I am hurt.
I am stuck facing reality.
A reality so cold, and so gloomy.
That reality is that I may never be able to have another child.
And it hurts.
And I have every right to hurt.

Sure, it may not be the right time, but you have to understand....
You have to understand how badly I want another child...
And until you can accept that it is something I want, than unfortunately, you won't be considered a "friend"
You see, true friends are there when people need them...
True friends don't judge, true friends leave a shoulder to cry on...
And it hurts because you weren't there...
You instead said mean things... and it hurt ten times worse.

The reality is, that I had a chemical pregnancy.
The reality is that it hurt.
The reality is that it IS my child, that I lost.
Whether 2 weeks, or 22 weeks, or even 40 weeks, the loss of a child is never easy
And you can say whatever you want to say about how at 5 weeks along it doesn't have a heartbeat
And you can try to bring me down, but it only hurts me worse.

I've had 5 miscarriages. 2 chemical pregnancies. 1 stillborn.
8 babies lost.

I've tried Clomid, Metformin, Even Natural Supplements, and I'm doing EVERYTHING I am supposed to, but I can't control my genetics.
I can only manage my genetics.
and I have been, but you judge.
You judge over yourself being jealous.
Why are you jealous? You have babies of your own.
You never had to go through what I had to go through.

I'm pretty much given up with keeping hope that someday it will happen.

I'm starting to be more realistic and looking at In-Vitro.
It is very costly, but it can give me that second child I want.
And my fiancee is trying his best to be there for me.

Sure, we have only been together 6 months, some may judge us, but I really don't care.
What we decide together, is OUR decision and you either support us or you don't.
But it still WILL hurt...

I'm trying to pretend, and forget it didn't happen to begin with
But I still hurt...
Because today is the new start to a new cycle.
Today, my body chose to shed the lining which contains the baby that would have grown inside of me.
It started as clots. Then it became an old, heavy, brown, gross flow.
Each month, you see, I am stuck living with the pain, that my body can't do the one thing its meant to do.
And I have every right to hurt.
And you can either be there for me, and help me along in the process, make me laugh, and brighten my day, or you can kindly see your way out of my life.
Because I have EVERY right to hurt.

These are the type of messages I got in my inbox on Thursday and Friday:

That was only one of them. 
I don't deal well with negativity when I am hurting.
I deleted her because she was commenting on about how my fiance and I have only been together for 6 months and how dare we try for a baby... on a status that said I lost my child as a result of a chemical pregnancy and my ultrasound was a very emotional one I had gone through... 
Her negative comments continued when all I was looking for was support.
The fact is, I got those positives, and then BOOM negative...
And it KILLED me.

Now to clear things up:

First of all, I never once said my daughter was a Clomid baby.
Sure, I may have altered the truth, told a little white lie to the OBGYN to get the Clomid, because like with progesterone, she wouldn't have given it to me if I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear, but still. I NEVER said Gabriella was a Clomid baby, nor did I ever say she was all natural.
Gabriella was a Metformin-Synthroid-NonLatexCondom-Withdrawal-BirthControl-Antidepressant-Antibiotic "oops" baby, and she was the best "oops" I ever got.
I love her more than anything else in this world.

Secondly, Alpine DID offer me $10 an hour to stay with them, BUT I declined. What company would you choose? A company that offers benefits, hires out of the state your moving to, has the hours you want, and better pay, OR a company that doesn't hire where your moving to, pays less, and has no benefit options? I choose option A... and because I chose the company I am with now, over Alpine, they tried everything to keep me to stay. They offered $10 an hour, they offered full time hours, even made me feel guilty a bit... but I chose Sutherland, and that is the company I chose to remain with, and I don't regret it.
Tough lucky, I got offered better pay than you did? JEALOUS!

For the record, I have indeed known my fiancee for around 3 years, that is not a lie. He and I originally talked, as well as his brother on the radio station we met on, which was Blade Radio. Almost 3 years ago.
He and I were friends, and he was married at that point, and we had no intention of getting together.
But life happens... and its now 2013... and we got together after he went through his separation and divorce process and we got engaged and were happy, and so everything else is irrelevant...

Sure, we have had some bumps in the road in the 6 months we've been together
But We're both VERY happy and in love, and we've made it work.
So please, next time your going to jump to an assumption, make sure you have your freaking facts straight...

Pretty much...
Its all irrelevant, because it happened,
And I'm grieving, but I will be okay...
I will make it through, and maybe, when I'm over the loss, I will try again...
Who knows...

Who do I blame?
But namely, the doctors.
The ones who won't help me with anything.
The ones who would rather fight me rather than treat me.

So my goal:
Get better freaking doctors in Cleveland...

My point:
Next time your going to say something to someone going through a loss, think clearly about your words.
Words hurt ten times worse in a time of loss or grieving


It Only Hurt For A Little....

Pretty rough day today...
Today... I had an ultrasound...
At the ultrasound, they could see my lining...
My lining was thick...
I asked the ultrasound tech if she could see any sign of chemical pregnancy...
On the external over the top of my stomach, she could not...
Then she did an internal... you know, where they place the probe inside you...
And she said to me while pointing at the monitor "Do you see that?" I said "Yes" and she said "that is your uterine lining" and I said "okay..." and she responded with "Do you see that little teeny tiny black circle in your uterine lining" and I said "i think so, yes..." she says to me "Thats where your baby would have developed if it had embedded, but the doctor will go over this more with you..." and she finished up by checking the blood flow to my female organs, to make sure enough blood flow was getting to and from them... 
The ultrasound technician was very nice, in fact, one of the nicest I have ever had... and because of my conditions I get ultrasounds routinely done... But I must admit, my heart sunk a little bit when she told me that. I didn't know that it was possible to see that on an ultrasound. That was where MY baby would have grown, and it killed me inside, and made me a little queasy that my body couldn't do the one thing it was supposed to do, and harbor a life for 9 months...
It hurt. I try to forget. Try to pretend. Try to move on. Try to act like it only hurt for a little, but the reality of it is, it does not. It stings... stings in a place so deep... 
So now I wait...
I wait for my uterine lining to get thick enough, and my hormones to cooperate enough for me to bleed...
Or as the doctor called it "expel" what is leftover...
I was explained that I would bleed old blood, brown and possibly black and clots, and to not be alarmed...
Oh joy... thats what I have to look forward to...
So for now, I wait... its a waiting game...
And part of me wishes I would just bleed already so I could get over it...
The other part of me is still in denial and shock...
Another baby lost... even if it was a very early miscarriage, or "chemical pregnancy" it still hurts... it still stings...

To make matters worse, I got home... and had people question the legitimateness of my "chemical pregnancy"
First of all, you should NEVER question someone who is experiencing a loss. That is a sure way to end a friendship.
Secondly, this wasn't just a loss, this was MY BABY. One child that I wanted ever so much.
Thirdly, if you did research yourself, you'd find that every person is different, and there is so many variations with chemical pregnancies.

So here is "proof"
This is the "proof" I provided to my place of employment...
A letterhead and signed doctor's note...

The only thing blacked out in the letter is my address, phone number and insurance.
That is for my own personal security.

Managing My Health NATURALLY

So you know how you watch television and you see all these commercials with medications and their side effects? Well, I decided recently that I want to manage my health conditions more naturally. There are natural supplements that help PCOS, and Insulin Resistance, AND MTHFR. Imagine that? For every condition you have, you can almost always find some herb, or natural supplement to manage it. So if your sick and tired of your doctors not listening to you, and you feel bullied around, than feel free to take my advise, and get your own natural supplements.

So Far:

I take an Optimal Multivitamin with Iron (See previous blog post here:

I take an Optimal Amino Acid Blend

I also am taking Vitamin D3, but in different brands. My above Multi has 1,000 IU of D3. I take an oral optimal Vitamin D that has 2,000 IU per drop. I take 2 droppers, so that is 4,000 IU. 

I ordered:

Rhodiola Tea. Natures Bound Vitamin B Complex. Liquid Vitamin D3, 5,000 IU.

The Benefits of Rhodiola:
·         Helps Balance Emotional and Neurological Function
·         Enhances Mental Awareness & Focus
·         Aids in Reduction of Stress & Anxiety
·         Strenghten Immune System.
·         Energy Booster

Natures Bound Vitamin B Complex:
It includes 1.7mg of Riboflavin, 20mg of Niacin, 2mg of Pyridoxine Hydrochloride aka Vit B6, 1,200mcg of Vitamin B12 as Cyanocobalamin (I know, I know, I need methylcobalamin but I couldn't find any liquid reasonably priced) and Pantothenic Acid 30mg)

Vitamin D3:
I am severely deficient in Vitamin D3. 
Because of this, the 5,000 IU I get from my multivitamin and my liquid is not enough.
Optimal Levels are shown below.

Right now, my Vitamin D levels are less than 10.
I have no doubt in my mind it is due to my Vitamin D Receptor mutations, so managing them and getting them to a better level is going to be a challenge.
Most people who need VD3 treatment are on 10,000 to 12,000 IU daily.
With my 4,000 IU from my Liquid, the 1,000 from multi and the 5,000 from my secondary liquid, I will be getting 10,000 IU of Vitamin D3 Daily.

In Two Weeks:

Remember how annoyed I was when my OBGYN was willing to give me Clomid but would not monitor for progesterone or provide me with progesterone supplements? Thats okay... because I did my research and found that I am definitely needing to supplement with progesterone.

I found this great supplement called Progestelle, which is a natural progesterone cream/oil that is used to help those who are deficient in progesterone. Progestelle has no additives, and is more pure than the creams.

Progesterone can help with Endometriosis, PCOS, Cysts, Breast Issues, Fibroids, Regulating Menses, Magnesium Deficiency, Restless Legs, Fibormyalgia, the list goes on...

So with my paycheck on the 16th, I plan to order myself some Progestelle.

I also plan to order myself the following:
Medcaps IS
RelaxMax Cherry

The reason:

Medcaps IS includes the following ingredients:

Woman with PCOS struggle because of their insulin resistance.
Chromium is a key ingredient in this supplement.

Chromium is a mineral that can improve insulin activity and can help reduce the insulin resistance so common in Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).  Insulin resistance is a core condition in PCOS and greatly contributes to hormonal imbalances that cause many PCOS symptoms.
Chromium supplements are used to treat depression and diabetes, PCOS and prediabetes. Some people use these supplements to reduce cholesterol levels, lose weight or increase athletic performance. 

Insulin resistance is a common PCOS symptom wherein your body cells don't respond to insulin, the hormone that helps your body process sugar from the carbohydrates you ingest. Your body produces more and more insulin and both blood sugar and insulin levels rise in your system. Besides contributing to other hormonal imbalances in your body, insulin resistance is associated with many chronic disorders and conditions, from diabetes to cardiovascular disease. Women with PCOS are at much higher risk of developing these conditions.

Research studies have been finding that chromium supplements can help improve insulin activity, insulin resistance and blood sugar levels in people with diabetes.

I am already a type 2 Diabetic. I take insulin when my blood sugar is over 120. I follow a chart my endocrinologist showed me to follow. I currently am on Riomet, 2500mg Daily, but plan to come off of this entirely when I purchase the above supplement.

Blood Sugar
Insulin Dosage Given with Novalog
250 or Above

Medcaps IS also includes Fenugreek.
Because research shows that these are helpful to PCOS, I plan to supplement with the Medicaps IS and come off of Metformin all together.

My recent lab work showed my Insulin Resistance is back up, which means it’s now time to fix the issue, and get to the bottom of it.

As you can see, it has Inositol in it. It also has Taurine and GABA in it.
Inositol may be important for PCOS women for at least three reasons:

* It may aid insulin action and thus reduce insulin resistance.
* It may help to relieve depression, which is common in polycystic ovary syndrome.
* It helps your liver to metabolize fat. 

Inositol is a compound that has nine different forms. The most well-known and nutritionally active form is "myo-inositol", which most people simply refer to as "inositol". It is a necessary component of the membranes of your cells and is vital to many biological processes in your body. It is a precursor to a number of essential "signaling molecules" that instruct cells how to behave.

Some of inositol's signaling is related to activation of serotonin receptors, which could relieve depression and improve appetite balance. Serotonin is a brain chemical with several important functions in the body, including mood and appetite regulation.

Inositol is also a fat-solublizing agent that helps to transport fat from the liver. For those overweight PCOS women who may have a problem with fatty liver congestion, inositol can be helpful.

Although inositol is widely thought of as a member of the B-vitamin family, it is technically not a vitamin because the body can manufacture inositol and is not required to get it from the diet.

It also has GABA in it.

GABA is beneficial because it treats:
o    Depression
o    Anxiety
o    Premenstrual syndrome (PMS)
o    Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)

·         Promoting weight loss
·         Increasing lean muscle mass
·         Burning fat
·         Relieving pain
·         Relieving injuries and increasing exercise tolerance
·         Promoting a sense of relaxation.

Lastly, it includes Taurine, for an energy boost.
Magnesium is also great because some people are deficient in Magnesium.

I would like to give special thanks to the following people who have been helpful and supportive and encouraging in this adventure to change:

Bella Renee (Jessica Knapp)
Leandra Anor
Crystal Penny
Lauren Lange
Dr. Ben Lynch
My Loving, Supportive Fiancee Charles
His Best Friend/Brother Mike Gellner
And my best friend Alexander
And my Naturopathic Doctors / Friends Dr. Jess Armine, and Dr. Tina Beaudoin
The ladies at TTCAM and the PCOS Groups I'm apart of.

Without your support, I could not have managed to make this lifestyle change.
Next Step: Limiting Carbs, Increasing Proteins, Cutting out Sugars (Sodas and stuff like that) Drinking more teas/water, Going Paleo, and Eating Healthier.
Ultimate Goal: To become a happier, healthier, more physically fit me!

I will definitely keep you all posted!

What is wrong with doctors today???

What is so wrong with doctors wanting to give their patients preventative treatment?
Why do they want to at least not try something and see if it works?
Why wait for a problem to occur before treating? What happened to preventative medicine?

Me= Beyond Frustrated.
I met with my new Hematologist, Dr. Gina Divanuti through Hematology-Oncology of Hooksett, and she and I had a very ... not so decent... discussion today...
And I'm honestly ashamed in where the medical field is going...

This was an ACTUAL conversation with a Medical Doctor that occurred today:

Her: "Well, you have been seen at Mass General Hospital for Factor V. And it says here you also have MTHFR"
Me: That is correct.
Her: "Well, you’ve never had a clotting event correct?"
Me: That is correct, unless you count the clotting that occurred in my stillborn daughter or the blood clot that almost killed my life.
Her: Well, with MTHFR we used to worry, studies have shown in 2003 that it’s no longer a concern or worry for clotting.
Me: Okay, Well, that makes no sense, and studies show otherwise
Her: What studies? Point them out to me?
Me: I don’t have them on me.
Her: Well, the concern is with Factor V. All these other clotting disorders you showed me from 23andMe really have no correlation or means or effect.
Me: Well, Doctor, I understand, but I'm fed up. What I NEED is answers. I'm 24; I've been seen by every specialist out there. I've been told by an OBGYN I need Lovonox and anticoagulants and to be on aspirin. I've been told by one Hematologist that’s not needed. I was told by a RE who did a consult that MTHFR was not an issue and further testing concluded that I didn’t have anything wrong with my karotype and that my Anticardiolipin and Lupus AC were normal. I was told I needed Lovonox by her. Then you’re telling me different. Do you have any children doctor?
Her: No, I do not.
Me: Well then I certainly don't expect you to understand what it is like to go through so many losses. I'm 24. I have had 5 miscarriages, Now 2 chemical pregnancies and 1 stillborn daughter at 23 weeks, and you’re telling me that MTHFR and Clotting Disorders are NOT to blame? Then what is?
Her: Well, you see, the reason we don't anticoagulate is because there is a risk... Me: Like anything in life?
Her: Well, the risk is bleeding.
Me: I'm aware. But Aspirin also carries that risk, and I take it.
Her: Yes, and No. Aspirin works with white blood cells and platelets. Lovonox works with Antithrombin 3. Totally different.
Me: I'm aware.
Her: So I really see no need to anticoagulate, because the risk is too high. A study shows in 1999 and 2003, that Factor V is shown to cause clotting issues in further along pregnancies but it actually helps in early pregnancies.
Me: You’re quoting an article that is 10 years old? Really?
Her: Well, there has really been no other articles published. As for MTHFR, it is no concern.
Me: Well, I have loads of people who will tell you otherwise.
Her: I'm sure you do. What is the name of your OBGYN you saw? And your fertility specialist?
Me: Dr Thomas Barrett and Antisdel through Elliot OBGYN, and Dr. Adali Shay through Dartmouth. And Dr. Vitiello through Fertility Centers of New England. Her: Well, I am going to call Jessica, your PCP and ask her opinion.
Me: Feel free to do so, but she will tell you it’s not her area of expertise hence why she refers out.
Her: She certainly does refer out.
Me: Frustrated, Waiting 15 minutes. The doctor comes back in.
Her: Well, like I said, Jessica mentioned you’re on the fence. The issue is if we coagulate you, you’re overweight. The risks are increased.
Me: Don't give me a lecture about weight. Last I checked you’re not a bariatric doctor and I'm not here about that.
Her: Well you see, I'm still not going to anticoagulate you.
Me: So you admit you won’t even try to help me?
Her: I didn’t say that.
Me: Then will you sign a piece of paper stating you refuse to anticoagulate me? Her: We're done this discussion.
Me: So you won’t even try something to see if it helps? You want me to experience ANOTHER loss.
Her: Sorry, it’s not MTHFR and clotting issues. I am not going to anticoagulate you.
Me: Even though studies show its effective following ovulation and aids in it?
Her: What article? Show me.
Me: Last I checked you’re the doctor. Why not try to prevent another loss? It hasn’t been tried. Now you’re sounding like the OBGYN who prescribed me Clomid and won’t give me progesterone even though studies show PCOS causes progesterone deficiency, the same doctor who told me you ovulate when you have a period.
Her: Sorry, that’s not my area of expertise. I think you need to see a fertility specialist.
Me: I already paid close to 2 Grand for that out of pocket, and everything came back normal, why won’t you help me?
Her: Were done this discussion I don’t need to see you back. You’re not even pregnant. Until your OBGYN gives me an article from a GYN magazine that says Factor V needs prophylaxis I'm not giving it to you. This conversation is done.

OF course, she wouldn’t sign the paper because she knows it will open her up to a world load of a lawsuit if I miscarry and she refused to help me...

I’m just so done with medical doctors. If I have to resort to buying Lovonox online, than unfortunately I will. I feel it is needed. I feel it is justifiable to try it because everything else has failed.

Losing weight? Why doesn’t she try to fit into the shoes of someone with PCOS…? I’ve been trying since January, I can’t help that my Insulin Resistance and my other hormones fluctuate making it harder to regulate? I’m back to 240.01 again, and it’s been a battle. I’ve changed my foods. I’ve changed my diet, and yet I gain, not loose. You tell me what to do differently… because honestly, it’s not as easy as it sounds…
It’s even more frustrating because I’m doing EVERYTHING I should be doing, and it’s just not working… I’m never going to get pregnant, and at this point, why keep trying when modern medicine won’t help me?

I’m just so frustrated. These are people that go to school, and take an oath to do no harm, but they treat me like I am dumb, and REFUSE to help… I just don’t get it… This is EXACTLY what is wrong with medicine in today’s world… There is no more preventative medicine…

It was there... Then it wasn't....

I knew you for just a moment...
And I loved you, in that instance with all my heart...
And I wanted you more than you'll ever know...
And I loved you, from within...
and now your gone...

Life... and its very existence...
Ripped away, in an instance... just like that...

Today, I took a pregnancy test...
To my surprise, it was positive...

Hours after feeling excited, giddy, and having others see the line...
My hopes were crushed...

I went to the lab...
And they did a pregnancy HCG Beta Quan and Qual...
Waited 3 hours...
And the result?

How cruel life really is...
How selfish, how unkind...

Even if I was pregnant...
Even if it was a chemical pregnancy...
Even if it was neither...
It still hurts...
I feel broken...
Like my body can't do the one thing it was supposed to do...

It hurts me, but it hurts my fiance too...
The one person I didn't want to hurt...
And we hurt together...
And it sucks...

I don't understand why its so hard for me to simply get pregnant...
I just don't get it...

So for now, I cry...
And I try to hold onto hope...
Something I know that exists...

Its cruel, but it is what it is, I suppose...
And so now, I grieve...
And try to hold onto hope...
That maybe someday, I will be blessed...

And to my child... I am so sorry that mommy couldn't hold you in...
Or hold onto you longer...
But I guess if I was pregnant, God had other plans for you...

This is the harsh reality I face and live in...
1 in 100 for Repeat Loss
1 in 10 for Infertility
1 in 8 for PCOS
1 in 4 for Miscarriage
1 in 2 for MTHFR

And this is the battle I face...
And it sucks...