The Lucky One.....


I realize that this blog is often filled with stuff about fertility, and family, and PCOS and doctors appointments... but this blog is titled "These Unexpected Miracles of Life" and I thought this fit right into that category...

I've been needing to write this blog or note for a while now, but just couldn't find the right words, or the right feeling to speak about everything. A friend of mine, well actually two of them told me to watch a movie by the name of "The Lucky One".

One was Bella, and the other was my friend Katrina. Both kept telling me I needed to see this movie. I kept putting it off because I was busy, and the timing just was not right. Today, I finally watched that movie, and the emotion that came out from that movie was something I never thought I would feel again. There were so many that were stuffed away... and I'm glad I did...

The movie opened up with a very intense war scene. The Marine was going in and out of conciousness, and you could hear "Aces" and a few other names being called. That Marine ended up living, but the one called "Aces" died in combat. The particular Marine ended up spending half his life looking for a woman in a photo to try to give it back to her. The Marine ended up being hired to work on her farm house, and the two ended up falling in love. It showed her son, and her ex husband, who was a Sheriff, and how they didn't really have the best past, but he was still involved in his son's life. In the end, It turns out, the woman's photo was her brother Drake, who was killed in action, and that the Marine's had crossed paths during an invasion. I won't give you the rest of the story, you will just have to watch it yourself... but the movie hit a spot with me... a spot so deep...

In a few areas... One, about how everyone cross' paths at the right time... and two... my brother John...

I don't know about you, and if you believe in fate, or God's will, or what you choose to believe in, but I believe that in life, everything happens for a reason, whether a diety of your belief is involved or not is your choice, and is irrelevant.

Everything I've gone through in my life, has made me a better, stronger person, and for some reason or another, the people I cross paths with are with me for my entire life. Even if they leave, they always come back... for one reason or another, life takes me on a path, that path involves some form of a circle.

With my brother John, I find it hard to talk about things, because I get teary eyed, and miss him. But the feeling of missing someone, or something is always there... That never goes away...

John and I met on Grunts Military Cadet Forum, years ago. His name was Drill4Life, Mine was MP_Girl. We met back when Jason and I had just met, and were still together. Back when things were rough in my life. Back before I joined the US Military and Enlisted.

A photo of Me, in my ACU's after I enlisted in the Army National Guard
If I recall correctly, it was in 2006 sometime, when he posted about needing advice. Everyone used to make fun of him for his spelling, and because he was a little bit wierd in their eyes, and often people would be telling him that he better wise up if he wanted to be a Marine. But that's all he ever wanted to be, was a Marine. He had wanted that since he was a little boy.

I don't know if it was fate, or God's will that he and I started talking, but we did, and we just got each other. I would stick up for him, and give him advice where things were needed. Even though he struggled in spelling, or maybe needed a little guidance, I knew... I knew he would be a Marine someday, and come back and show everyone he did it... 

John and I would talk for hours. Text message, Facebook, Call. One day, after I started working for an At Home Company out of Atlanta called Seeing Angels 2 By 2, through Arise Corporation, back in 2009. I offered to meet up with him at a local McDonald's since I would be up in Atlanta area anyway. He passed it off, and I remember him saying "Nah, I don't really do the whole meet up with people I meet online thing" and we continued to talk. He and I would often have in depth Christianity Talks about our walk with God. We would also talk about things like abuse and JROTC, because I was a Cadet and he was a Cadet.

He, along with everyone else on the forum who I got close to, could tell I was not happy, and I was miserable. I made some good friends along the way, who I recall, Chris (ANG1SGT) and Mike (ARNGSC21B) and kids who were Cadets like John and I were (Alex, Arnold, TJ Crennan, David Geary, Dustin Hill to name a few) Who could also clearly tell I was not happy in the relationship, but I think they admired me alot. Mostly, because after my daughter was born, I went back to try to make things work... I didn't want my family to be split apart...

One Day, John and I had a really long in depth talk about marraige and under-God. At the time, it was when Gabriella was around maybe 2 months old. Jason and I had wanted to do what was right, especially where we were not wanting to get baptized and still be unpure... So we decided we should get married... John asked me "April, you know when you get married, you are taking an oath under God right?" and I said "Yeah, of course, you know I don't believe in divorce" and he said to me "Well, me and the others *no idea what others he was referring to* think that you should think this through. You seem a bit miserable, and were worried that you might be making the wrong decision just because you have a child" and I said "Do I sound miserable to you bro? and he said, to be honest, whenever you and I talk, all you do is complain, if your so unhappy, why dont you leave" and that was when I truly started to think about things... 
Jason and I were set to marry on August 16th 2009, and an unfortunate set of events occured. My best friend Kim had taken me down to get my marraige license. She was set to be my maid of honor, along with Shelly (Yes, I was having 2 MOH's) and when we got home that day, Jason and I got into a fight, I forget over what... but we got into a fight, and he raised his hand... I remember telling my mother that Jason and I were fighting again, and it was over something stupid and he raised his hand to me... and my mom looked at me and said "does he beat you?" and I ignored the question. Jason never beat me, but he did raise his hand at me... and I was raised to not have to ever worry about a man treating me that way... Jason called our wedding off at the alter, that day, saying the reason was, he could not trust me...

Now this is where I go back to saying everything happens for a reason. Was I miserable? Yes. Was I unhappy? Sometimes, but I wanted to try to make things work. But you know that if you have no trust in the relationship, than you have no relationship. The same goes with communication.

I remember after this event occured, I really tried to make things work... I kissed Jason one night, and it just didn't feel the same... there was nothing there... and I had a conversation with a friend of mine Valerie, who told me that the moment that happened, then there was no salvaging the relationship, because the spark that kept you going was gone... I wanted to make things work, really, I did, but it just was not there... so I left...

A lot happened in 2010, which had limited discussion between John and I, but we had text messaged a lot, as it was more convienent. I remember messaging him when I was working, and he was in class. He was excited to finally be Delayed Entry in the Marines, and was working on meeting the PT Standards. I had re-brought up the idea of meeting up in Atlanta, and he laughed, and said "Well, since your mentioning it again, how about we meet at a McDonalds" and I remember laughing and saying "Really, a McDonalds? Okay... when and where" and he would text back and tell me the location... and we did meet...

In May of 2010, I ended up going to Atlanta, and I met up with John. I walked into that McDonalds, and was shy, and was also really kind of expecting to not have him show up, but John was a gentleman, when he said he would do something he meant it. He came in, sat down, and we started having a discussion. For a while, there was a bit of an awkward silence, and he said "Well are you going to say anything? or are we going to sit here in silence" It was a really nice meeting... He laughed a lot, he smiled a lot, and we spent around maybe 1-2 hours just talking. Talking about religion, talking about Cadets, talking about the Military and Jobs, talking about Grunts, talking about my daughter.... and boy, did he love my daughter... he would always ask me how she was doing... and when it was time for us to go our separate ways... he laughed, stood up, gave me a big hug, and said "Until Next Time" and did an about face, and walked out...

I kind of wish I had my camera to take photos, but that was a moment that I will never forget...  We talked for a while, and then he had something happen with his facebook deleting people... I told him to change his password, and he said he did... and then I didn't hear from him for a while...

I remember when I found out he had gone to Boot Camp, I was so mad, because his mother Carolyn had posted the address to write him on his page, and I was like "that little stinker didn't tell me he was shipping out" lol. I remember when he got back... I sent him a message telling him Congrats on the title. I knew he would proove everyone wrong... That was on September 24th 2010... and I remember I used to flirt and mess around with him a bit, we always enjoyed cracking jokes with one another... and he asked me how life was treating me, and asked about my daughter... and I sent him a "sibling" request, and he didn't get around to accepting it for a while..... but we always called each other "bro" and "sis" and he would always ask me how my daughter was, or more specifically "how is my niece doin"  and I would tell him she was doing just fine... growing and getting big, and he would say "I know, I saw the pictures"

About a week before he deployed, I remember chatting with him and how he was at LeJune, and I was going to send him a bunch of my mixes that I made, and he said to me "I would like that, it would give me something new to listen to" John always liked different rap music, and different mixes, and it was nice that he and I were able to text one another before he left. It was also nice because I could send him letters, and it would make me feel good about myself, especially where there was not too much internet access when he was training... and he deployed, on May 5th 2011, and I remember when I talked to him, I told him the famous quote I always hear every Sunday at Church... "May The Lord bless you and keep you; May The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; and May The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace." and then I said to him "Promise me you come home" and he said "I can't promise that, but I will do my best" and I said "Are you scared?" and he said "A little" and I said "What if you die over there" and he said "Than I died a hero, serving my country doing Gods will" and that was the last I heard from him for a while...

We talked about once a month after that, and I would send letters and packages. I figured once a month was better than nothing at all. He would always ask me how my daughter Gabrielle was doing. and I would ask him how A-Stan was, and he would reply "It sucks, all I do is patrols, but its over in November" and I would tell him I love him...

In August, I told him we were going to be in Atlanta for Dragon*Con and asked if he would get R+R and he said "No, I'll be over here" and I said to him "Well, we will have to grab a few drinks when you come home" and he said "Sure"

In September, I talked to him on September 24th, two days before my 22ed birthday, and he said to me "I can't promise but I will do my best to stop in for a moment to say happy birthday, but if I miss it, happy birthday" and I said "Thank you Bro keep safe" and then he said he had to go and do a mission...

That was the last I heard from John... I never got to tell him I love him again... and when I heard, it was on September 29th... through a conversation with Arnold... and I just didn't want to believe it... the rest of that week felt like a blur to me...  the things that go through your head about someone you love, never being able to talk to them again... never telling them you love them again... never hugging them, never seeing them smile... all of it gone... in an instance...

My brother John isn't biological, he isn't blood... but I loved him, as my brother, and he loved me as his sister... His mother Carolyn never knew me... but she knew my love for her son... she saw the posts I made on his wall... that week I spent my time trying to find a way to Atlanta for John's homecoming... it was important to me... and I did everything... I even went as far as sending provocotive photos to a friend who promised me to buy my ticket to see my brother... and of course, he didn't do that... and when I asked the Red Cross, the Red Cross tried, but could only provide tickets for "blood" family, and so I was torn...

All I could do was cry... Every McDonald's I walked past, or walked into, I felt like he was there, and it would remind me of him.. So I dealt with my greif by making a memorial video of him... to work through my emotions... told myself John wouldn't want to see me cry... this is where I go into detail with why I believe everything happens for a reason, and everyone has a connection...

I've always had a hard time dealing with death and losses. I feel like even through John's passing, even through my anger with God, he blessed me with a friendship, and a second mother... because John's mother Carolyn and I exchanged e-mails after that point... we prayed for one another... we talked about our lifes, shared photos, and communicated... and I told her I loved her...

And in August, I had a dream come true... We (Alex, Gabriella and I) met Carolyn in Atlanta on our last day. I had sent her an e-mail hoping she had seen it, and something told her to check her e-mail, and she told me she was glad she did. She, Alex, Gabriella and I all ate dinner, and talked that night. We had a great time. We talked about how we miss John, but that we will see him in our after life, and how he wouldn't want us to be sad, but to remember the good times, and we tried to not make a topic out of dinner on it.. And like the caring, wonderful, woman she is... She took Johns uniform out of a bag...and she gave it to me... And she said "Take this, I know the way you loved my son John, and I know he would want you to have it" and it touched me in a way I could not even speak of... and it seemed, at that moment... that time stood still, and we had a connection through my brother John, like no other... it seemed like the perfect moment in time... and all I could mutter was "Thank you"

We left that day, exchanging numbers, and telling one another we love them, and to keep in contact... and when I got home, I sent her an e-mail and told her just how much it meant to me what she did that day... 

"I am REALLY glad that we got to meet each other. I wanted to thank you for doing what you did for me with John's uniform.I am going to get a special frame to place it in, and keep it all nice. I know he took pride in his uniforms, and would want to do the same. It meant the world to me.I have lost a lot of friends, and something I don't have with them is something physical/tangible that I could touch. When I explained to you that I could never give John a hug again, and you told me that you would like me to have one of his uniforms, I got teary eyed, because now I can have that something physical... when I miss him, I have the memories... and now something tangible as well. I know it is not the same and we would much rather have him here, but I just wanted to tell you how much that meant to me.I consider you family, and if you and Andrew ever need anything, just let me know.Thank you so much for everything, and we will keep in touch."

And She Responded:

"Good to hear from you. I had just opened my computer to find out.  I also enjoyed meeting you, Gabby, and Alex.   You will always be my friend. Consider yourself family.  I know John thought a lot of you and I want to continue that friendship. You are always welcome in my home. Love, Carolyn"

In October, I sent her photos that Puzzle Piece Photography Shared, and she said

"Thank you, thank you, thank you.   I love the pictures.   I am going to choose one to print and frame for my family wall. You guys look so good and I miss you. I love you too!   You look like such a loving, wonderful family.
I am praying you always stay that way. Love,  Mama Carolyn"

And In December, I got a package for Christmas from her, and a package went out to her, with a photo and a note in it.

and I've realized through this entire ordeal, that life has a plan for all of us. If its fate, or if its Gods will; or simply a meaning, or a connection that was meant to happen... It will happen, and It did happen, you don't need to be blood to be considered family, and I've realized, I am the lucky one...  

Rest In Peace John, I love you and Miss you Forever...



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