Reflecting on 2014... What a Year it has been....

 I presently am sitting here, as I write this. It is December 25th 2014, and I wanted to take time to reflect on 2014 and the year that it has been. I have had a lot of strengths, weaknesses, gaining, losing, and growing in 2014. I can honestly look back and say that I have NO regrets in 2014.

January::

I went into the New Year with a Kiss from Drew. He had came over December 31st, so we would be able to kiss into the new year.

On January 2ed, I had a doctor’s appointment to get my medications. I remember it was snowing that day. Drew drove me to Cleveland Clinic Willoughby. I had gotten my medications for my Auto-Immune Addison’s, and I had also gotten a Pneumonia Vaccine and TDaP, and so I was a bit sore. 

On the way back, we had been going down 306 (Reynolds) and we had come to a stop, but slid because of the fresh snow, into the person in front of us, who was parked in an actual road area, outside a school. Drew's car took damage in the front bumper and the door. I remember how pissed he was because he got a ticket and the other guy did not. That taught me a valuable lesson about driving in Ohio.

We got back home to my house, and I made dinner, and we showered together, and he was telling me about how he didn't have his high school diploma. I remember we got onto that topic because we had been talking about my high school prom. Drew told me the story about his brother trying to commit suicide, and how they both dropped out, and he got his GED instead. I remember Drew got out of the shower first. Drew had then gotten on Skype to talk to his brother. I got out of the shower, sat in my computer chair, to game, and I was shivering. I was like "Why am I so cold? It’s not cold in my house" and then took my temperature and it was 104.5 and I told Drew I needed to lay down because I felt like my head was going to explode. He had said his brother and his family had disagreed with our relationship and backed him into a corner. He had expected me to be there for him, but because I was so sick, I could not.

I remember getting into fetal position, breathing heavy, and passing in and out of consciousness. I got up at one point and went to the freezer to place my head in it, desperately trying to get colder, because I was literally heating up alive, internally. The next morning he tried to leave, and I told him that I needed to go to the ER, so he stayed and watched Gabriella. The doctor told me that I was extremely dehydrated and this was a reaction to the vaccine. 

I got back to my house late, Drew was passed out, and I woke him. Gabby was sleeping. I asked him if we were okay, and he said "I don't know. I need to go home tomorrow" and that was it. We didn't talk, speak a word, or anything. The next morning, he packed his bags and left, and I told him "If you walk out that door, you won't come back" and he left. As he left hastily, he left his insurance card. I didn't realize it until a few days later when I was cleaning.

January 4th 2014, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. That was on a Saturday. I texted Drew telling him that we had a problem, with the picture. We talked for quite a bit at that point, realizing that the risks of losing this child were higher than not. The following Monday, January 6th, the pregnancy was confirmed via a Beta HcG, and I was followed closely. Immediately, I was started on progesterone and lovonox. 

Drew and I had finally sat down to talk that Wednesday about everything. We accepted that we were not going to announce to anyone until 10 weeks because by then I'd show a tiny bit, and It would be obvious and would be a baby. We knew that the likelihood of miscarriage was high... 

I told my best friend Vincent and he was not supportive of the situation AT ALL, because he knew what had happened with Drew. As a result of this, I gained another mother because I started talking to his mother more and more. I was monitored twice a week at the high risk maternal fetal medicine unit. 

Sadly, I started cramping on January 17th, and went into the ER once I noticed spotting. I had lost our baby on January 17th 2014, at 5 weeks 6 days, and it was a little boy. We named him Dominic Andrew. It was a very sad time in my life, and I felt like my life was out of control.

I remember that during the middle of all this, my best friend and Wifey who had disappeared called me randomly at 1am, and we talked and talked for such a long time. I remember telling her everything that was going on with Drew and I. I remember telling her I was pregnant. 

She and I joked that Drew had super sperm because I had tried for 2.5 years with Alex, and failed Femera, Clomid and IUI. Infertility definitely sucks! She said that this was my miracle baby. 

When I lost the baby, it was the worse feeling in the world. I felt like my world was collapsing down around me. The date was January 17th. I had much joy, and then it was taken from me, just like that.  I remember calling baby right away, and telling her. Baby and I made a rule together. For 90 days, I am not allowed to date, and I am to make a list of stuff I want to accomplish and focus on me. Turn the negative into positive, and so that was exactly what I did.


February::

In February, not too much happened. I remember that I spent Valentine’s Day alone, but I was totally content being alone. I remember that Drew got jealous because I didn't need him to make me happy. I was perfectly content spending time with myself, eating chocolate covered strawberries, drinking wine, and gaming.

Gaming Drama... Gaming Drama... Gaming Drama...

In February, a rift occurred with some of my friends. Brian (Karma) got into it with Lori (Tesla) about something silly, and when Brian falls hard, he falls. Lori had said something that ticked him off, and he left Blade Radio for Epic Gamer Radio. So with that, put Jake (Darkhyrd) in his place as Operations Manager. Somewhere in between, I had told Jake that I had been harboring a crush on him for many months.... he had already known this.

After Jake (Darkhyrd) became Operations manager for Blade, and AFTER he told me he couldn't be with me or feel for me because of the Donna incident (his ex), he fell in love with this girl Roula (Rookips). I found out and was far from thrilled to say the least.

How I found out was because this guy Ben (3pic) had sent me a message saying "Hey Cass, I need to show you something but you have to promise not to react" so of course I promised I wouldn't react, and he shows me a Minecraft conversation about Jake (darkhyrd) telling Melanie (Bacon) that he has feelings for Roula (Rookips) and asking her how long it has been obvious for, and Melanie responded with telling him for quite some time.

Upon finding out, I immediately responded with "What? I cannot believe this" and I sent him a message on Facebook asking him if he had something he had wanted to tell me and if he was lying to me about something. He responded with "He was gonna tell me in his own time" 

Well, Jake and I have always had some crazy connection where I cannot stay mad at him for whatever reason. So I got over being angry with him and became friends with him. Of course at this point, he and Roo started "dating" but Roula was also in a "complicated" relationship outside the interwebs with this abusive guy named Michael.

Jake (Darkhyrd) fell hard for Roo, and he was going to propose to her in game in IMVU on Valentines Day, when Roo told him to back off. Roo told him to back off because she was getting confused, was still dating Michael in real life, and was seriously interested in Brian (Karma) and was secretly talking to him behind Dark's back.

Roo crushed Dark's heart, and then we all got together in March. We had been planning the March event prior to Dark and Roo, and so it was going to happen regardless. I remember feeling like I was going to not go after Jake(Dark) said that he and I weren't going to happen. I was dumb, stupid and naive, and didn't believe that I would fall short to his heartbreak. 


March::

March was a really amazing month for me. I was blessed financially enough to be able to go and see the Hottest Chicks in Rock Tour in Joliet, IL. I took a bus from Cleveland, Ohio to Chicago, IL and then a taxi to the venue. I stayed in a hotel not far from the venue.

At the venue, I met Adam Abbot, and was standing directly behind him. Most amazing time of my life. I got to meet and take a photo with Lacuna Coil, and Sick Puppies, and was stage side during Sick Puppies. It was amazing. After, I took the train back to Chicago. It was my first time taking a train, and it was a lot of fun. 

I ended up going home and joining SPWC and applying as an ambassador on the forums for Sick Puppies, and I got accepted. It was nice to be apart of the extended family... and I couldn't get Adam off my mind ironically... I didn't know his name or didn't get his # that night at the show, but he found me via the forums, and then on Facebook, and I was happy.

Even with that, the highlight of the year was probably this vacation... I wasn't even sure that I was going to go in February because of how angry I got with Jake....

Vegas::
My vacation in March went from March 25th through 27th in Vegas, where I spent time with Brandy, Jay and Adara. Jay is my daughter's father, and I was trying to be civilized and try to make things work for the benefit of my daughter. Brandy was his girlfriend at the time. I say was, as in past tense, because they broke up, but I will get to that, and Adara is Brandy's 3 year old daughter. The purpose of me going for two days was to ensure my daughter transitioned well, ensure they knew how to give her the medications she needs, and make sure that they parented her alright. I wasn't just going to be irresponsible and leave her with people she barely knew while I went out to have a good time with friends. Things were not that awkward, strangely, and we all got along well.

San Diego::
Than on the 27th, I flew into San Diego, a day earlier than everyone else, figured I could give myself a day to relax, and get to know Jake (Dark) before the rest of the group got there. Things were really well on the 27th.

Jake picked me up at the airport, showed me around San Diego, we went over to Coronodo (One of the Navy Bases) and we went to In and Out Burger and we did a lot of talking, we drove off to the mountains past a place called Alpine, and then drove back, got some dinner at Denny's and joked around alot (made perverted jokes like we usually do on Teamspeak) and then got some alcohol and went back to the hotel to drink. My co-worker Ryan had drove down to meet up with me briefly, and at this time, I had alcohol sinking in, so I was starting to feel tired, and so I kicked him out of the room. 
 
I was text messaging Sherry and Brian at this point while they were on the road and I told Sherry I was giving Jake a back rub because his shoulder was bothering him, and she got "giving Jake a " because her phone got text messages in pieces and she responded back with "Oh really..." and I was mildly embarrassed, and so I got teased about that the rest of the night.

After I text messaged Sherry and Brian, I placed my phone on the charger, and Jake just sort of looked at me funny, and I was like "What?" and he pushed me onto the bed and kissed me, and I was like "Oh hey... wow..." and I kissed him back and then looked at him and went "what was that?"

Jake and I did end up "doing things" that night (but not alot, because hes still a virgin, use your imagination, I am sure I don't need to go into detail) and things just felt right. It didn't feel awkward at all. Usually a friend with benefit sort of situation feels incredibly awkward to me, but this felt right. We didn't even know what to call it, nor were we thinking about calling it anything at this point, we were just kind of going with things.

We fell asleep in each others arms that night, and I woke up at 5:30am elbowed Jake going "Hey, Hey, wake up..." he rolled over going "hmmm?" and I go "What time do you need to be awake for work?" he goes "hmmm?" and I go "Todays Friday dude, What time do you have to be at the Navy Base for work?" he goes "What time is it now?" I go "5:30am" and he tells me to set the alarm for 6:30am, I asked him if he was sure that was enough time to go from Chula Vista to Point Loma (About a 40 minute drive, mind you, he had to get dressed in his Naval Uniform and be across town to base as well) and he says "Hmmm, yeah" and rolls back over and goes to sleep. He was still mildly drunk at this point, of course. 

So, He wakes up an hour later, I give him a hug, I kiss him, and say goodbye. I ask him if he is sure hes okay to drive, and he says yes, so I take his word on it. Later, I find out, he drove through a stop sign, and got a speeding ticket, and had to go to traffic court as a result. I wanted to KICK HIS BUTT for that one (LOL) because I asked him and he swore up and down he was okay with driving to work (He didn't have a choice though really?) So he goes off to work, and he usually works until 3 or 4pm PST. 

In that time, Brian (Karma) and Sherry (Sugarbear) had shown up at the hotel. We had all gone over to Denny's for breakfast, and they were trying to pry out of me what had happened the night before with Jake. I told them I had gotten so trashed I didn't remember, but we all know how bad of a liar I am (LOL) and so they were not dumb and knew I wasn't telling the truth. Eventually, we had goofed off and passed out waiting for Jake to get ouf of work. We were also waiting for Joshua (Venom) to get there from Orange County after work (He lives up by Los Angeles area and so was something like 3 hours away and LA Traffic sucks) 

That night, we all had plans to go down to the bar, it was called "Last Days" and it was minutes from the base where he stayed, and we were going to do drunken karaoke. Jake had asked me if it was okay if he bring a friend along, and I say "Sure, if he's hot" and of course, he didn't respond to it.

Well, while we were still sitting around waiting for Josh (Venom) to get there, in the midst of this, I get a phone call around 5pm PST saying that Jake (Dark) is going to be a bit late, because he is dealing with Blade Stuff (Jake was the Operations Manager of Blade, after Brian/Karma left and so he had to deal with it.) 

So I asked Jake what specifically he was dealing with and he said "Rookips Drama" and I said "Oh, what about?" and he said "Tesla demoted her from HR and put her on leave, and now she wants to quit" And I was like "WTF" and so by the time Jake had gotten to the hotel to fill us all in on what was going on, Sherry said the smart thing which was "Well, we're NOT here to deal with Blade stuff, we're here to enjoy ourselves, so lets do that" and so we ended up all picking who goes in what car and who was the "DD" for the night.
Jake ended up being the "DD" and I said "I am going with Jake, I have to talk to him about stuff anyway" and Caleb (Jake's buddy, also known as Fonz, and he works with Jake in the Navy base, the guy who tagged along with) said "Alright, I guess I'll go with them" and he hopped in Brian's car with Sherry, and Brian and Josh had tagged along with them. 

We went to some place close to the bar for burritos prior to going to the bar, figuring eating before getting drunk was smart. We got some funny photos and commentary of Jake and Brian eating their burrito (That sounds just wrong typing that out LOL) and then headed off to the bar, which was called Last Days where we had a great time.

I had drank 2 Bicardi Rum and Cokes, and then went onto my first shot of Tequila ever. I had 3 Tequila's and wanted a fourth, and the guys refused, saying something about "One tequila, two tequila's three tequila's floor" and I was swearing up and down that I was coherent and sober. Jake decides at this point to get me a shot of "Four horseman" which is four hard liquors (1 part Bourbon whiskey (Jim Beam) 1 part Tennessee whiskey (Jack Daniel's) 1 part Scotch whisky (Johnnie Walker Black) and 1 part Irish Whiskey (Jameson) And after having that shot, I was knocked on my ass (LOL) I could BARELY walk up to do Karaoke with Sherry..

We (all of us) did Karaoke to Bohemian Rhapsody and Jake and I sang Evanescence "Bring me to Life" mildly drunk, and I forget what Sherry and I sang, but it was a fun night. 

We all went back to the hotel that night, and Sherry and Brian shared a bed (Sugarbear and Karma) and I called dibs on the other bed since I paid for the hotel room and I told Jake and Josh (Dark and Venom) they had to fight out who slept in the bed with me.
Jake looked at Josh and said "You can sleep right there on the floor, the bed is mine with Cass" (Cassanova is my alias online for the majority of games) So Josh took the chair/floor on the side of the bed, and Jake dragged me to the bed.

I fell asleep half drunk in his arms and the next morning woke up at 11am, to get ready to go hang out with my friend Daniel who lives in San Diego area (Specifically El Cajon) with his wife, and three adorable kiddos. I've known him for something like 6-7 years. His family is pretty much my family. I ended up trying my first Carne Asada and Horchata and he treated. We talked, laughed, and had a good time. It was awesome to finally be able to meet him after how many years of knowing him, his wife, and the kids.

I lounged around the hotel for an hour by myself, and talked to my friend Drew while the others were out in "Mexicali" as I jokingly called it because when you go on the base, you loose cellular service, and it sends you a text message that says "Welcome to Mexico" and your on international roaming. I guess its something to do with the fighter planes and naval submariners or whatever going on for training around Loma and Coronodo. 

When they got back, they brought Pizza, and I wasn't feeling very well. I cuddled up to Jake, and kinda passed out. They watched Anchorman, and then watched Stepbrothers 2. Brian had never seen Anchorman and it was legendary and we had to watch it because we were in San Diego, where it was filmed. Josh lounged in the chair, I laid in the bed in Jake's arms, and Sherry slept, and we all became lazy.

We all sort of took it all in, realized that this was our last day together. We had Skyped with Roula at some point, where we had dared her to eat ice cream in a sexual manner. She did the dare, to which she countered, she dares Jake to strip tease singing man I feel like a woman while strip teasing me. I have never laughed so hard in my entire life, I thought I was going to die.

Later that night, we went out bowling downtown. Sherry kicked our ass at bowling, which was expected. Josh wasn't really feeling it because his back was bothering him, and I was annoyed and emotional. Jake picked up on something bothering me, and he kept elbowing me flirtatiously and saying "Cass you know your beautiful right?" and whispering it in my ear.

When we got back into his car after a few games of bowling, he drove by the famous KC BBQ Shak, where my favorite film was filmed (TopGun) and pointed it out, and said "Cass, this isn't the end you know" and I said "I know, but I just don't want this to end. This weekend has been amazing. This feels amazing" and he said to me "I mean to tell you, don't think anything into it, I make you feel amazing so you know what it feels like to be treated properly, because every woman deserves that, you deserve that, because your special to me Cass" and I cried a little bit. 

We stopped, we grabbed alcohol, and of course, Jake grabbed Tennessee Honey. I grabbed Smirnoff. Brian grabbed Smirnoff. Josh grabbed Hypnotiq. Sherry grabbed Tennessee Honey and we all went back to the hotel to have a great time. I realized it was just after midnight. I had a 5am flight, and it probably was not wise for me to get drunk.

Meanwhile, Jake couldn't drink because he had to drive me to the airport in the morning. Josh had finished his. Brian had finished his Smirnoff, and was totally trashed on it, and Sherry was enjoying her stuff keeping to herself. Brian was totally gone off of a pint of Vodka. I mean, totally gone. He was trying to blow fire from a lighter. I had to fight him for his lighter and I said something like "No, You will NOT blow flames from that lighter, you will not set this hotel on fire, you will SIT on that bed little boy and you will sit there and be quiet" and at that point Sherry took him outside to try to sober him up. He came back in, and I had offered my Vodka, and of course he jumped on it. I had already opened my Vodka, and he tried to open an already open vodka bottle, and spilled it all over my chest, and I said "Gee thanks Brian, for the spill down my chest" to which he replied "Let me lick it up?" and we just LOL'd for like 5 minutes over it.

After everyone had passed out, I woke up at 3am, got ready by 330 and was packing my stuff by 4am, and Brian had staggered out of the bed to the bathroom. I was thinking in my head of something my stepdad had done when he was drunk (He had gotten so drunk one night where he had walked past the bathroom went onto the porch and pulled his pecker out and pissed on the porch and then came in wondering why it was cold lol) and I was thinking Oh thank God he made it to the bathroom.

Well, just as I thought that, Brian came out of the bathroom, and he dropped his drawers, pulled his pecker out and pissed in a trashcan, and I was FREAKING OUT. I screamed "OMG PUT IT AWAY PUT IT AWAY PULL YOUR PANTS UP!" and I couldn't stop laughing and he just sat there doing his business like "What" lol. It was hilarious.

The next morning, I ended up saying goodbye to Jake. We were both very tired, and emotional, so he dropped me off, and said Goodbye, and he ended up going to base to sleep. I ended up boarding my flight from San Diego to Texas, and I slept the entire way. I kept smiling thinking and hearing Jake tell me "Smile, your beautiful" I will admit, it was a nice feeling to be told how beautiful I am.

Texas::

In Texas, I spent time with my best friend/wifey Bella, and her husband Chris, and their kids. She has 3 kids. Noah, Lily and Zachary. We watched Walking Dead, and we had a good time. I think we did some back yard work, and we had gotten drunk once the kids were in bed too. I drank something like 8 Smirnoff Screwdrivers, 3 shots of Yager (To which her husband Chris responded with You like the hard stuff because you only flush with this and this is hard stuff) and 5 Margaritas with Tequila in them, and I was still coherent and sober at this point. However, I will say that I opened a vodka that was already opened LOL! So many memories from that trip...


Returning Home::
The next morning, my vacation came to an end. I went from Texas to Vegas to grab my daughter (I was mildly hung over, had a headache going on, slept the flight from Texas to Vegas and felt fine after) and then Vegas to Cleveland.

My friend Drew picked Gabby and I up at the airport. Drew and I have history (If you don't recall, he and I dated from Dec 11th til Jan 2ed, I found out I was pregnant with his child Jan 6th, and lost the child Jan 17th at 5 weeks 3 days pregnancy) but he and I remained friends/fwb's if you want to call it that.

Drew and I weren't official, so I figured what happened on vacation in San Diego was TOTALLY normal and I was so happy to just get home and be in my own house, in my own bed again. It was the longest flight of my life.
 
Drew asked me what happened on my vacation, and I told him about San Diego, and what happened in Texas and how I almost had a threesome with Bella and Chris, and he was not happy about this AT ALL. In fact, he got so mad at me, he gave me the silent treatment the ENTIRE WAY home.

He slept over that night, left the next morning, and we fought that entire day, and he decided to come over after work to work things out. We determined that he wanted me to be his, and he loved me still, so he asked me to be his girlfriend. Hesitantly, because of my feelings for Jake (Darkhyrd) I said yes, and then he had sex with me. The next morning, he ditched me. Told me he couldn't trust me because of what happened on vacation and that was that.


April::
Over the next few weeks in April, I leaned on Jake a bit more. Things were going good, but then he lost his uncle. He told me to "back the fuck off and leave him alone" and so I did.

Prior to this point, he and I had already discussed me coming to San Diego in June to visit him before he deploys. I had gotten time off from work approved and everything like that, and so I couldn't cancel everything. We didn't talk for an entire two weeks in April, and I made him sit down the last weekend in April and talk to me.

We talked for 6 hours, and he ended up just letting it all out to me. It turned out that Jake had no feelings for me romantically at all, and he was just trying to find happiness, which he admitted to me. It hurt hearing that, but I forgave him. Karma and Roo were over at Epic Gamer and things were going good for them. They were even a couple.


May::
In May, Tesla took a power hungry strike saying that Jake never did anything on time (when he was the only one around anyway) and she had issues with Tana (the teamspeak server where Blade was) and tried to forcefully move MERC to a new teamspeak server as well as Blade. .

Image result for person falling downJake, Melanie and I had issues with her doing this. Especially where she said Jake didn't do anything, which I called her out on, and she tried to say that I just stuck up for him because of our past history which was also bull. So basically, at this point, we all put our resignation into Blade Radio.

Blade Radio fell to the shambles when we left. They're actually currently trying to maintain themselves, but barely hanging on. Since then, Jake and Melanie started their own radio station called Phoenix Radio, and I have moved over to Epic Gamer Radio with Karma and Roo, Complex, Midknight and Bishop. I am their web developer and I am also an on air personality and in productions with Karma and I am also doing promotions. I have a lot of band connections.


June::

In the last week of May, Jason and Brandy broke up over Secondlife. Brandy met some guy online in SL and she fell in love with him. He lives in Texas. She had plans to meet him in August at this point, but she has now moved to Texas to live with him and is happy. Jason has since then back home to Oregon with his family and his sister. 

Because of this sad and unfortunate news in June,. I had to modify my plans for vacation slightly. Jason was to get Gabby from June 5th through July 31st, but because of this breakup, and his lack of stability, he no longer got her, and so my mother decided to take her.

So in June, I went on my vacation to San Diego to see Jake. I spent the 5th of June to 7th of June in Florida with my mother, stepdad and grandmother and dropped Gabby off with my mother, and then I went to San Diego from the 7th to the 17th. In those ten days, I spent a lot of time alone.

San Diego Pt 2::

I spent the 7th and 8th with Jake. We went to KC BBQ Shak and enjoyed BBQ Pulled Pork and Beer, and then went to see the 3D Version of Xmen Days of Future Past. Sunday we went for a drive into the mountains again and talked. We realized that there was nothing between us anymore, that we were just friends, and slowly started to become more distant. Monday, didn't see each other. Tuesday went for Ice Cream and then didn't see each other. Wednesday, didn't see each other. Thursday I was busy with my friend Daniel (I mentioned him in the first trip, he has a wife and three kids, I've known them for a long time, they are my second family) and Friday I saw Jake because he had to drop me off downtown in Old Town to catch a Train to Fullerton, CA for a concert.

Fullerton::
That night was probably one of the best in that vacation. I went to Fullerton to see Eyes Set to Kill, and meet up with my friend Anissa and Alexia from ESTK. Then I went back to the hotel and spent time with Joshua *(Venom from MERC)* and we had a great night laughing and hanging out. In the morning, he a
nd I went and got breakfast at Dennys and hung out for a bit, and then he dropped me off at the train station to go back to San Diego.

Back to San Diego I Go::
When I got to San Diego, Jake picked me up and we hung out that Saturday and then that Sunday he had to pack. That Saturday we went to lunch together. We went to Olive Garden and had laughs, and then he took me to the beach so I could put my feet in the Pacific Ocean and then on Sunday we went out to eat at some restaurant called Oggis, and had a few laughs. We threw our straw wrappers at each other like kids. It was hard to say goodbye to him thinking he was deploying in September... but he had news... at the end of my visit, he told me that he had be
en re-stationed to where he was at that time to do training. I wanted to kill him. I didnt know whether to laugh or cry but I was happy he was there and not deploying... little did I know what was going to happen the next month...

July::


In July, Sherry dated this guy named Devin and Devin caused a bunch of drama. He pissed alot of people including me off. Jake and Sherry decided they didn't want me in their life. So what happened is they blocked me and deleted me on Facebook and sent me some not so nice texts. Tana banned me from Teamspeak, but also banned Devin for a year. Said too much drama on the server... .

I had to realize that starting over, after losing the friends you had so long is never easy.... but I've been doing okay. I hit my rock bottom during that week period, and then pulled myself out of it. I realized that some people are in your life for reasons, seasons or a lifetime. There is a poem about this, but it basically fit 110% the situation. I moved on and left them behind. 

At the end of July, I saw Gemini Syndrome & Sevendust. It was AMAZING. I had not seen them since I saw them in 2011 at the bar in Los Angeles, CA. Definately an amazing end to July. I got to meet them after the concert and it was amazing.


August::

In August, I had to travel back to Florida to get Gabriella. Jason was originally supposed to do this, but I had to. So I got 1 week of FMLA off of work. 

On the way down, I stopped in Louisville, KY and I saw Sick Puppies and was a VIP. Most memorable times because I got to meet Mark Janeski, and Adam Abbot, both who were really good friends of mine. Adam and I met at the Hottest Chicks in Rock Tour Concert in Joliet, IL in March, so it was nice to reunite and actually meet Mark as he and I became close, and ACTUALLY have a conversation with Adam, and talk to him. He and I stood next to each other at the front of the stage. Mark and I had good conversations too. I'll never forget the moment I met them both. I was walking down the street and Google Maps gave me an address. Mark told me to look up, I literally looked up going how the hell did they get there? Adam shook hios head and was like I don't know you. Mark laughed alot. I laughed alot too. The concert was amazing. We were all nicknamed "railrats" and I had so much fun. 

From there, I got back on a Greyhound, to head down to Florida. A 20 hour ride took nearly 30. I don't know what the bus driver was doing, but she was doing something crazy. 

I stopped in Palatka, Florida and had the pleasure of meeting Adam DeGreenia, my friend known as "Kira" from Debauchery. He and I had an amazing night together. He worked for a movie theater, and had the keys, and so we went and watched "Guardians of the Galaxy" and had the entire theater to ourselves. He also showed me how the movie things work, and it was actually quite nice. He and I had an amazing night together. 

From there, I returned to the Greyhound to pick my daughter up, and we ended up travelling through Atlanta, and it brought back memories. It actually was quite long of a trip, not too sure why it took so long, but it was nice to be home.

August 27th, I met DJ... we started playing League, and hanging out a lot... He was a decent guy... but little did I know when he would hang that he would friend zone me... 

September::

Labor day weekend, another Debauchery friend came to visit me. His name is Andrew Cunningham, and he lives like 3 hours away from me on the WV border. He and I used to joke all the time about how close WV was to OH. I am challenged geographically, so... it was funny for them to find out that I didnt realize how close WV to OH was. We pretty much hung out, watched an anime he liked, talked about his graphic stuff, and his convention he went to, we talked about random things, went out to Olive Garden for dinner, and we watched a movie called "Divergence" on TV. It was alot of fun. Oh, yeah, the anime was called Ruby. I liked it alot.  

At the end of September was my birthday. I turned 25 year, and I felt old, haha. I didnt do much for my birthday. I went to go get Pumpkin Blizzard from Dairy Queen... but I was content with that... and I was okay spending my birthday with my daughter, and I wouldn't have it any other way... I met Ed Racketta in September... and he and I would talk regularly... he told me that he was going to go to the GS Concert in Kent... I pretty much begged him to take me, as a late birthday gift, and he did... buit I had to wear Steelers Pride for a week... Ugh. I cant believe he did that, but it was worth it in the end....

October:


October showed me driving lessons... I almost had my license too, but I failed maneuverability... I was so close... but I am directionally challenged... so October showed me that I need to have more patience and not let my anxiety get to me... 

October also was amazing because I met Ed. It was a Friday, October 25th. I NEEDED that more than anything else. I NEEDED that concert more than anything else too. It was amazing to start the "duck the whole conspiracy" thing with Aaron, GS and the Synner family. 

So with the concert, Ed and I show up at the venue. We get there around 5:23pm EST. We park next to a dumpster (LOL) on the other side of the venue. The guy pulls in to the right of us, and he is rocking out to Gemini Syndrome. The way you know your an Original Synner/True Synner is when you can hear the music THROUGH the car but still know the song with the first line played before the lyrics. So I start jamming as well.

So we go to the other side, where guys are loading off. We find Aaron and Brian  just chilling. I look at Ed, I go, Oh No, I'm shaking, I'm so nervous, he laughs and goes, it will be fine, I go, no, you don't understand, these guys are my idols. He laughs. 

So we go right over to Aaron, and I go "Hey Aaron, "Duck the whole conspiracy" and he goes "No, Its FUCK the whole conspiracy" and I go "No Man, its "duck the whole conspiracy. Synner Circle sent us out to complete a Synner Mission. Duck the whole conspiracy. He looked at me strange, and I show him the bag. I then tell him "Its all because you wore those duck PJs on Tour" and he laughs and goes "yeah I still have those" and then smiles, and I go "So we brought you ducks" and we give him our two ducks, and the bag. I tell him that we decorated them with our favorite lyrics, the date and city they were in. 

He, smiling profusely and amused goes to Mike and goes "Hey Mike, look bro,  we got ducks" and Mike looks as confused as Aaron did, pulls them out and Mikes like Oh man, we got ducks. Then he brings them to Brian and goes Hey Brian, we have ducks. Brian goes "nice!" and then he goes in to show AP, and he goes "Hey AP we got ducks!" and AP Smiles. He comes back out and goes "I'm going to put this bag for ducks on my chain" and we laugh and go "be careful, it may fall off eventually with all the ducks" and he laughs, gives both Ed and I a hug, and says "thank you" and we tell him that there will be more ducks. He smiles, and goes "I really appreciate it" and then we go "We have more. We brought you Monster and Mountain Dew" and he smiles even more and goes "Thank you guys! We really appreciate it!" and then I see AP coming out, and go "Hey AP, there's Monster in the van, we gave it to Aaron, you might have to fight him for it" and he smiles, gives me a kiss on the cheek, and a huge hug, I kiss him and then I talk to him a bit. 

In Essence, they LOVED the "duck the whole conspiracy" mission and I would gladly full-fill any other missions again for the Synner Circle of Friends. They will surely remember us for the rest of their lives and at any show. We heart Gemini Syndrome, as you can tell.

October 27th, I went through surgery. I had a hysteroscopy, dilation&cutterage and a laproscopy for my endometriosis. I suffered quite a bit of pain for the week and a half to follow. It was interesting, but it confirmed why I have such painful periods and sex, and also why my fertility is infertility. (See other blog titled "Surgery")

November::

November started off as a very hectic month. I had learned to lean more on my best friend Mike for things than go and bug DJ…. Speaking of DJ… DJ and I got into a huge disagreement November 1st. I told him I was falling for him, and in love with him, but he basically freaked on me. Apparently this is a huge no-no or something. Well, he decided he was going to be mad at me, and I took that energy and decided to focus it elsewhere. I worked a lot. Finished my college classes, which has a 3.87 GPA Overall, and a 3.5 Quarter GPA. From this incident, I got the strength to tell a particular crush of mine how I felt, and he had known about it quite some time, and he and I talked more and more, which was good. He was there for me to pick me up when I was down, and needed that pick me up. He never walked away, even with me talking about DJ to him. He helped ease my pain that my heartfelt. Eventually, I told my best friend/wifey Bella about it, and she helped me let go. She helped me realize if someone was meant to be in my life, they will be. The thing that particularly stands out about November is my trust and faith in God that everything was going to work out financially, and with DJ, whether friends or more. Thanksgiving was pretty awesome. I cooked a big dinner, and spent time with my daughter, though I really missed home. I was trying to get out to see my mother, but it just wasn’t working out for me.

December::

December was awesome. It was the great end to my hectic and amazing year. The only thing I wanted for Christmas I got. In December, I was able to 1. Go to a Carolina Panthers Game 2. DJ Started talking to me again 3. I met Mike, my best friend 4. My sister came from MA to OH to visit me. These four things stick out and make my December pretty freaking amazing.

The Carolina Panthers Game was amazing. I dressed in my jersey. I went in “mighty fine 59” Luke Kuechly’s jersey, and had a great time. I met some of the most amazing people, and became a part of the “Down East Carolina Panthers Tailgate” and made a second family in NC. It is beautiful in NC. I’ve considered moving there. The southern hospitality is amazing. I’ve never had such good tasting food, and I don’t do social gatherings well, and so it was quite awesome that I got up and did the “wobble” and did the “shuffle” and it was so much fun. Everyone says looking at photos, that they have not seen me smile like that in a while, and its true. I smiled a lot that day. So many memories and so much fun.

DJ and I saw each other, and started talking again. We hung out, talked, and things went well. I gave him his Christmas Gifts, which were 1. Chipotle Gift Card 2. A7X Poster/CD Signed 3. Browns Blanket and 4. Peppermint Bark. He loved it, he said that I put a lot of thought into my gifts.

Mike was awesome to meet. We had talked pretty much like it was nothing else. His mother and sister were pretty cool. His mother invited me back anytime. He LOVED his A7X Poster that I got for him. He had EXACTLY the reaction I expected. Mike loves A7X, and so it was perfect. He also loved his Browns Blanket.

My sister coming for Christmas was the cake topping of December. She and I had so much fun. We had a whipped crème fight. We had so much good food, since I cooked again, we had a lot of memories together, and I will miss her now that she is back home.

On the 28th, My Panthers WON the NFC South Division for the second year in a row! This made me so happy! This means we are going to Championships!

Lastly, since December is the last month out of the year, I have lost 10lbs. I know it’s not much but it is something.

2014 has been amazing. I've met some of the most amazing people in my life (AJ, Terrance, Ed, Bella, DJ, Mike, Alex, Josh ect. ect. this list could go on forever) but its also shown me loss, heartbreak, and devestation, but the difference is that I didn't let it get me down.

So where does this put 2015? 2015 will be freaking amazing. First to-do, is to get my license, and then a car. Those are priority for me. Weight Loss. I’m going to get serious about it. I want to be 200lbs by June 2015. Boyfriend? Maybe I will have a boyfriend in 2015. I am unsure, I quite like where things are at the moment, so there is no rush. I know one thing, 2015, will be just as awesome, and blessed as this year was, and is, and I will make it my year again. I’ve come such a long way in 2014, that 2015 will only be better.


Surgery for Endometriosis....

So today was the big day for me... I had surgery...
I am in a lot of pain, but they did find Endometriosis.
She said that she has done whats called an "ablation" which basically should get rid of the Endometriosis...
But that because I cannot treat/supress the Endometriosis, that I have a high risk of it growing back.
She said it was on my Left and Right Uterosacral Ligaments.

Here are some photos for enjoyment...
In case you've ever wondered what your woman insides look like... 
these are also labeled...

I was officially diagnosed with Stage I Endometriosis...
I will have a follow up with Dr Tan in the new year to see how I am handling things.
As I've said, I am in a lot of pain, and I am not handling the pain well...
I think I underestimated how much you use your abdominal muscles... heh
My best friend Brian is spending the night watching me to make sure nothing happens to me post-op...
He's seriously a God Send to me...
But for now, back to sleep I go...










Consultation....

You know how on house they have a group of doctors who look over your medical history or specialize in particular areas? Today was my day to go see a "Reproductive Endocrinology Infertility Specialist" but not for the reason you may think...

This REI Specialist specializes in not only infertility, but also specializes in Endometriosis.

Today, I went to go see her. Her name is Dr. Julie Tan, and she was in Avon, Ohio. 

She seemed very nice and seemed like she knew her stuff, but I just didn't really like the fact that she pushed birth control on me knowing my medical history and the fact that I have had a DVT/PE in the past and the fact that I underwent Chemotherapy in the past, meant that Lupron was a no. Not only was Lupron a no for me, but she kept pushing it telling me to give it one month. Ultimately, I told her that my insurance would not cover it, and I would prefer instead of masking the issue, that they try to officially diagnose my condition and treat it, rather than mask it (If you think PCOS, think birth control only masks PCOS, sort of the same concept with Endometriosis, Lupron masks the Endo instead of helping it)

So basically, here is my after visit summary from today's encounter:


Consult from: Dr. Raymond

April M Driesse is a 24 year old. Caucasian female  Patient has a history of PCOS and severe dysmenorrhea.  Dysmenorrhea happened since childhood.  PCOS diagnosed in 2012.
Addison's disease diagnosed at age 11 on Cortef and floricef.
H/o DVT/PE - Hypercoagulable.
Chronic back pain see pain management.
For the past year, pt c/o constant pelvic pain.  Much worse during period.
H/o RPL x 6.

Obstetric History
 G8  P2  T0  P2  A6  TAB0  SAB6  E0  M0  L1

(This means Gestation: 8 (I have 1 living child, 1 stillborn, and 6 miscarriages, they do not count chemical pregnancies during this. P: This means Para, The Birth of Viable Babies, that is 20 weeks onward so I have Gabriella and I have my stillborn. T: This means Term. Gabriella was born 36 weeks, so she was not term, and my stillborn was at 20 weeks, so Term is 0 for me. P: This P signifies Pre-Term Births. This number is 2 for me, because my stillborn was at 20 weeks and Gabriella was 36 weeks. TAB means Theraputic Abortion, which is 0 for me, because I've never had any abortions. SAB is Spontaneous Abortions, or in my case, miscarriage. This is a fancy/offensive way of saying a woman has had a miscarriage. For me, I have had 6, and I've had 2 chemical pregnancies which were miscarriages but for whatever reason they do not count those. E means Ectopic, which for me is 0. M stands for Molar Pregnancy which for me is 0, and L stands for Living, which for me is 1)

Menstrual Hx:
Menarche: 7 years old
Cycle length: 32-35 days
Duration: 6 days
Flow: heavy to light
  
PAST SURGICAL HISTORY

Tonsillectomy Hx - 1999
D and C Diagnostic (x2)

History of present illness:
Characteristics of the pain are as
follows:

Chronicity: Onset: since she was 7 years old. 
Location: suprapubic and low back pain without radiation
Quality: dull and sharp
Quantity: 10/10 in intensity during mense.  7/10 during intercourse
Aggravating factors: none
Alleviating factors: heating pad
Associated symptoms: no

Menarche? 7
Are you still having menstrual periods? Yes
If yes: PERIOD REGULARITY: regular q 28-30 days, FLOW CHARACTERISTICS: heavy, bleed through protection and length of flow 6 days, DYSMENORRHEA: throughout menses, CYCLIC SYMPTOMS:  pelvic pain, HORMONE REPLACEMENT: Has tried Micronor, Lo-Orval and Other OCP in past.
Do you pass clots? Yes


April M Driesse is a 25 year old female with severe dysmenorrhea.
We went over several options both surgical and medical.
Patient at first interested in medical treatment with lupron but later decide to have surgery.
She will contact her endocrinologist and hematologist for recommendation for treatment prior to her surgery.
Since she has quite significant pelvic muscle tenderness, I recommend she starts pelvic floor PT.
Order placed.
R/b/a of the procedure discussed. Patient would like to proceed with surgery.
I discuss with her that due to her medical problems, I think it is appropriate to try medical management first.  However, patient declines medical treatment and only interested in having surgery.
Julie Tan, MD


 
So basically, now we wait for a surgery date and for pre-op and all that fun stuff, I'll update when I have more... but I am really getting sick and tired of popping pain pills and living my life in pain... I just want to get rid of this Endometriosis, if that is even what I have, and then be able to improve my fertility and have a little bit less pain each month...