Peaks and Mountains

This month has been filled with lots of peaks and mountains. Stress. Emotions. Loss. Grief. Pain. Suffering. Happiness. Sorrow. You name it. The emotion was felt.

It is very hard to deal with so many emotions at one time. Especially the ones I felt regarding my Aunt Robin. It is still so very hard to deal with. August 1st 2012 will be exactly a month to the day that my aunt Robin was murdered. See Article HERE: http://www.floridatoday.com/article/20120708/CRIME/307080021/Cops-Man-likely-killed-girlfriend-self-over-breakup

Rest in Peace Aunty Robin. I love you and Miss You. Your always in my heart.
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RIP Aunty. I love you so much.

Robin Lee Ainsworth

Visit to Florida in Aug 2009. Left to Right: Aunty Robin, My Mother Rita, Me, Gabriella, 3mos old, My Nana Rita Ainsworth, and my sister Felicia.

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 Going back to the month of July...

July started off fairly emotional. I had my period and was pretty irritable. Fights with Alex, my sister, my mother. Everything was just overwhelming. Aunt Flow came to visit me from July 2ed - 5th 2012. As I was coming off of Aunt Flow, my mother was arriving at the airport with my grandmother for my sisters wedding, which was July 8th 2012.

On Friday July 6th 2012, I got a phone call from my mother. She was hysterical. It was pretty obvious what had happened. My Aunt Robin was murdered by her boyfriend Glenn, of thirty years. Aunty Robin was supposed to be arriving with my mother and grandmother for my sisters wedding. I could not comprehend that someone would do this to the person they love. I remember telling my Uncle Mike that if this was a sick joke, it was not funny.

From the week of July 6th to July 12th, I spent that feeling grieving. Feeling emotions anything from anger, hatred, wondering why, disbelief, sadness, pain, and depression. I was dealing with it by trying to pretend it did not happen. The entire family agreed that we were not going to say anything until after my sisters wedding.

At my sisters Wedding, it was a bittersweet event, because she was going to be given away to her new family and her new life. She was also 6 months pregnant, so it was bittersweet because she was starting her own life, her own family, and she was growing up. Her husband Greg asked us where Robin was, and we told him, and he and his dad decided it was best to tell her before the wedding. We told her, and she cried, but knew Aunty Robin wouldn't want her wedding day to be ruined. So she continued on, and the ceremony was beautiful.

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The second week of the month was emotional because my boyfriend Alex decided he felt unloved, and he did something very stupid. He messaged my best friend, and asked her if she would take him on a date. Little did he know she was my best friend, and sent me the entire conversation. I was so angry at him. He decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. My mother told me he would come back, and he did. He came back a day later, and told me he was stupid, wrong and made a dumb decision. We are going to relationship counseling to try to work on things. If that does not help things, than unfortunately, we have to let go, and move on, as best friends.

Because of all the stress in the first two weeks, my cycle was messed up. My chart looked Annovulatory with peaks and mountains. The peaks and mountains are typical of PCOS and generally means that I was not going to ovulate that month.

Here is my chart to date:

 

You can clearly see the peaks and mountains in this cycle. I thought I was going to get my positive on CD18, but it was really a fade-in to a positive. 

Here are my OPTK's for the month.

CD18: Fade into a positive

CD20 POSITIVE OPTK - You can clearly see the T side is darker than the C side, C is Control, T is test.

CD21: Test is lighter than the Control Line. This is called a "Fade Out"

 What does this mean? Fade-In's look like positive results, but they are work ups to ovulation. This means CD18 detected the LH Surge, than on CD20 I ovulated, and my fade-out today on 7-22-12 which is CD21, means that I am fading out, and going into luteal phase.

So Despite my Annov Cycle via Charting, I still did ovulate. This is why Charting is not 100% all the time in detecting ovulation. I am fairly regular with cycles. Last months OPTK was on CD18. I tested regularly this month. Now I get to play the waiting game and see when Aunt Flow Comes, if she comes, and when my blood work results come what those are.

Much Love and Baby Dust to all who are TTC. I am not TTC at the present time, due to health conditions and concerns, but if it happens, than I will go from there. Until that day comes, when the time is right, I will not actively try for a baby, and focus on my health.

*baby dust*

April