I am hurt.
I am stuck facing reality.
A reality so cold, and so gloomy.
That reality is that I may never be able to have another child.
And it hurts.
And I have every right to hurt.

Sure, it may not be the right time, but you have to understand....
You have to understand how badly I want another child...
And until you can accept that it is something I want, than unfortunately, you won't be considered a "friend"
You see, true friends are there when people need them...
True friends don't judge, true friends leave a shoulder to cry on...
And it hurts because you weren't there...
You instead said mean things... and it hurt ten times worse.

The reality is, that I had a chemical pregnancy.
The reality is that it hurt.
The reality is that it IS my child, that I lost.
Whether 2 weeks, or 22 weeks, or even 40 weeks, the loss of a child is never easy
And you can say whatever you want to say about how at 5 weeks along it doesn't have a heartbeat
And you can try to bring me down, but it only hurts me worse.

I've had 5 miscarriages. 2 chemical pregnancies. 1 stillborn.
8 babies lost.

I've tried Clomid, Metformin, Even Natural Supplements, and I'm doing EVERYTHING I am supposed to, but I can't control my genetics.
I can only manage my genetics.
and I have been, but you judge.
You judge over yourself being jealous.
Why are you jealous? You have babies of your own.
You never had to go through what I had to go through.

I'm pretty much given up with keeping hope that someday it will happen.

I'm starting to be more realistic and looking at In-Vitro.
It is very costly, but it can give me that second child I want.
And my fiancee is trying his best to be there for me.

Sure, we have only been together 6 months, some may judge us, but I really don't care.
What we decide together, is OUR decision and you either support us or you don't.
But it still WILL hurt...

I'm trying to pretend, and forget it didn't happen to begin with
But I still hurt...
Because today is the new start to a new cycle.
Today, my body chose to shed the lining which contains the baby that would have grown inside of me.
It started as clots. Then it became an old, heavy, brown, gross flow.
Each month, you see, I am stuck living with the pain, that my body can't do the one thing its meant to do.
And I have every right to hurt.
And you can either be there for me, and help me along in the process, make me laugh, and brighten my day, or you can kindly see your way out of my life.
Because I have EVERY right to hurt.

These are the type of messages I got in my inbox on Thursday and Friday:

That was only one of them. 
I don't deal well with negativity when I am hurting.
I deleted her because she was commenting on about how my fiance and I have only been together for 6 months and how dare we try for a baby... on a status that said I lost my child as a result of a chemical pregnancy and my ultrasound was a very emotional one I had gone through... 
Her negative comments continued when all I was looking for was support.
The fact is, I got those positives, and then BOOM negative...
And it KILLED me.

Now to clear things up:

First of all, I never once said my daughter was a Clomid baby.
Sure, I may have altered the truth, told a little white lie to the OBGYN to get the Clomid, because like with progesterone, she wouldn't have given it to me if I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear, but still. I NEVER said Gabriella was a Clomid baby, nor did I ever say she was all natural.
Gabriella was a Metformin-Synthroid-NonLatexCondom-Withdrawal-BirthControl-Antidepressant-Antibiotic "oops" baby, and she was the best "oops" I ever got.
I love her more than anything else in this world.

Secondly, Alpine DID offer me $10 an hour to stay with them, BUT I declined. What company would you choose? A company that offers benefits, hires out of the state your moving to, has the hours you want, and better pay, OR a company that doesn't hire where your moving to, pays less, and has no benefit options? I choose option A... and because I chose the company I am with now, over Alpine, they tried everything to keep me to stay. They offered $10 an hour, they offered full time hours, even made me feel guilty a bit... but I chose Sutherland, and that is the company I chose to remain with, and I don't regret it.
Tough lucky, I got offered better pay than you did? JEALOUS!

For the record, I have indeed known my fiancee for around 3 years, that is not a lie. He and I originally talked, as well as his brother on the radio station we met on, which was Blade Radio. Almost 3 years ago.
He and I were friends, and he was married at that point, and we had no intention of getting together.
But life happens... and its now 2013... and we got together after he went through his separation and divorce process and we got engaged and were happy, and so everything else is irrelevant...

Sure, we have had some bumps in the road in the 6 months we've been together
But We're both VERY happy and in love, and we've made it work.
So please, next time your going to jump to an assumption, make sure you have your freaking facts straight...

Pretty much...
Its all irrelevant, because it happened,
And I'm grieving, but I will be okay...
I will make it through, and maybe, when I'm over the loss, I will try again...
Who knows...

Who do I blame?
But namely, the doctors.
The ones who won't help me with anything.
The ones who would rather fight me rather than treat me.

So my goal:
Get better freaking doctors in Cleveland...

My point:
Next time your going to say something to someone going through a loss, think clearly about your words.
Words hurt ten times worse in a time of loss or grieving



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