Hiatus....

 

I have decided to take this year in 2014 and focus on myself. 

I will come back in December to update all the wonderful things I have done in 2014, but I need this year to be a year of healing.  I need to focus on me. I need to get myself well. I need to love myself before I can expect another to love me...

I promise, I'll be back to update if anything significant occurs, but right now, I need to focus on me, and focus on Gabriella.

Healing and a Letter to my Unborn...

I’m starting to heal… slowly, but it still hurts.

I feel shattered. I lost Drew, not once, but twice. I am now losing our baby.

The harsh reality is hitting me. What once was, and what once seemed to be perfect, is no longer…

It is just a shattered memory… a very distant star… a painful memory…

Two days ago, my best friend Bella gave me a challenge… and I am going to take her challenge and accept it seriously… the challenge was to take 90 days to make myself better… 90 days single. 90 days to focus on me, and build myself back up, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

90 days would be Wednesday April 16^th 2014. I look forward to seeing myself heal in this time.

I’m healing. I’m trying to get Drew out of my head. I’m giving him his space. I’m not text messaging him. I’m tempted to text message him, but I can’t.

I am avoiding triggers. I’ve joined a Co-Dependence Anonymous group. I’m going to grow spiritually in the next 90 days with God, and become closer to him. I’m going to better me.

I know it is easier said than done, but I want to be able to smile, look back, heal, and tell myself that someday, someone will love me for who I am. That I don’t need anyone. That I can love myself, and that I am happy with myself.

I’m going to take this time to heal myself, work on me. I’m going to lose weight, and get back into shape. Join a gym, spend more time with my daughter… and just enjoy life..

I may have fallen apart, but I am slowly getting back up and walking again. It stings more some days than others. It hurts more some days than others, but as the day goes on, as time goes on, Drew becomes a distant imaginary friend. Something to laugh at once upon a time. Something that is a memory and someone that is making me better… 

Because of Drew, and loosing this child, I realized I need a lot to work on me… Because of Drew, I realized that I have a lot to work on. Because of the pain Drew put me through, I realized that I need to stop being so vulnerable, and stop being so naïve. Because of Drew, I realized that taking chances often leads to crashing and burning. I need to learn not to trust and love so easily… 

I’ve accepted because of Drew that it is okay to admit needing help, and it is okay to hurt, and move on, at your own place, slowly. I realized that it is okay to sting, burn, and hurt, and that I accepted that things will never change… I accepted that I will always love him, and he will always have a tiny piece of my heart, but that I don’t think he will ever be able to have me trust him the same again, or love him again the same. I’ve accepted what is. I accepted I cannot change this, and that I have to move on, but that I am able to, and can do it. I fell apart, but I am getting back up again… and I am becoming stronger than ever… 

So I guess I owe Drew a thank you, in some ways more than other. Thank you Drew for breaking me down, hurting me in a way I didn’t think was possible to do, just so I can build myself back up again. I may not be happy with you right now, and may be upset with you right now, but it won’t always be that way…

And to my baby… Baby Dominic Andrew Doyle… I loved you more than words can say. I wanted you more than you know. And I was happy to have known you for the twelve days that I did… I am so sorry mommies body couldn’t handle carrying you… and I am so sorry that you had to leave this world so early but you brought me so much joy, and you will never be forgotten, and you will be among all your other sisters and brothers in heaven playing, watching over Gabby and Mommy, and Drew, and smiling… I am so glad that I knew you for twelve days… And may you rest and pass in peace…

Forever in my heart…

Ovulation Date: December 25^th 2013

Positive Pregnancy Test: January 5^th 2014

Confirmed Pregnancy: January 7^th 2014

Miscarriage/Death Date/Celebration of your short life: January 17^th 2014

Gone but NOT FORGOTTEN.

I LOVE YOU AND YOU WILL BE MISSED.

Much later on January 17th 2014....

I’m typing this with tears in my eyes…

I just got back from the Emergency Room… It is 11:54pm EST.

I went to Tripoint Medical Center in Concord, OH around 5pm… I informed Drew that I was cramping and it was getting worse…

Our fears were shared in that it was a miscarriage, but we were trying to remain hopeful…

Four hours went by, and it was nearing 9pm, and I was still waiting to be told what I already knew… I was beginning to get frustrated… I wish they would just tell me what was going on already…

I was being poked, prodded, and was hooked up to at least 3 IV’s. I was dehydrated and in pain. They had me on fluids, an antibiotic infusion, and an infusion for my Addison’s and a pain med. I was getting sick of just sitting and waiting… not to mention four ultrasounds? How many times do you need to get an ultrasound to confirm what was going on?

The doctor came in, and told me the news I did not want to hear… the news I had heard so many times before…

“I am so sorry, you’re loosing the baby”

Really? The last thing a woman wants to be told is that they are going to lose their baby. The exact thing they were holding onto hope for.

He continued…

“We believe the reason your miscarrying is because your Cortisol levels are through the roof high. High Cortisol and your High TSH combined with your other conditions makes life unsustainable for a pregnancy. There is no way the baby would have made it. You went nearly a month without your Addison’s medications, and you chose to move, and so it is partially your fault.”

REALLY? At this point I wanted to punch the doctor… but I was too emotional and in too much of a state of shock to react to his statement… 

The baby I had held onto… the want for another walking miracle… The want to keep Drew in my life… the hope I had… all shattered… in an instant. I couldn’t grasp it… I didn’t want to accept it… It felt like my entire world was coming down all around me.

All I wanted was to be home in my bed, wake up and be told this was a nightmare… The baby I wanted, and dreamed, was being taken from me…

Anger… questioning God… Why’s, How’s, so many unanswered questions… I just wanted to let it be done and over…

He continued …

“I am so very sorry and my condolences… “

“Your spotting now, you may start to notice within the next two weeks clotting, and excessive heavy bleeding, this is normal… follow up with your OB/GYN to ensure your body has “cleaned itself out” and that you do not need Misopropitol and an Antibiotic. Also to ensure you do not need a D&C”

“Some things are not meant to be…”

“Here are your discharge papers…”

It felt like all a dream, it really did… It felt like I was going to wake up, and the last two weeks of hell are going to be over, Drew will be lying next to me in my bed, and I’d still be happily pregnant…

I went home, and I had half a billion “Sorries” and people asking what went on. 

I felt like it was my fault, and all I could keep muttering to Drew was I was sorry. I was angry and so I told him out of anger that he could go back to his life, and he got what he wanted… and he told me that was untrue, that both of us wanted this baby, and that he being around Gabby made him realize how much he wanted children..

I made a facebook post explaining that I REALLY didn’t want to hear anymore sorries. That it didn’t change anything and that I Just wanted to be hugged and told everything would be okay…

I was angry with Drew because he didn’t stop what he was doing, and drive back to see me at the hospital. I knew he was out with his friends and was going to Strip Clubs over the weekend, and I was angry that this had more precedence over him losing his child with me.. 

I felt unloved, uncared for, and like this would tear what little bit of love I had for him away… that it would distance us…

And all I can do now is cry… Cry my heart out… because what I wanted more than anything in this world was taken from me… and it’s so unfair..

Just Like That... It All Went Away...

Today… Today… Today…

I think my worst nightmares are coming true… I’ve stopped getting the cravings for the last two days, and I have not had morning sickness either… I’ve been stressed out… I’ve been hurting all day… I’ve been cramping all day…

I’m trying to fight through it… I’m trying to think that maybe it’s all in my head… but the pain is getting worse. The cramping is not going away… The hurt… it hurts so bad…

If it continues, I will be heading to the ER… but I am hoping it goes away…

Emotions and Mood Swings?

So today, I had a lot of emotions going on… 

 First, my beta came back at 1266. So it is not quite doubling, but it is doubling. Come on baby, Stick! I was informed again, when I asked the nurse why it is not doubling, that I am in range, and that sometimes the numbers take time to double, and that there could be a vanishing twin, but that only time would tell what was going to happen.

I think I also let my emotions get the best of me today… because I was cooking dinner, and asked Drew on a “dinner and movie” date and we were talking about Valentine’s Day, and sometimes I should really shut my mouth, because I messed everything up.

Drew felt like I was asking him on a date as like a commitment thing. I was not. I was only doing it as friends. I’ve never seen a guy so afraid of commitment in my entire life. It’s quite funny.

So, Drew decided that he no longer wanted to be friends with benefits, because our feelings were getting too much involved, and things were getting too confusing. 

Part of me understands, but the other part of me does not. His stance on it, is that friends don’t sleep with friends. He doesn’t want to get too attached, and he feels he is. Which tells me yet again, that HE STILL LOVES ME. 

I just don’t get it. Until this moment, I had not realized that someone could be hurt and your heart could be broken along the same fault lines twice. It hurts badly. I thought I had totally gotten over loving him on January 5^th, but instead I guess I just found another way to have him. I came up with the idea that if I had him as friends with benefits that I still had him and eventually he would come back to me, but that appears not to be the case. 

It hurts so badly, it stings. I LOVED him. I know that sounds crazy, but I did. I only knew him for 3.5 weeks, but I felt so connected, so in love with him. I’ve accepted that those who hurt us are usually hurting themselves, and their pain is so strong that they are not even aware they are hurting us. So he doesn’t even realize he is hurting me, and he says he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he is. He is hurting me, and it hurts. It’s toxic… and it’s causing me to become envious over other peoples happiness. I want that to be me damnit. I am pregnant with his child, the least he could do is show he cares… more than just “making himself available” by phone. Yes, I am grateful for that, but damnit, I want a family. I don’t want to raise this baby in two households. It’s so unfair.’

So I’ve accepted this:

 

And so, I will cry. I will hurt. I will be angry. I will be envious. I will get over it, slowly, and I will move on. But I don’t know if I will love anyone the same again. I think Drew will be the reason I don’t trust as easily, and don’t fall as easily. 

It is REALLY hard for me to understand what went wrong. He was happy, I was happy, and then that happiness got taken not once, but twice. It’s so hard for me to sit here and understand why it hurts so badly. 

When talking to my best friend Vincent, he says the reason I was able to get over Alex, and over Vincent, and over Jason so easily (Not Gabby’s dad Jason… Nikki’s Jason) was because I knew subconsciously and consciously that eventually those would end, and that I had hoped that Drew would be “the one” for me. 

I mean, he even called me “his lady friend” when we played matches of League together. It just hurts, and I don’t know if I can get myself out of this rut… but I know eventually, I will be okay… eventually the hurt will go away…