Lucius-John…
You were born on the day of a CAVS final game. You came into this world very fast and determined to
get here. So much so, that you gave everyone a little bit of a scare because
they were not prepared for you to come that fast. And isn’t that fitting? We
were not expecting you, and you were not planned, and we were not at all
prepared for you, but today, we were ready for you. Especially mommy, because
mommy had gone on one hell of a ride to get you here safely.
Between injections of Lovonox 40mg twice a day,
Injections of Progesterone in Oil until the placenta was able to take over and
produce supply on its own. Injections of Makena to ensure that you do not come
pre-term or that my membranes do not rupture prematurely. Injections of short
and long-acting insulin three times a day and mommy being terribly sick with
severe morning sickness that lasted all day – some of which required
hospitalizations, fluids, and ultimately a medication called Dicelgis to be
able to function.
Mommy went through hell and back again to ensure your safe
arrival.
In the beginning, mommy stopped all her medication
until she was able to get in with an OB/GYN to determine which ones were safe
to take. As a result, she went through serious withdrawals of medication, some
of which you’re not supposed to just stop, but she wanted to ensure you were
safe (Meds like Tramadol, Lyrica, Prednisone, Methotrexate, Depakote,
Anti-Depressants and other pain meds are supposed to be weaned off. I REFUSED
to put myself at risk of miscarrying another baby, so I stopped all my meds
right away and I feel strongly that therefore my pregnancy succeeded) Mommy
also suffered with debilitating migraines, and at times debilitating pain.
In the beginning, mommy was unsure if she could do this. Mommy had very little
support. Daddy and his family were afraid to get too involved for fear of
attachment and then grief, so they avoided mommy for most of her pregnancy.
Daddy went to the NT Screen Ultrasound at 13 weeks, but then did not go to
another until mommy was almost to term. Daddy and his family were afraid that
you would not make it into this world, so they distanced themselves, until
around 30 weeks.
Please understand, my son, when you read this someday,
that was not because daddy and his family didn’t love you. They did. But
understand what mommy went through before you got here.
Mommy had suffered from
multiple recurrent pregnancy losses which included 7 first trimester losses,
and 2 second trimester losses at 14 weeks which required D&Cs, and a
stillborn at 20 weeks who had HLHS and was the result of a placental abruption
and clots in the cord. I also had 1 chemical pregnancy. Mommy’s pregnancy with
you made pregnancy 13.
Before you graced us with your presence, mommy went
through multiple ultrasounds, 2 Saline Infusion Sonograms, 2 Hysterosalpingograms
to clear my tubes and check for uterine abnormalities, 2 Endometriosis
Surgeries, 1 of which was out of state in Atlanta, GA by the worldwide renowned
surgeon Dr. Sinervo (see earlier blog posts here: )
Mommy went through 3 cycles of Clomid and 3 cycles of Femara (which I never
want to go through again; they made me into a crazy raving bitch and I didn’t
ovulate at all on them) 2 Cycles of Gonal-F (Injectibles of FSH; Basically,
this is to help healthy ovaries develop (mature) and release an egg or cause your ovaries to make multiple (more than 1) eggs)
Mommy went through Genetic Thrombophilia Testing and Genetic Karyotype Testing,
removal of pre-cancer cells and uterine fibroids, and mommy went through
inducing her cycles every 90 days with Provera AND was told that she needed IVF
and it would never happen naturally.
Mommy and Daddy didn’t think you were going to be
anywhere in their future. After talking about it with a few friends, mommy had agreed
that after severe pain during each cycle, likely caused from Adenomyosis and
Possible Regrowth of Endometriosis (though the first is more likely than the
latter) that she would go through the process to get approved for a Mirena IUD
to allow her system to cool down for a few years until she was in a stable
relationship and ready to actively try for you. Mommy also agreed that the IUD
was the best option because she was also a patient with Cleveland Clinic's bariatric
weight loss program, and the requirement post-surgery is that you do not get
pregnant for 18 months post-op.
So... with sadness in her eyes, mommy went to her
hematology consult to get approval and they approved the Mirena IUD; Mommy then
went to her consult with her OBGYN to talk about birth control/IUD and was approved
as a candidate for the Mirena IUD (it was the Mirena or Skyla, but Mirena shows
more potential in Endo/Adeno cases) and mommy had that Mirena IUD insertion
scheduled to be inserted, and while waiting for financial clearance, after
everything mommy had gone through with daddy and previous relationships, mommy
had given up hope on having another child, when you decided to grace us with
your presence.
Lucius-John…
You were the "boy who lived". You were the light at the end of our darkness. The name Lucius is Latin for
Light. Daddy had always loved this name and fallen in love with it. It was also
in Harry Potter, which both daddy and mommy were huge fans of. Mommy fell even
more in love with the name, when she found out the female version of the name
was Lux, and that was on mommy’s female name list, after her favorite band
Gemini Syndrome, who literally saved her life. So, mommy and daddy agreed that
your name was going to be Lucius.
We both knew you were a
boy. Mommy was very sick, and so she told daddy “this is going to be a boy… or
one hell of a stubborn female” and he said “it’s a boy. I don’t even need to
have the lab test confirm that”
Mommy had a specialized
test done at 13 weeks in addition to the NT Scan that daddy attended. This test
was called a MaterniT21 test, and with it came the ability to find out what we
were having. The lab technician asked us what we thought it was, and we told
her “We don’t even need the test for that, we know it’s a boy. But we will be
happy with either gender as long as its happy and healthy” and she smiled. But
guess what? YOU CAME BACK A BOY!
Anyway… after everything
mommy had gone through, daddy and his family were afraid to become too attached
to you, because they were afraid that you wouldn’t have made it. Mommy needed
their support and love throughout everything, but mommy understands why they
were afraid and why they avoided, and she holds no grudge.
Mommy told daddy that she
wanted to honor her brother John, who passed away overseas in 2011 as a Marine,
in Afghanistan by including his name in your name, and that is how your name
became Lucius-John. The Matthew Xavier Blau part was because that is your daddy’s
name…. and it was a perfect, fitting name. It meant Light, God has been
Gracious, Gift of the Lord, Bright, Splendid, New House. And all that fit you.
You are and were the light at the end of our darkness. You were a gift from
God. You brought together a new house and a family, and you are so loved.
The night before your
induction… mommy and daddy didn’t get much sleep. Daddy kept tossing and
turning and mommy asked him what was wrong. He kept saying “tomorrow, my life
is going to change. I’m going to be a dad. I am nervous, and don’t even know
how to be a dad” and I encouraged him and said “I know it sounds cliché, but I
was told this years ago with Gabby. It will just click, and you’ll get it. It
will come as second nature, but also come with bumps in the road, and you’ll
just keep learning” and he smiled at me.
5am came early. Mommy and
Daddy are not morning people AT ALL. We got your sister up and dropped her off
at mommy’s best girlfriends house (Tina) for the days that she was in the
hospital. Then, mommy and daddy got on the road. Nerves were shot the entire
ride to Hillcrest because mommy and daddy had several emotions. We were
anxious. Nervous. Scared. We were excited. Pretty much every emotion possible
felt, was felt on that ride.
We got to Hillcrest at
6am, and checked into the labor and delivery suite, and they took us back to
our room which was labor and delivery room 7. Everything was uneventful. They
sent a nurse in to give me a gown, and I informed them that I had brought my
own, and they seemed confused, because I guess that is not something many
people do. Mommy had picked out a beautiful blue delivery gown she had custom
made for your birth day, and mommy also had delivery socks that were made with
it. Once they okayed the gown, because I guess it must be specific due to the
hookups, mommy got into the gown, and hooked up to all the monitors. Mommy also
gave them her birth plan and informed the nurse that there was going to be a
doula and birth photographer at some point. She asked if I had the okay for
that, and I told her yes, I did. She nodded her head. It was uneventful until
around 9am.
Mommy became hungry and
asked about food around 1030am. She was told she could only have popsicles,
juice and broth. Mommy was 4cm, 75% and - 2 station at this point, so really nothing
had changed, because mommy had been 4cm for about a month.
At 11am, the nurse came in and hooked
mommy up to the Pitocin drip. The nurse asked if mommy wanted an epidural, and
mommy told her no, because she had a presacral neurectomy done, and so she
could not feel anything, and so she wanted to see how she did without it. The
nurse looked at mommy weird and asked questions about it.
About an hour or two went
by, and mommy started having issues with the belly band. This was at around 1-2pm.
Mommy complained because it was irritating her. The nurse had come in to give
mommy her steroid dose for her Addison’s, but mommy was not letting her leave
until they did something because mommy was miserable. Of course, the nurse
offered drugs, and mommy screamed NO at her.
The nurse came in and tried placing wet rags under mommy’s belly and mommy got
frustrated and told her that she was going to rip the dang thing off, and that
they needed to figure something out because mommy was having an allergic
reaction. They eventually came in and hooked mommy up to wireless monitoring,
after persistence, because mommy was getting agitated. After they hooked mommy
up to the wireless monitor, everyone including daddy and your aunty/godmother
Felicia decided to get some rest. We slept until around 4pm, which was mommy’s
next check and she was around 5cm.
Every hour or two, the
nurse and delivering doctor came in to check mommy to see where her progress
is. Things were progressing slowly.
With every check,
progress had been made though. At 4pm’s check, I was 6cm, 90% effaced and and - 1. So
progress had been made.
At around 6:00pm, my
birth photographer showed up. I was still 6cm at that point, but still
progressing slowly. Your daddy and your aunty/godmother Felicia decided to go
get food. This allowed for other visitors. So, your aunty Jess (your daddy’s sister)
and your grammy (your dad’s mom) came up for a visit.
At 7pm, they came in and
gave mommy her second steroid dose, hoping that things would progress. They
checked mommy at this point and said that they would like to break her water
because she was 7cm. Mommy laughed, gave consent, and said “Thank you for
asking, and not just breaking it. I’d expect him to be here within 2-3 hours”,
but you had other plans.
Mommy’s water was broken at 8:00pm. While that occurred,
your aunty Jess was holding mommy’s hand. Mommy was attempting to be hooked up
to internal monitors, but your head was already there, and you were ready to be
born quickly. As a result, they were unable to give mommy her final dose of
steroids.
Things got hectic and scary quickly. The second my
water was broken, mommy felt very strong contractions. There was nothing about
the presacral neurectomy that was stopping the vaginal pain of birth. Mommy
asked for the epidural, and they told her it was too late that you were ready
to be born.
Mommy went into shock from the amount of pain she had.
Mommy told the doctors that she was seeing grey, meanwhile she remembers
hearing arguing back and forth about birth photography. Mommy told the doctors
again “I’m seeing grey. I am going to die” and mommy remembers screaming for
her mother, your grandma in Florida. Mommy doesn’t remember much after that.
Everything happened so quickly.
Mommy finally came to, and you were on her chest. You were born just shy of
seventeen minutes later. You were born weighing 6lbs 5oz and 19.25 inches long
and had a head full of hair and looked just like your daddy.
Mommy was crying because not only was she in so much
pain, but she was relieved you were here safe. Mommy was also crying because
she was happy, but she also couldn’t believe she had just given birth to you
100% natural without pain medication.
Mommy asked your aunty what happened, and she said “There
was so much blood. Look, we’re literal blood sisters now. You got blood on me”
and mommy said, “how much blood” and she said “I don’t know, there was a lot of
it. They had the crash cart and hemorrhage team outside your door on standby”
The doctors continued to try to deliver the placenta,
and mommy didn’t want them to touch her. She said to them “if you touch me
again, there will be some other issues” and so aunty and your daddy convinced
mommy to get pain medications, and mommy agreed.
They delivered the placenta and tons of blood came
with. Mommy asked to see the placenta and wanted a photo of it. We informed
them that we were banking your cord blood with Cord Blood Registry, and that we
needed to collect it. They went ahead and collected the cord blood, and mommy
just marveled at you, and couldn’t believe you were here while your daddy cut the cord.
Mommy continued to cry saying “thank you, God” and was
relieved that after 5 years of infertility treatments, she finally had you in
her arms.
It was at this point, that mommy realized “oops, we
didn’t even call my doula, Vivi to come for support, because he came so fast”
so mommy told daddy to call her and tell her the news. Vivi came to the
hospital, and held the baby, and congratulated mommy, daddy and everyone else,
and told us next time to call her when they break my water.
Mommy and Daddy were very happy and had several
emotions after you were born, and were convinced that they were going to try to
make things work in their relationship for you.
Mommy was in the hospital at Hillcrest for 2 days. In that
time, mommy had plenty of visitors.
When your sissy saw you the first time, she
said, “he looks just like Matthew” and she had some trouble bonding, but then
fell in love with you. Admittedly, she was unsure what to do with a baby that
small.
Mommy was told that she
could not breastfeed due to the
dosage of her steroids she was on to treat her Addison’s, and the meds that
were needed to treat her lupus. Mommy was devastated. This played a huge role
in mommy developing something that most mothers do, called postpartum
depression.
Mommy was sent home from the hospital on June 10th
2017, and the first night home was a bit rough. Mommy cried herself to sleep
because she “just felt weird” and couldn’t explain to daddy why. Mommy was sad
she couldn’t breastfeed because her milk came in, and she felt gross.
Mommy
remembers telling daddy “I just feel gross. I cannot explain it. I feel empty”
and daddy said, “is it because there is no baby inside anymore” and mommy just
balled. Mommy was admittedly sad, because it was the end of a 5-year journey of
loss and life, and mommy loved feeling you from the inside move, but mommy was
overjoyed that you were here with her.
Lucius-John, you are so incredibly loved by everyone.
You were not planned. You were a surprise. But you were so very much wanted and
so very much loved.
We thank God, every day, for you being here.
Who knows what the future holds, and if mommy and
daddy will be together still, but whatever it does hold, mommy knows that you
hold her in the palm of your hand forever, because you wrapped her around her
finger since you were born, and you restored her faith and hope.
Mommy hopes that daddy and she will work out, but if they
for whatever reason do not, she wants you to know that both of them love you
very much, and that you will be very lucky because you will have two families
that love you very much, and mommy wants to tell you that having a blended
family like this, is not a bad thing, it just means more love.
Mommy hopes you know, that even if daddy and mommy don’t
work out, that she hopes you will understand we both love you very much, and
she hopes that she and daddy remain friends.
Time will tell what Gods plan is here…
For now, mommy is just going to enjoy loving on you...
while you’re little, because time goes by so quick!
My Sweet Boy…
As I sit here and think about how much life has changed, I wanted to share
all things going through my mind with you. I'll try to get through it
all, and I promise to try to not cry. 
It's also louder because you squeal and giggle. A LOT. And I
LOVE IT. Seriously, one of my favorite sounds in the world. I would
take that squeal over silence any day. And you giggle. You are the
happiest baby. You smile and my whole world lights up. And in case
you haven't caught on, you are my whole world. 
Here's the thing that I can tell you about has changed the most since you
came into my life 6 months ago...there is more joy than I could have
ever imagined. 
Born: June 25th 2009
