisioned my life that way. 
I was so afraid of something happening to you, that I co-slept with you until you couldn't fit in your co-sleeper anymore, at around 6-9 months old, when you were moved into your own room. I will admit, I miss the co-sleeping and cuddling. 
You got cuter with every day that passed, but I am sort of bias. I looked forward to getting you out of your bed in the morning, because you were so happy to see me that your smile almost leapt off your face. Your eyes became bluer and bluer with every day, too, and my goodness did your strawberry blonde hair just continue to grow.
You are the happiest boy Lucius, and You've already got such a big personality. When you smile, your whole face smiles. I pray that you always have that kind of contagious happiness in your spirit. It never fails--when we're out in public, we're stopped by no less than 3 people saying how beautiful or happy or precious you are. You're the center of attention, and for good reason! And, my goodness, what a flirt you are!
You've gone from a tiny little boy who had his nights and days confused to laughing, sitting, crawling, clapping, waving, and taking your first steps. You have teeth with a few more expected any day. You say "ma-ma," "da-da," "Ne-ne," "bye" and your new word is "ow" and you mimic a lot of words we say in your baby talk. You love your sister more than she knows. Your whole face lights up when she walks into the room.
I just can't believe we're celebrating you being ONE!


I can promise you this from this day on:
I promise to treasure every second from here on out. I promise to truly experience those moments. Even when it's hard, and even when you're so fussy that I just want to scream. Even on the hardest of days, I'm going to remember

every second, every emotion, every fear, and every joy. 
I'm going to savor every new thing  you do and every milestone we reach. Sometimes life happens way too fast for my heart and soul to process, but I'm going to do all that I can to make those first days up to you. 
I promise to never wish a day with you away. You've taught me more in a year than I ever imagined--you saved my life and gave me back a life that is truly joy-filled and worth living.
Today is going to be a big celebration. I'll try not to cry too much, but if the tears come, I promise you, they're happy tears. You're one of the best things that ever happened to me. You were something I never thought would ever happen. You gave me light back into my life, and a reason to hope again. You bring so much happiness and joy into my life, and to your sisters. God knew we needed you. 
 
Thank you, Jesus, for this little life. 
Happy first Birthday,Lucius-John Matthew Xavier Blau.
I Love to the moon and back, always and forever.
Mama.

 

Coparenting.


It's been a journey.
It's been a hard, long journey.
So many ups and downs in this thing called life.
There are so many things I could say.
There are so many things that are felt.
There are a lot of people that are talking.
Everyone has a story and this idea as to why a once beautiful in your eyes family is no longer together.
Truth is.
Sometimes things don't work out.
Sometimes things fall apart.
Sometimes people grow apart.
Sometimes love isn’t enough anymore.
And sometimes, there’s so much hurt, that cannot be repaired.
As an outsider, looking in, of course you want to see that picture-perfect image, of a little perfect family with a white picket fence
And of course, that’s my dream.
That was my dream for you, and for your sister, and all my children.
But we are all human.
We have our faults.
We stumble and fall.
We make mistakes.
We try again and again, and again, hoping that it will work out.
 And in the end sometimes things just aren't what you hope they are.
You get a small glimpse of reality but honestly in the end it's what you choose to see.
I used to sit and think that there were families I’d love to be like.
I can count them on my fingers.
That is how many people I look up to and wanted to model my family after.
I think we all do it.
We all read between the lines.
We all have that dream that we want.
We all want that white picket fence, perfect family life.
We all don’t want to think about the reality….
The reality that a family may not be the family we once had in mind….
Co-parenting is not what I ever had planned for you, my son.
Didn’t cross my mind after the many chances that were given.
Didn’t cross my mind when I let them back in.
Definitely didn’t cross my mind, when you were born after a five-year infertility battle, and so much loss.
Of course, it's not.
We all want that picture perfect family, right?
Well, I'm be very opened with you all right now.
We are no longer that picture perfect family.
How do you know we ever were?
We are now just two parents simply raising a beautiful miracle and we are doing our best.
Two different people. Now two different lives, and two different families.
But.
One remains the same.
Our Son. Our world. His Journey.
In two different homes. In two very different families. Raising one very amazing, little miracle.
One that looking back, that we never thought would ever happen.
Please, keep in mind when you hear one side of a story.
That's just it. One side.
And even then,
All that matters is one thing.
Our time that we have with Lucius-John and watching him grow into this marvelous little human being.
I love you son.




6 Months Old


My Sweet Boy…

I cannot believe you are SIX MONTHS OLD today. Where has time gone? 

These first six months of life with you have been magical, and you are everything I ever dreamed of. Not only have you changed from a tiny little newborn into someone with a little personality and flirt, but you’ve also grew a ton!

Times have not always been the easiest around here. Your father and I have separated and even though we remain civil and are trying to form a friendship, things have been rough.

Mommy has been working on herself and trying to get her mental health into check, and while she is working on herself, she is enjoying watching you grow and develop into this amazing little boy.
Six months ago, you were this tiny little person pretty oblivious to the world around you, but now you notice when we eat, and you notice when you’ve lost a toy that you want.


 

Six months ago, you cried, and slept a lot. Now you laugh, and giggle, and you are awake and getting into everything and exploring the world around you.

Six months ago, you couldn’t smile, but now your smile lights up my life.

Six months ago, we co-slept together in bed, but now you sleep in your own room in a pack and play and sleep through the night.

Six months ago, we had no idea you needed a special formula to thrive, and now you are growing so much the doctors laugh.

Here soon, you will be crawling, and then up-up and away, you will be walking.

Mommy is having a hard time fathoming that you are SIX MONTHS OLD!



As I sit here and think about how much life has changed, I wanted to share all things going through my mind with you.  I'll try to get through it all, and I promise to try to not cry. 

You've been in my life for 6 months.  How has it been that long already??  Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was crying because I had just given birth to you naturally?

Life with you is great. Here are the things I love about life with you.

It's louder.  Remember when I said you cry at night and fight sleep?  That's one of my favorite times of the night. You are such a good sleeper and always have been a wonderful sleeper, sleeping through the night since you were born. And sometimes there are nights where I'm so tired that I'm saying, "Lucius, honey, please go to sleep."  And then you do.  Right in my arms.  And I slowing stop walking.  Slowly stop bouncing and sshing.  And I just stare.  I know you won't always fit in my arms, nor will you always want to be there.  So, for now, I hold you a little longer, and sometimes I wait till my arms are asleep before I put you down.  I look at you, and then I close my eyes and try to sear how it feels into my mind because one day, not too long from now, this part of my life will all be memories, too.

It's also louder because you squeal and giggle.  A LOT.  And I LOVE IT.  Seriously, one of my favorite sounds in the world.  I would take that squeal over silence any day.  And you giggle.  You are the happiest baby.  You smile and my whole world lights up.  And in case you haven't caught on, you are my whole world. 

The "me" time is now "you" time.  And I wouldn't trade it for the world.  The extra money goes to your needs, mostly diapers, formula...and it goes to clothes and books and toys...but they are all for you.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love shopping for you.  

Now I spend my mornings sipping coffee between fighting the bottle and staring at your precious face.  I wonder what kind of man you'll grown into.  I wonder what kind of kid you'll be...will you want to play with dirt all day?  Will you be a reader?  Will you be a jock? Will you be a Football Player aspiring to be a Carolina Panther someday? Will you enjoy metal music like your dad and I do? Will you be into reading, writing, and poetry? Will music be the passion of your life? Will you enjoy computers as much as your dad and I do? A little of all of these?  Sometimes I just try to remember exactly what you look like in that moment because your looks change so fast and I want to remember it all.

Here's the thing that I can tell you about has changed the most since you came into my life 6 months ago...there is more joy than I could have ever imagined.  

More love than I knew my heart could hold.  And if the only thing I am ever known for is being Gabby and Lucius’ Mom, then my life will be the most full it could ever be.  
 



So, I fibbed about the not crying thing...I'm a crier.  You'll learn that.  I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm mad, when I'm too excited.  Just get used it.  And right now, I'm wiping tears off my face in my room, counting down the minutes till I get to see my favorite thing.  YOU.








I love you, my little man. My bubba. My louie. My Lucky. My Luca. My love. I LOVE YOU.
Love, Mommy