It Only Hurt For A Little....

Pretty rough day today...
Today... I had an ultrasound...
At the ultrasound, they could see my lining...
My lining was thick...
I asked the ultrasound tech if she could see any sign of chemical pregnancy...
On the external over the top of my stomach, she could not...
Then she did an internal... you know, where they place the probe inside you...
And she said to me while pointing at the monitor "Do you see that?" I said "Yes" and she said "that is your uterine lining" and I said "okay..." and she responded with "Do you see that little teeny tiny black circle in your uterine lining" and I said "i think so, yes..." she says to me "Thats where your baby would have developed if it had embedded, but the doctor will go over this more with you..." and she finished up by checking the blood flow to my female organs, to make sure enough blood flow was getting to and from them... 
The ultrasound technician was very nice, in fact, one of the nicest I have ever had... and because of my conditions I get ultrasounds routinely done... But I must admit, my heart sunk a little bit when she told me that. I didn't know that it was possible to see that on an ultrasound. That was where MY baby would have grown, and it killed me inside, and made me a little queasy that my body couldn't do the one thing it was supposed to do, and harbor a life for 9 months...
It hurt. I try to forget. Try to pretend. Try to move on. Try to act like it only hurt for a little, but the reality of it is, it does not. It stings... stings in a place so deep... 
So now I wait...
I wait for my uterine lining to get thick enough, and my hormones to cooperate enough for me to bleed...
Or as the doctor called it "expel" what is leftover...
I was explained that I would bleed old blood, brown and possibly black and clots, and to not be alarmed...
Oh joy... thats what I have to look forward to...
:sigh:
So for now, I wait... its a waiting game...
And part of me wishes I would just bleed already so I could get over it...
The other part of me is still in denial and shock...
Another baby lost... even if it was a very early miscarriage, or "chemical pregnancy" it still hurts... it still stings...


To make matters worse, I got home... and had people question the legitimateness of my "chemical pregnancy"
First of all, you should NEVER question someone who is experiencing a loss. That is a sure way to end a friendship.
Secondly, this wasn't just a loss, this was MY BABY. One child that I wanted ever so much.
Thirdly, if you did research yourself, you'd find that every person is different, and there is so many variations with chemical pregnancies.


So here is "proof"
This is the "proof" I provided to my place of employment...
A letterhead and signed doctor's note...





The only thing blacked out in the letter is my address, phone number and insurance.
That is for my own personal security.






3 comments:

Sonya

:'(

Roadtobecomingamommy

I would love to talk with you, i have had 3 miscarriages and Im going through testing now. I have MTHFR as well.

April Marie Driesse

Road to becoming a mommy:
Sure, shoot me an email. april.driesse@gmail.com, or if you have facebook we can talk as well on there.

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