TTC as "high risk" and Frustrations.

So, as most of you who have been following my blog are aware, I changed my Endocrinologist to an Endocrinologist at Elliot Health Systems, and he is great. I also reviewed the lab work with my PCP and she has officially diagnosed me as a diabetic, type 2. She said she wants to re-run labwork in 1 month to see where things stand. I am excited that I have a good team of doctors finally, but I am saddened with my health.

It frustrates me to no end. People always saying "Stop trying, than it will happen" Obviously, you don't know anything about PCOS or how it affects those of us TTCing. We have officially been TTC for 8 months now, and on Metformin/Riomet, and Synthroid for 5mos. If you want to "officially" count the days we have actively been trying, it is around 4-5mos. We had a few bouts where, due to my health, we took a break. But that obviously is stated in previous blogs, either way, we have been "trying" for a baby since April 2012.

So I am frustrated. It is easy when everyone around you is able to just get pregnant, and it is easy for me to pretend like I am not bothered, but some days, I cry. I breakdown, I scream, because this HAS been a VERY long journey for me.

Lets face it, I am 23. Most 23 year olds don't want to settle down, and have kids, but I have the mentality of a 30 year old, because I have wanted kids, and had them at a young age. Society today, rushes you into these things. No, I am not married, but I am in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2 years, and WE want a family. He says he has a plan to marry me, and so I trust in my heart, he will when he is ready. But sometimes, I am VERY sad. I am sad to go to baby showers for friends, sad that my friends are having babies, saddened when others ask us when we will have kids. Everyone ASSUMES Gabriella is Alex's and she might as well be, because she looks up to him as her daddy. She is cute, at the age of 3, she calls Alex her "daddy" and Jason her "dad" and she can distinguish between the two. I think it is neat, because she can still have both in her life, and understand the difference, but she also asks questions like "Why can't alex take me to the doctors" or "Why cant I go to dads house?" and it breaks my heart. 

I know I should be happy that I have Gabriella, and I am. She is my miracle baby, and she amazes me. Sometimes its a struggle, but its totally different, because for Alex, he wants to be a first time dad, and he is active in Gabriella's life, but no matter how we try to make it feel like she is his, legally, and biologically, she isn't. So for Alex and I to actually create a baby, is something that we want so badly. Alex tries to understand PCOS, but I don't think he truly understands.

I have had a LONG journey with PCOS, and there are days I want to kick PCOS to the curb, and say Get out! I want to be able to live my life, without the stress of medications daily, and be able to concieve a child without the help of doctors. I want to do what a woman's body should be able to do.

PCOS frustrates me! I was first diagnosed at the age of 11, thrown on birth control until 16 or 17, and have had a struggle since then. 

I have the type of PCOS that comes with Insulin Resistance, and Hypothyroidism. I also have the lovely Acne as apart of this, but don't have any of the hair growth, and I have several cysts on my ovaries. 

As a result of PCOS and other illness' I have had 5 miscarraiges, and 1 stillborn at 23 weeks gestation. Alot of people are like "Wow, do you actually have PCOS?" Uh... just because you can get pregnant, doesn't mean you cant have PCOS. PCOS is a metabolic, endocrine, and reproductive disorder that affects all the hormones of your body, and all the systems too. Some people have cysts, others do not. It affects everyone differently. It bothers me when people say "You should just be happy that you have a child" Uh... I am happy, but you don't understand my want for a child, because your not in my shoes.

BUT the reality is YES, I have a wonderful 3 year old daughter, that was my miracle, and she was conceived on Metformin (birth control failed, which was Lo-Orval and Non Latex Condoms, along with a lovely dosage of antibiotics and the metformin is probably what caused me to conceive her) Not planned, but wonderful to have as a blessing. 

BUT my three year old also has health issues. It is not anything I would wish on anyone. YES, She has special needs. She has Aspergers Syndrome (A type of Autism Spectrum Disorder), and she unfortunately inherited my Factor V Leiden Gene, so that puts her at a higher risk of clotting. She also has an Atrial Septal Defect, and in the future will require some form of open heart surgery to fix the hole (Docs say something like 4-6 years from now they will re-evaluate this) 

I sometimes blame myself, because she was not planned, and think that had I known right when she was conceived  I would have stopped medications that put her at risk of these things, and would have done things to prevent health problems, but I have realized, that it could be, or couldn't be, regardless, she is here, and is my daughter, and I love her regardless. 

BUT the reason why I feel we need to PLAN our pregnancy with our child is because I want to PREVENT all of these things, because the fact of the matter is I WILL REQUIRE Lovonox injections from the time of conception, more than likely will require insulin, and have other complications. I HOPE to be able to acheive my birth the way I want, not like Gabriella; but accept that I may have to modify that a bit. BUT because I AM AWARE of these things, that is why I feel I need to plan.

I am considered a "high risk" TTCer. I have an Endocrinologist, and a High Risk OBGYN. Recently, as discussed in other blogs, we switched practices, because one of our Endocrinologists was never there, and it was terribly hard to get an appointment to discuss results with her, and the high risk OBGYN we had was very... unsupportive of what we were wanting with our TTC adventure, and she kept bringing up my stillborn, and I didn't really want to discuss that.

We have been TTC for 8months now on and off (April 2012 was when my IUD was removed) We're considered "high risk" because of my history with miscarriages and my stillborn, BUT ALSO because I have a large list of medical issues. These medical issues were never thoroughly discussed in this blog, so I figure why not, I can bring them up, so you know what I am facing.

I have clotting deficiencies which affect my bodies ability to sustain the pregnancy. (Clotting Disorder and MTHFR) and I am in remission (I had acute promylocytic leukemia and fought with chemotherapy and an ATRA for months) I also have low vitamin A, B and D, along with iron so I have to take vitamins. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD, and So these health conditions in combination of what PCOS has given me, makes it fairly hard :( 

The Endocrinologist I see now is really supportive and recently told my boyfriend and I that we need to know the risks associated with TTC with a TSH of 5+. He was great, and went over the risks. We are not necessarily "trying" but still are at the moment, but the big thing is that we get my TSH back down to where it needs to be... the last thing we want is another miscarriage. 

My Primary Care Doctor is referring us to a fertility specialist in January 2013 because I had tested positive for chlamydia back in Sept f this year, and was treated, but my boyfriend of 2 years didn't have it (he was tested, and then after they swabbed, he was treated as a precaution but his results came back normal) and it was thought that if I had chlamydia for 2+ years, and didn't know it because I was not getting routine STD checks, that it could cause some issues with my tubes and "plaque" can build up and close off my tubes. She wants to order a histosonogram. It should be fairly interesting to see what the histosonogram reveals. But I am not even too sure what the difference between a fertility specialist and an endocrinologist are anyway. The Endocrinologist said we do need to see a fertility specialist. 

So, YES, TTC and Planning a pregnancy are things that I feel NEED to happen. I have come to terms and accepted it will not be an easy road, but it would be nice for me to say "Hey babe, I have a surprise for you. I'm pregnant, and we did it ourselves" and not "Hey babe, the Clomid worked, we're pregnant" if you know what I mean. 

Regardless, whenever we become pregnant, that will be the happiest moment of our lifes. :)