It was there... Then it wasn't....






I knew you for just a moment...
And I loved you, in that instance with all my heart...
And I wanted you more than you'll ever know...
And I loved you, from within...
and now your gone...

Life... and its very existence...
Ripped away, in an instance... just like that...

Today, I took a pregnancy test...
To my surprise, it was positive...




Hours after feeling excited, giddy, and having others see the line...
My hopes were crushed...

I went to the lab...
And they did a pregnancy HCG Beta Quan and Qual...
Waited 3 hours...
And the result?
NEGATIVE, LESS THAN 5.



How cruel life really is...
How selfish, how unkind...

Even if I was pregnant...
Even if it was a chemical pregnancy...
Even if it was neither...
It still hurts...
I feel broken...
Lost...
Like my body can't do the one thing it was supposed to do...

It hurts me, but it hurts my fiance too...
The one person I didn't want to hurt...
And we hurt together...
And it sucks...

I don't understand why its so hard for me to simply get pregnant...
I just don't get it...

So for now, I cry...
And I try to hold onto hope...
Something I know that exists...




Its cruel, but it is what it is, I suppose...
And so now, I grieve...
And try to hold onto hope...
That maybe someday, I will be blessed...

And to my child... I am so sorry that mommy couldn't hold you in...
Or hold onto you longer...
But I guess if I was pregnant, God had other plans for you...

This is the harsh reality I face and live in...
I AM:
1 in 100 for Repeat Loss
1 in 10 for Infertility
1 in 8 for PCOS
1 in 4 for Miscarriage
1 in 2 for MTHFR

And this is the battle I face...
And it sucks...








1 comments:

Krystle J. Stronko

Hun, don't worry have you have your faith hold on to it and you never know what will happen!

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