Alone....

Alone…

That is how I truly feel right now… I feel so alone… I’m scared… I’m afraid of the future… I don’t think I am capable of raising another baby all by myself… I had this thought in my head once upon a time that if I had a baby with someone, and they truly loved me, and that child, that we would get married, and raise the child together… but reality is I am not raising that baby together with someone else, I am raising it by myself… I feel so alone, and scared right now… and no matter how I express that to Drew, he just doesn’t get it. I wonder what the future will be like, and often can’t figure out how I feel… I wonder if this means putting our dreams on hold. I wonder how raising a baby alone without the support of the other person living with you, co-dependant, and co-habitating works. I don’t remember it with Gabriella. It was so long ago, but seems like just yesterday I had help with her father and with Alex… It seems it’s been so long that I’ve been “single” and I just feel the need to find a partner. I am unsure…

Today, other than feeling alone and unsure, and uncertain, I feel sick to my stomach. Not feeling well at all. I am stressing Drew out apparently with all my questions. It’s not meant to be that way… but I think he is still very much a child in his own mind, and so throwing a baby out there, when it happened when we both weren’t ready, was quite harsh. I think maybe he is having trouble balancing an upcoming baby, and also the responsibilities of his family, me, and school.  But who knows… I am just going with the flow of things right now… taking one day at a time… and seeing where things go…

I feel a bit of hope for us, but then there is that part of me that has to realize that he just does not want to be with me like that. I try to rationalize how something so right went so wrong. I try to understand, and think well maybe if he loved me, he still does, and there is hope for the future, but then I have to accept there is not.

Today, I did not go to church and probably should have. It feels like when I am in church, I speak directly to God. It hurts so badly, to think that something that once was, is no longer. I wanted so badly to have a family, and be a family, and be loved, and now I am not going to get that… so I feel like maybe going to church would have helped, but I just couldn’t find the motivation to do so, and so yet again, I feel alone.

I feel like the devil is attacking my thoughts left and right, putting these thoughts in my head about silly things like abortion, or why get close/attached when I am going to miscarry. I hope I do not. It is so hard to remain hopeful when you don’t even begin to understand what is going on with you, or your future, or your life, or your family, or what to expect.

So that is pretty much how I feel today… alone, unsure and uncertain…