One More Try....

Okay, I know, I know... We said we werent going to "try" again, but weren't going to prevent either.
My fiancee & I decided that we were going to give Clomid Round #3 one more try.
So I started Clomid 150mg yesterday, on CD3.
That in itself was interesting...

I didn't really have side effects from 50mg or 100mg. With 150mg I felt naseated and had a terrible headache. That could have been from my Metformin, or could have been from my Clomid, or lack of eating, who knows. I have a terrible habit of taking medications on an empty stomach.

Getting the Clomid was TERRIBLY hard to do. It could have been easier, if doctors and nurses were not so gosh darn incompetant. So basically, on CD2, my day goes like this...

Argue with the Doctor to give me 150mg of Clomid... send it over to Walmart...
She sent it to Walmart but the RN who put the order in sent over 50mg.
I was expecting to get there, and have 150mg be ready... of course not...
I ask them to pick up the medication, they say its 50mg. I say to the pharmacist (who was VERY rude mind you) that it was supposed to be 150mg, that if he looked at the records, 2 months ago was 50mg, last month was 100mg, and if those didn't work, why would he put me at 50mg again? He said "thats the doctor who submitted it, sorry. We cant just give you 150mg" I said "thats fine, I will get on the phone with the on call doctor to have it fixed"

So I call into my doctors office. Its at 5pm. Regular OBGYN not available.
I get an "after hours" secretary who has to send the message over to the on-call OBGYN.
I get a phone call 45 minutes later from the on-call OBGYN who says she read Dr. Shay's notes, and I am correct, and she doesn't know why the RN submitted it for 50mg, when the 50mg and 100mg didnt work. 
I had her on my cell phone mind you, and my cell phone was at 10% power... and I had already missed the bus, so I had to call a cab... I asked the Pharmacist if she could take the phone call from my cell, and she said "The doctor has to call us" I said "she just said she did, but your phones ring and ring"

Then at this point, the head pharmacist comes out, and he goes "I am going to put a stop to this right now before this gets ugly. You see we have only a few staff working. She needs to call the phone # for pharmacy and she needs to wait. I have a doctor on hold presently and its going to be 4-5 minutes. You need to just be patient ma'am" and I was like "Grrr, okay..."

So to make a long story short, by the time my Clomid 150mg was picked up on CD2, and I got home, it was nearly 7pm, and I had to work 8pm to 1am that night. I was frustrated because I was tired and still had to pack and I had terrible AF Cramps, and had to still pack for my trip to Cleveland to see my fiancee.

Speaking of which....
Fiancee & I will be seeing each other from CD3 to CD14. So I am *hoping* Maybe to ovulate within that time period and have a chance of getting pregnant... 

Mostly, because We're getting MARRIED on Sunday! Ahhh, So nervous! haha. We're going away to a special honeymoon suite. It has a In Suite Pool, Couple Shower & Jacuzzi, and its going to have candle light, and aromatherapy, flowers on the bed, in the shape of a heart, dinner for two at an Italian Restaurant, and it has a relaxing fireplace. Wednesday, we're going to an AMAZING water park, and its indoor, and its called Calahari's Water Resourt. Its going to be amazing...


So I am excited, but I am trying to be optimistic that 150mg Clomid will work this cycle. After all, the 50mg did work, I got pregnant, and had a chemical, but If it doesn't than maybe I do need to wait a bit, and maybe I need a specialist in the area of Reproductive Endocrinology. I know I am deficient in progesterone, and I know I will likely need PIO Shots, and Lovonox during pregnancy. If Clomid doesn't work, I am told the next step would be Femera, and then Trigger Shots, and then IUI, IVF ect. So I am hopeful that between one of these, I shall get my miracle rainbow baby...

So thats pretty much it. I will post LOADS of photos from honeymoon, and the wedding and the suite ect. 

October is....





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October is, and always will be a very emotional month for us. It is the month that we remember our children who were lost. It is the month we break the silence and let people know it is okay to talk about miscarriages, stillbirths, child losses. It is the month we too share with CarlyMarie in our journey in grieving our child(ren) like so many others...

This October, I will be remembering MY babies. OUR babies. OUR precious children, who are no longer with us. This October, I Grieve, and I remember...

If you know me personally, you also know that the most recent loss hit me hard, being that it was with my fiancee, and could have easily been prevented with progesterone and lovonox, which the doctors refused to provide me with. 

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I would be just over 13 weeks pregnant, and entering second trimester right now. But I'm not, and it hurts. And it is something that I still struggle to come to terms with and deal with each day. 

Most people find the topic of pregnancy and infant loss a hard one to talk about. Lord knows, I struggle talking about it because of my emotions, but I want to take the time to say to anyone struggling with this, that it is okay to talk about how you feel, and to miss your babie(s) and you can find some amazing support groups that will help you through. And believe me, I understand... I get it. Because I've been there...

I also want to just take the time to please be kind and thoughtful to those that have lost their babies whether that loss was tangible to you or not. Any loss is a tangible loss to a mother who has lost their child as a result of miscarriage, pregnancy, still-birth, infant loss, and childhood loss. 
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I'm not here to tell you it is an easy thing to get through... The reality is that you will grieve forever. Death never gets easier. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a family member, a child or a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to. Two years doesn't mean it gets easier, almost like 5 years doesn't make it easier. It doesn't matter if it occurred a lifetime ago, or yesterday, what matters is it hurt, it hurts, and still does hurt. It will always hurt, and its not something one can just forget about.

You don’t get over it, you just get through it. Your don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn't ‘get better,’ It just gets different. Everyday grief puts on a new face

My point is... It hurts, and it always will... and its an open wound still healing... but you have to allow yourself to grieve... cry... hurt... feel...
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Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn child. But this is not just a statistic. This is a life and a death.

It my belief that life begins at conception—that is, the fertilization of the ovum by the sperm. God knows the name and age of each person from their mother’s womb.

We must therefore recognize that pregnancy loss—miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or stillbirth—all result in the death of a human being, a baby, a Child of God. Parents who were anticipating life are now confronted with death. These deaths result in millions of parents and families grieving.

In 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month throughout the United States noting that, “National Observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members on work to prevent causes of these problems….”

Subsequently, the resolution to declare October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day passed the United States House of Representatives on September 28, 2006. 

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, it is suggested by many bereavement groups that grieving parents light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zones to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to pregnancy and infant loss. 
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