When It Rains... Boy... Does it Rain...

Infertility SUCKS... 

I'm just going to throw that out there...

I used to like the sound of rain on my windowsill...

The fresh smell of rain hitting the pavement on a hot summer day...

But now I don't...

Because when it rains... boy it rains...

You know that analogy, that everything happens for a reason in life?

Yeah... I'm sick of hearing that one...

I wish I was able to be happy with the way things are working out

but I'm not... because my body won't cooperate with me and do the one thing it should be able to do!

Today's just not been my day...

 I'm in tears, and feel like giving up... 

Dr. Vitiello, my Reproductive Endocrinologist ordered a bunch of labs, and a work up as far as testing goes... 

Well, I know my insurance covers the lab work as far as LH, FSH, Rubella, TSH, Prolactin, Cystic Fibrosis, HIV I, II, and Hep B&C, Female Karotype, Anticardiolipid, and Lupus Anticoagulant... I also know that it covers the ultrasounds to be done...  so I'll get those tomorrow...

But, I'm greatly frustrated, because while all of these can be done for Cycle Day 3 testing... I still need to have an HSG-Sono, and an HSG done... 

According to Dr. Vitiello's Care Team...  

HSG-Sono looks at the uterine cavity, via X-Ray, and costs $510... 

HSG looks at the tubes, with a dye... and costs $710... and would need to be paid up front??

Who has that kind of money just laying around?? I wish I did... 

I spent approximately 20 minutes discussing this with Dr. Vitiello's Nurse on the phone... She said with my history of 5 miscarriages, 1 stillborn, and 1 chemical, that I'm going to need to look at getting IVF done, for $6800.. I wish I could just get pregnant naturally and have my body not reject the baby!! 

I told her that is the plan, but looking realistically at next year... I asked her if she could code HSG's as diagnostic, and she said there is no way to code HSG's as diagnostic.. HSG's are infertility tests...and my insurance doesn't cover infertility testing... even as a diagnostic measure... 

The thing that frustrates me is... the HSG's are being done to rule out polyps, and problems with fallopian tubes...  the insurance covered it in January, and won't cover it now? for a second opinion? Thats so messed up... how can you cover Clomid for infertility, and anovulation, but not cover an HSG which is a diagnostic procedure?? Makes no sense to me...

So while I can get the Lab Work done... I can't get the HSG's done... And I'm stuck waiting...  

I mean... maybe this is a sign from God that the Clomid will work... and I'll get pregnant... or maybe this is a sign that it truly isn't my time... who knows... I'm in tears right now... and I honestly feel like just giving up :(

Not Endometrial Cancer... & Clomid Treatment...

So, in the previous blog post, I posted about how I had a minute chance of having endometrial cancer... this was based off of previous ultrasound reports... I was told by my Endocrinologist that I needed to follow up with my OBGYN, so I scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN Dr. Addli Shay, for today at 8am. I  was a bit nervous, because my last OBGYN through Dartmouth was not the greatest, and she pushed the issue of my stillborn daughter, Kayleigh, which bothered me a bit. 

Today, we discussed my hormone levels, and the ultrasound report, and I got Really Good Results at the OBGYN. I liked this doctor... she was not a jerk like the last one. 

She explained to me that the calcification that was found was called a dermoid cyst and that it went unchanged from my last ultrasound, but she explained that if it changes then she will order a uterine biopsy. 

She explained that hormone wise, she wants my TSH to be under 2.5, ideally 2.0, which is what other doctors wanted it to be at. She explained to me that she wants to manage my PCOS a bit better.

We discussed the large amount of cysts on my ovaries, and she explained that it is dangerous to continue to have these cysts build up on my ovaries, because eventually, one could rupture, or burst, causing more issues.

She explained that because I don't ovulate, she is starting me on Clomid 50mg to get rid of the cysts. She explained that my issue is that I have 50 cysts on each ovary and its causing alot of hormone issues. The hormone issues are making my PCOS worse, instead of better, which is why I see no change on the Synthroid or Metformin after a year.  She explained to me by not ovulating it causes cysts and essentially puts me at menopausal levels and affects my PCOS terribly and that the Clomid will cause me to ovulate which is what I need to have happen & even though I'm not TTC at the moment she wants to treat me this way as it will be the most beneficial. 

She said ideally, she wants me to get these cysts diminished and to continue with the Hormone labs, HSG, HSG-Sonogram and ultrasounds and to follow up with any questions. 

All in all, it was a good appointment, with good results. I'm quite happy.

I discussed it with my fiancee, and even though we're not actively TTC at the moment, he did mention that he is not against me getting pregnant, and that it is the ultimate goal, and that twins run in his family (oh boy, they run in mine too) I am just worried that the Clomid is going to thin my lining alot, and make me hormone crazy... lol

Just some thoughts...

I will never forget my children.

I will never stop grieving.

I will never stop loving them.

I may have not known their gender.

I may have not known their weight.

I may have not ever seen them take their breath of life.

But they were, and are my children.

My babies.

And I will never stop loving them.

And I will never forget them.

And I will have my rainbow after the storm...

I will have my rainbow baby someday...

And until that day, I wait... patiently...

The Worse Thing You Can Do....

The worse thing you can do to someone who suffers with infertility is rub in their face that you're pregnant. As if it didn't sting already and you try to pretend you're happy, but then by going around and going "HAHA I'M PREGNANT" to someone who suffers infertility, it hurts. Even more so when you know for a fact the person in question who is pregnant can't provide for their own child without cash assistance or some sort of welfare. They don't have a job, and don't have stable income. 

Someone with infertility should NEVER be subjected to hearing those who are deliberately rubbing in their pregnancy to them. Especially someone who knows full well the infertility trials and tribulations that are suffered. Someone with infertility could be prone to tell you where to go when you rub something like that in their face.

As if we don't try enough. As if we don't waste loads and loads of money on trying. Pregnancy Tests. OPTK's, HSG's, Lab Work, Laps, Procedures, Ultrasounds, IUI, IVF, even adoption. We spend thousands if not millions a year on trying... just trying to do the one thing our bodies should be able to do... which is get pregnant... carry a child to term without loosing it... and sustain a healthy pregnancy..

Something so easy for us, is so hard... and life isn't fair... but the WORSE thing you can do to someone suffering infertility is rub it in their face. That is the WORST pain that anyone can go through...

You may be wondering why I'm ranting about something that is so much common sense to a normal person who is caring and understanding...

Last night, My Ex, The father to my daughter, and his girlfriend/fiancee/wife whatever she is, decided to tell me they were expecting a child, in the meanest way possible.

Now, naturally, I'd brush it off, as I'm used to the pain already, but when you come to me, and go "Guess what" and then I go "what" and then you go "HAHA IM PREGNANT" and expect me to clap with happiness for you, no... sorry, that just isn't going to happen...

That's deliberately causing me pain. Even more so, because you know damn well the timeless effort that was placed in me simply wanting a child. Knowing damn well, that I tried for 2.5 years, went through loads and loads of procedures, and still was unsuccessful, and still was unable to carry a child to term, and lost it via chemical, or miscarriage. Knowing full and well, that I struggled, and still do struggle with being happy for others... who end up conceiving  because it rubs me in that wrong way...

Now, I'm not jealous, but I do know that a woman with infertility should NEVER have to go through that. And No, save me from further hurt while I tell you, I don't want to hear more details...

How can I be happy for someone who doesn't even provide for their own child? Someone who has no job? Someone who is on welfare? How can I be happy for someone who is selfish and condescending? How can I put my emotions aside and be happy?

Simple. I CAN'T. I WON'T. 

I thought I was over this feeling saddened and sorry for myself stage, because my body can't do the one thing I want it to do... Really, I did... but then that happened, and it triggered a whole set of emotions that bothered me...

It just really hit me in that spot that hurt like no other... and I'd love to give my daughter a biological sibling, and be the mother to my fiancee's children... I mean, non-biologically, of course, I already have Gabriella, and then his son, and his daughter, but biologically, their not mine... and I can just picture

the conversation with Gabriella someday...

See, there is this thing called etiquette.... and if you had any ounce of respect, you'd know that a HUGE no-no to someone suffering infertility, is to rub in their face that you got pregnant without trying...

Look around the internet, and you'll find loads and loads of things not to say to someone who suffers infertility... how about you read on them, before you come back and rub something like that in someone's face...

Testing...

So, I spoke to the fertility doctor / reproductive endocrinologist about the ultrasound and the calcifications on my ultrasound, and they decided they were going to do the testing we discussed in January...

So we have testing...

So in the picture, you can see a Cycle Day 3 testing for FSH, Estradiol, TSH, Prolactin, Rubella, Cystic Fibrosis Screening, HIV, and Hep B&C

You can see a Pelvic Ultrasound to confirm the absense of the fibroids or ovarian cysts and to obtain an atral follicle count, and also measure follicle size and endometrium.

You can see an HSG... and a Sono HSG...

And the female karotyping, anticardiolipid antibody, ACA, and lupus anticoagulants...

The other, karotyping, and anticardiolipid and lupus have to be done at a quest diagnostic...

The HSG can be done between CD5-15 but has to be done separate from the Sono HSG which also has to be between CD5-15...

And the ultrasound can be done at anytime...

They want me to call them on the day my cycle day 1 begins, which SHOULD be next week sometime...

So now we wait... and as you can see it says "bill patient" which means my insurance doesn't cover me AT ALL, so hopefully these tests don't cost an arm and leg...

Endometrial Cancer ???

There are simply some things in life that I don't understand.

The Bible says God wouldn't give us what we couldn't handle...

Everyone knows that I'm currently in Remission for Acute Promylocytic Leukemia...

But I didn't realistically think about other cancers... especially ones that could affect infertility, for female issues...

I got my Ultrasound on June 3rd, and the results were anything but normal...

We know that my HSG in January determined my fertility was not the greatest, and that I had about a 5% chance of pregnancy... due to the large amount of scarring on my endometrium, and my partially closed Fallopian tube... the scarring was due to my large amount of miscarriages... I didn't really like that doctor, but that is a different story... I plan to get a second opinion in the future...

So anyway... the ultrasound...

Gynecological Report (Signed Final 06/03/2013 04:21 pm)

Patient Info

------------

ID #: 091195

D.O.B.: 09/26/89 (23 yrs)(F)

Name: APRIL DRIESSE 

Visit Date: 06/03/2013 10:47

Performed By

------------

Performed By:

Olesya S Jungkman RDMS

Referred By: GUDDETI

PALLAVI MD

Location: Manchester

Service(s) Provided

-------------------

GYN PELVIC TRANSVAGINAL ONLY 76830

Indications

-----------

Polycystic Ovarian Disease

History

-------

Age: 23

LMP: 05/19/13

Day Of Cycle: 16

Menses: Regular

Uterus

------

Uterus: Present

Position: Anteverted

Size (cm) L: 7.88 W: 4.24 H: 3.38 Vol (ml): 59.1

Description: Normal appearance

Endometrium

-----------

Endometrium: Normal appearance

Thickness(mm): 5.62

Cervix

------

Normal appearance

Cul-De-Sac

----------

No fluid was Visualized

Right Ovary

-----------

Status: Visualized

Size (cm) L: 3.31 W: 2.33 H: 1.96

Vol (ml): 7.9

Morphology:

Polycystic appearance

Left Ovary

----------

Status: Visualized

Size (cm) L: 2.53 W: 2.44 H: 1.85 Vol (ml): 6

Morphology: Polycystic appearance

Comment: Echogenic area seen within the overy - 10 x 10 x 6mm.

Impression

----------

Anteverted uterus 7.9 X 3.4 X 4.2 cm

Normal myometrium

Endometrial echo measures 5.6 mm in maximal dimension

Right ovary measures 3.3 X 2 X 2.3 cm

Left ovary measures 2.4 X 2.5 X 1.9 cm

central small calcification 10mm X 6 mm unchanged in appearance from prior exam 6/12

Multiple small peripheral ovarian follicles noted within both ovaries

No free pelvic fluid

This ultrasound report with graphs is available for review in our Faculty copy of AS Software Inc. Colleen M Barber, MD Electronically Signed Final Report 06/03/2013 16:21

Component Results: There is no component information for this result.

General Information Collected:

6/3/2013 12:31 PM

Resulted: 6/3/2013 4:22 PM

Ordered By: PALLAVI GUDDETI, MD

Result Status: Final result

These results were automatically released. Please contact your provider’s office if you have questions.

What is concerning to me is this:

Calcification in soft tissues occur when there is deposition of calcium salts in dead or degenerated tissues. Tissues can degenerate in response to infection and inflammation, in response to tumors, or in response to decreased blood flow to that particular area. Calcification in ovaries is taken to be a sign of a previous or present problem.

Previous issues like infections can show up as calcification. Present issues like tumors, benign or malignant, can also show up as calcification's.

For many years, calcification in ovaries was believed to be due to cancers causing degeneration of tissues. But presently, research has shown that benign lesions are more common than malignant tumor.

Whatever the cause, the standard treatment of a calcification in an ovary is surgery to remove the ovary and submitting the ovary for pathological examination so that a malignant lesion may not be missed.

An MRI can also identify cancers to some extent since blood flow increases in a cancerous tumor. A PET scan is even more diagnostic.

So NOW WHAT??

My labs in May showed my white blood cell increasing, my platelets and red blood cells decreasing, which was concerning, because these are signs that my body may not be in remission anymore.

These new ultrasound results have me wondering:

How can this calcification remain for a year?

Is it the reason why I can't get pregnant and when I do, am not able to sustain pregnancy?

I wonder these things, because my doctors think MTHFR and my clotting disorders are not affecting my fertility...

So I put a call into my OBGYN and their going to be ordering an endometrial byposy, to rule out Endometrial Cancer... because the above results signify that I could have Endometrial Cancer...

GREATTTTTTT.....

Just another thing that I need to add to my medical history at 24...

Just another thing that might cost me my female fertility, and take up that last 5% of chance that I may be able to be a mother to my fiancee's children... (Which by the way, we were looking forward to, he said to me last night "I was actually looking forward to you being the mother to my next child(ren) and now this is discerning  but hey, if that's the case, we have 3 beautiful kids we can take care of (he has 2 from a prior relationship, and then Gabby) and while I understand where he is coming from... I'm quite disheartened  because I am wanting to be a mother to his children... I intend to marry him after-all .. and plan to fight this battle... and pray that God bless me with another child... 

Yep... pretty much...

So now we wait...

One Year Ago...

Around a year ago, I started this blog, as a way for me to journal about my journey through TTC, and fertility, and PCOS, and MTHFR and anything that affects my life in a way that is unexpected.

I titled this blog "unexpected miracles of life" because God has a way of showing these unexpected miracles at anytime.

Its hard for me some days, living in the same house as my best friend, Alex, knowing that he and I were dating and lovers at one point... its hard for me to look at our old bed, that he sleeps in, and sleep in a separate room, knowing that we used to lay together trying for a child in that very bed...

The last six months have been a way of healing for me... but they've been hard... very hard...

There are still parts of me that want to very much have that child...

September 2011, Alex and I lost our first child.

A result of my IUD dislodging, causing a miscarriage.

Exactly one year later, September 2012, I had a chemical pregnancy...

It hurts... its now June 2013... Knowing I should be holding that child in my arms any day now...

Knowing I should have had a chance to have that very life I tried so hard for...

But even though it hurts... I carry and move on...

I have hope that everything happens for a reason...

I pray that someday soon, I am given the chance to be a mother again, to another living child on earth...

I believe God has things occur for a reason, and even though we don't know that reason all the time, things occur so we can heal...

A year ago, I started this blog, and this journey to tell the world and have the world follow my life, and the events that unfold... and a year ago, I would have never thought life would have ended the way it did for me... that life would have taken me on this journey...

I have my ultrasound today, at 10:45am, on June 3rd 2013...

Last year, on June 3rd, I was sitting in my Endocrinologist office, going over lab results, and having that very same ultrasound ordered...

Its CRAZY to think that in an entire year so much has happened... so much has occured... and so much has changed... 

I look forward to the next year of blogging my adventures in this very unexpected thing called life, and hope its filled with many miracles...