Emotions and Mood Swings?

So today, I had a lot of emotions going on… 

 First, my beta came back at 1266. So it is not quite doubling, but it is doubling. Come on baby, Stick! I was informed again, when I asked the nurse why it is not doubling, that I am in range, and that sometimes the numbers take time to double, and that there could be a vanishing twin, but that only time would tell what was going to happen.

I think I also let my emotions get the best of me today… because I was cooking dinner, and asked Drew on a “dinner and movie” date and we were talking about Valentine’s Day, and sometimes I should really shut my mouth, because I messed everything up.

Drew felt like I was asking him on a date as like a commitment thing. I was not. I was only doing it as friends. I’ve never seen a guy so afraid of commitment in my entire life. It’s quite funny.

So, Drew decided that he no longer wanted to be friends with benefits, because our feelings were getting too much involved, and things were getting too confusing. 

Part of me understands, but the other part of me does not. His stance on it, is that friends don’t sleep with friends. He doesn’t want to get too attached, and he feels he is. Which tells me yet again, that HE STILL LOVES ME. 

I just don’t get it. Until this moment, I had not realized that someone could be hurt and your heart could be broken along the same fault lines twice. It hurts badly. I thought I had totally gotten over loving him on January 5^th, but instead I guess I just found another way to have him. I came up with the idea that if I had him as friends with benefits that I still had him and eventually he would come back to me, but that appears not to be the case. 

It hurts so badly, it stings. I LOVED him. I know that sounds crazy, but I did. I only knew him for 3.5 weeks, but I felt so connected, so in love with him. I’ve accepted that those who hurt us are usually hurting themselves, and their pain is so strong that they are not even aware they are hurting us. So he doesn’t even realize he is hurting me, and he says he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he is. He is hurting me, and it hurts. It’s toxic… and it’s causing me to become envious over other peoples happiness. I want that to be me damnit. I am pregnant with his child, the least he could do is show he cares… more than just “making himself available” by phone. Yes, I am grateful for that, but damnit, I want a family. I don’t want to raise this baby in two households. It’s so unfair.’

So I’ve accepted this:

 

And so, I will cry. I will hurt. I will be angry. I will be envious. I will get over it, slowly, and I will move on. But I don’t know if I will love anyone the same again. I think Drew will be the reason I don’t trust as easily, and don’t fall as easily. 

It is REALLY hard for me to understand what went wrong. He was happy, I was happy, and then that happiness got taken not once, but twice. It’s so hard for me to sit here and understand why it hurts so badly. 

When talking to my best friend Vincent, he says the reason I was able to get over Alex, and over Vincent, and over Jason so easily (Not Gabby’s dad Jason… Nikki’s Jason) was because I knew subconsciously and consciously that eventually those would end, and that I had hoped that Drew would be “the one” for me. 

I mean, he even called me “his lady friend” when we played matches of League together. It just hurts, and I don’t know if I can get myself out of this rut… but I know eventually, I will be okay… eventually the hurt will go away…