Its Not That Simple...


Tonight, I am fairly emotional...
I was doing okay... I thought...
But now, not so much...

 My night started off with Alex, Me and Gabby going to the library...
Alex had to open his email to print out documents I needed for my job..
And I saw some message in his e-mail from someone from Plenty of Fish, and it hurt...
I was upset, and on the way home I was silent, and he said "Whats wrong"
He asked me multiple times, and I didn't answer...
When we got home, I said... Am I the reason you don't go on dates?
Alex replied "No... I am broke, ugly, have no car ect"
And I said... no your not...
I just don't understand?
He says to me "Dont understand what?"
I say... I don't understand what went so wrong between us...

Alex sighed, and said "Here you go with your woman logic again... I've explained time and time again that things just didn't work for us... I couldn't deal with the issues you had..."

I was upset.. I left the room, and decided I just didn't feel like going into work tonight...
I spent my night with Gabriella, we went to the fireworks, then came home and placed her in bed...
I then went in my room and cried...

The fireworks were beautiful... 
But it just felt like something was missing...
My fiancee was states away, and there were a bunch of children around me...
And all I could think of was Kayleigh...



Somehow, time passed... and it was 1am, and my fiancee and his room mate came home from their festivities...
We somehow got onto the topic of children, and fertility...
Anyone who knows me, knows that's a very hard topic, and easy for me to get heated on...

You see... 
The ONE thing I want is just ONE more child..
Then I'll be happy... I'll be complete...
But God won't allow me to conceive a child...
Nor will he allow me to know or understand when the time is right...

Somehow... we got onto the topic of the fact that his room mate's ex could not have children.
I got upset, and then said "Really, I was told that too... Has she had an HSG to show her infertility being 100% infertile?" and he looked at me funny... and then said "Well, she has not gotten a period... ever" and then I said "Nice, well, if you only knew... I take drugs to get mine... Metformin, Synthroid, Provera, Clomid... the list goes on... and guess what? If I don't take those, I don't get my period either..." and he responded with "But in this case... she wins..." and I go, whys that? And he
responds with "Because you have a child.."


REALLY? BECAUSE I HAVE A CHILD, I WIN?

The thought that ran through my head right then...
Do you even know how hard it was for me to keep that child?
Surgery... risking my own life... bedrest...
You have NO IDEA...

But because I have a child... I win...
I'm somehow less worthy of the title of INFERTILITY
Its somehow a competition of whose fertility issues are worse...

*facepalm*

I wanted to say to him just then "Until she has tried every fertility drug out there, from Clomid to Femera, Metformin, had her hormones checked, an ultrasound, an HSG, and tried IUI and IVF, don't you DARE tell me that she is 100% infertile and can never have kids... Until she has spent months tracking her BBT temps, charting her CM, and her CP, and taking OPK's and then hoping that when she POAS that she gets a BFP...  then don't tell me that because I have a kid, I'm somehow less worthy of being infertile, and that she is worse off then me... you don't know my case... and every woman's infertility is different, because every body is different...."

But I didn't.... I bit my tongue... and instead said "My child is the definition of a medical miracle..." and his response was "But you still have a kid" and I said "And that makes it better how? It doesn't take away the pain and suffering I have experienced, or the medical interventions I've had to go through with each pregnancy... I've lost 6 children..." and then he goes "So did I... I dated a girl who got pregnant, and told me a month later she had an abortion..." and I go "Well, I'm very sorry... but just because I have a kid, doesn't make it any easier... there is hope... she just has to know what she is dealing with... Doctors are not always right... "

Just then... my fiancee said something that I wanted to kiss him for...

He replies with "Alright... Alright... Lets just stop, we've all experienced losses of children, and there is no need to have a competition on who has what worse..."

And he is right... 
Infertility is not a contest...
Miscarraiges are not a contest...
Stillborns are not something to brag about...
No parent should ever have to loose a child or children they love...
Its every parents worse nightmare...
Unfortunately, its come true one too many times...

Its hard...
Wanting something so bad...
And others think that just because you have something they don't, its easier...
Its just not that simple...
If you only knew...
If only you knew the pain and suffering I live with...
The sorrow I feel...
The emptiness and pain...
The want and NEED for another child...
The urge...


Just because I have a child, does not mean that it gets easier for me...
I just finished my first Clomid cycle, to force my body to ovulate...
I have hope that maybe this will be it...
Shoot, I even planned my trip to see my fiancee when I am set to ovulate...
But I know sadly, that that hope will be crushed...
And I'll get aunt flow... and then be all sad again...
And go through this cycle all over again...
And the emptiness, and sadness...

And then...
Maybe then...
God will decide its right...
But until then, its so hard to remain hopeful...
Its so hard to remain patient...
Its so hard to keep faith...

but just because I have a child already, doesn't make the pain any easier...
I have lost a daughter, Kayleigh, on May 2 2008, at 23 weeks gestation.
One of the hardest days of my life...
I've experienced 5 miscarraiges...
I've had 1 chemical pregnancy...

It hurts... So don't you think that just because I have a child, its easier..
Think before you talk to someone who
has lived with infertility since she was 11...
think before you speak...
Put yourself in the other persons shoes...
Because, sometimes... Its not that simple...
Its not that easy...
The heartache, and pain still are there...




Hoping for something that never happens, is one of the most painful things anyone can go through in there life...

Heres to hoping that someday maybe soon, Chuck and I will be able to have a child...




1 comments:

Hannah Devillier

Wow. Reminds me of why I am so careful not to belittle other's struggles... the woman who only tries for 4 months may be in just as much pain as someone like me, who has tried for about a decade. I like to think that "God gives the greatest struggles to the strong, to keep them humble" but, boy, do I sometimes wish I was weak, if that's the case.
I love these blogs, April, keep them coming! It takes great courage to write about this subject and I applaud you

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