Ramblings of a "Broken" Woman (An Update of Some Kind)

Infertility. It's many affects. Financially. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. And So Much More.

It's frustrating. Very frustrating to be told you can't have the one thing you have.

What most who don't realize that don't go through it, is it also affects relationships. It affects them in ways that most can't be worded, or understood. It tears and shatters your world in ways that just are unexplainable.

 It makes you frustrated with God & the very life you were given. It leaves you to wonder why so many children were taken away, and why so many were lost. How relationships fall, and fail at the same time. Why TRYING meant and means the world to you. So many unexplained things.

I often used to ask myself why I'm broken. If I am broken, maybe that is why guys don't want to spend their lifetime with me. If I am broken, how do I fix it? I often wondered why I wasted time on something I wanted to bad. I often found myself hating others who said "You have a child, be happy with the one you have and be grateful" because they didn't get how bad their words hurt and stung.

The simple fact is this: 
I LOST my daughter Kayleigh-Marie Faith. She was ripped away from my arms, at 23 weeks Gestational Age / 20 Weeks Pregnancy (When she stopped growing apparently)
I LOST my children. 5 miscarriages, and 1 stillborn.
I AM angry. Justifiably so.
I am 95% infertile from an HSG taken in January
INFERTILITY affected MY LIFE. MY RELATIONSHIPS.
I WATCHED it tear apart a life I put together for two years.

Alex and I separated on January 25th 2013, after an understanding that things just were not working and a mutual break up. He was miserable. He was unhappy. He wanted to be friends. He didn't want kids right now. He didn't want to watch me live in pain anymore. He didn't want to go through the pain and suffering anymore. He didn't want to watch me go through that pain. And He wanted to remain best friends.

Naturally, I was upset. I was broken. I felt like my world was falling apart. I fell in shambles... But I held no grudges towards Alex. He was my rock, and my best friend and GOD had other plans. He Always does. 

Often, I get asked why remain faithful if all these bad things happen. The answer is simple: GOD didn't make them happen. The devil did. I remain faithful because I believe, and why not? I do not blame Alex for wanting to remain best friends, and not lovers anymore.

God's plan was for me to be with another. And in February 2013, I started dating Charles... Charles and I had a lot more in common. Things were rocky at first, because I was an emotional wreck. He understood the things I went through and was going through and stood by me regardless. He also lost two children of his own, so he understood the pain I went through, but the pain didn't come out until recently.

The months of April leading into May, when Kayleigh was lost, are and were hell on earth for me. I experience dreams. Vivid ones, of me holding her. Wondering what her life is like. What she would look like. Hearing her laughter with her sister Gabriella.

I wonder what was, is and will be. And I cry. I feel alone. Angry, like no one understands what I'm going through and it seems like forever....

The reminder is there, it always is there. Infertility Week. Mother's Day... It's there... Infertility affects my life, and relationships in most ways.... and somehow I wonder... I wonder if I will ever have my second child... or my family... with children... and yet, I continue to wonder, and to trust... trust God has a plan... and always will... but somehow, I continue to feel alone... to feel broken...