Surgery for Endometriosis....

So today was the big day for me... I had surgery...

I am in a lot of pain, but they did find Endometriosis.

She said that she has done whats called an "ablation" which basically should get rid of the Endometriosis...

But that because I cannot treat/supress the Endometriosis, that I have a high risk of it growing back.

She said it was on my Left and Right Uterosacral Ligaments.

Here are some photos for enjoyment...

In case you've ever wondered what your woman insides look like... 

these are also labeled...

I was officially diagnosed with Stage I Endometriosis...
I will have a follow up with Dr Tan in the new year to see how I am handling things.
As I've said, I am in a lot of pain, and I am not handling the pain well...
I think I underestimated how much you use your abdominal muscles... heh
My best friend Brian is spending the night watching me to make sure nothing happens to me post-op...
He's seriously a God Send to me...
But for now, back to sleep I go...

Consultation....

You know how on house they have a group of doctors who look over your medical history or specialize in particular areas? Today was my day to go see a "Reproductive Endocrinology Infertility Specialist" but not for the reason you may think...

This REI Specialist specializes in not only infertility, but also specializes in Endometriosis.

Today, I went to go see her. Her name is Dr. Julie Tan, and she was in Avon, Ohio. 

She seemed very nice and seemed like she knew her stuff, but I just didn't really like the fact that she pushed birth control on me knowing my medical history and the fact that I have had a DVT/PE in the past and the fact that I underwent Chemotherapy in the past, meant that Lupron was a no. Not only was Lupron a no for me, but she kept pushing it telling me to give it one month. Ultimately, I told her that my insurance would not cover it, and I would prefer instead of masking the issue, that they try to officially diagnose my condition and treat it, rather than mask it (If you think PCOS, think birth control only masks PCOS, sort of the same concept with Endometriosis, Lupron masks the Endo instead of helping it)

So basically, here is my after visit summary from today's encounter:

Consult from: Dr. Raymond April M Driesse is a 24 year old. Caucasian female  Patient has a history of PCOS and severe dysmenorrhea.  Dysmenorrhea happened since childhood.  PCOS diagnosed in 2012. Addison's disease diagnosed at age 11 on Cortef and floricef. H/o DVT/PE - Hypercoagulable. Chronic back pain see pain management. For the past year, pt c/o constant pelvic pain.  Much worse during period. H/o RPL x 6. Obstetric History  G8  P2  T0  P2  A6  TAB0  SAB6  E0  M0  L1 (This means Gestation: 8 (I have 1 living child, 1 stillborn, and 6 miscarriages, they do not count chemical pregnancies during this. P: This means Para, The Birth of Viable Babies, that is 20 weeks onward so I have Gabriella and I have my stillborn. T: This means Term. Gabriella was born 36 weeks, so she was not term, and my stillborn was at 20 weeks, so Term is 0 for me. P: This P signifies Pre-Term Births. This number is 2 for me, because my stillborn was at 20 weeks and Gabriella was 36 weeks. TAB means Theraputic Abortion, which is 0 for me, because I've never had any abortions. SAB is Spontaneous Abortions, or in my case, miscarriage. This is a fancy/offensive way of saying a woman has had a miscarriage. For me, I have had 6, and I've had 2 chemical pregnancies which were miscarriages but for whatever reason they do not count those. E means Ectopic, which for me is 0. M stands for Molar Pregnancy which for me is 0, and L stands for Living, which for me is 1) Menstrual Hx: Menarche: 7 years old Cycle length: 32-35 days Duration: 6 days Flow: heavy to light    PAST SURGICAL HISTORY Tonsillectomy Hx - 1999 D and C Diagnostic (x2) History of present illness: Characteristics of the pain are as follows: Chronicity: Onset: since she was 7 years old.  Location: suprapubic and low back pain without radiation Quality: dull and sharp Quantity: 10/10 in intensity during mense.  7/10 during intercourse Aggravating factors: none Alleviating factors: heating pad Associated symptoms: no Menarche? 7 Are you still having menstrual periods? Yes If yes: PERIOD REGULARITY: regular q 28-30 days, FLOW CHARACTERISTICS: heavy, bleed through protection and length of flow 6 days, DYSMENORRHEA: throughout menses, CYCLIC SYMPTOMS:  pelvic pain, HORMONE REPLACEMENT: Has tried Micronor, Lo-Orval and Other OCP in past. Do you pass clots? Yes April M Driesse is a 25 year old female with severe dysmenorrhea. We went over several options both surgical and medical. Patient at first interested in medical treatment with lupron but later decide to have surgery. She will contact her endocrinologist and hematologist for recommendation for treatment prior to her surgery. Since she has quite significant pelvic muscle tenderness, I recommend she starts pelvic floor PT. Order placed. R/b/a of the procedure discussed. Patient would like to proceed with surgery. I discuss with her that due to her medical problems, I think it is appropriate to try medical management first.  However, patient declines medical treatment and only interested in having surgery. Julie Tan, MD

		So basically, now we wait for a surgery date and for pre-op and all that fun stuff, I'll update when I have more... but I am really getting sick and tired of popping pain pills and living my life in pain... I just want to get rid of this Endometriosis, if that is even what I have, and then be able to improve my fertility and have a little bit less pain each month...

Unbearable Pain During My Periods...

I know... I know...
I know I said I was going on a hiatus...
and I still sort of am on a hiatus...
But I need somewhere to vent...
I'm sick of living my life in pain, and sick of being in pain all the time...

You know that feeling inside where you know that something else has to be going on?

Thats what I felt like for many years.

I've gone through so many doctors over the years who have basically blamed all my losses on my PCOS and my Hormonal Imbalances...

I felt there had to be something else going on...

PCOS Surely wasn't the only thing that was fitting my symptoms? Especially when it was being treated?

When I moved to Ohio, the first thing I did was establish care through Cleveland Clinic...

and I admit, I have a wonderful team of healthcare professionals.
I have a team of some of the best healthcare providers in the world, and I am blessed truly for that.

No more fighting with doctors to listen...

Just a wonderful team of healthcare doctors who listen and treat...

And some of the best in the world might I just state...

My OB/GYN Rocks. Her name is Colleen Raymond.

She listens to my concerns and treats me for whatever occurs.

I went to her and told her that I was in a lot of pain and I didn't think it was PCOS Related. She agreed.

I told her that I thought I might have Endometriosis, and that a few people in a support group on facebook suggested I might get checked for this and I wanted to see a specialist to determine if I did.

She referred me to a doctor named Julie Tan, but the waiting list is long... 

So now we wait... We wait to find out what is causing me so much pain....

Hiatus....

 

I have decided to take this year in 2014 and focus on myself. 

I will come back in December to update all the wonderful things I have done in 2014, but I need this year to be a year of healing.  I need to focus on me. I need to get myself well. I need to love myself before I can expect another to love me...

I promise, I'll be back to update if anything significant occurs, but right now, I need to focus on me, and focus on Gabriella.

Healing and a Letter to my Unborn...

I’m starting to heal… slowly, but it still hurts.

I feel shattered. I lost Drew, not once, but twice. I am now losing our baby.

The harsh reality is hitting me. What once was, and what once seemed to be perfect, is no longer…

It is just a shattered memory… a very distant star… a painful memory…

Two days ago, my best friend Bella gave me a challenge… and I am going to take her challenge and accept it seriously… the challenge was to take 90 days to make myself better… 90 days single. 90 days to focus on me, and build myself back up, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

90 days would be Wednesday April 16^th 2014. I look forward to seeing myself heal in this time.

I’m healing. I’m trying to get Drew out of my head. I’m giving him his space. I’m not text messaging him. I’m tempted to text message him, but I can’t.

I am avoiding triggers. I’ve joined a Co-Dependence Anonymous group. I’m going to grow spiritually in the next 90 days with God, and become closer to him. I’m going to better me.

I know it is easier said than done, but I want to be able to smile, look back, heal, and tell myself that someday, someone will love me for who I am. That I don’t need anyone. That I can love myself, and that I am happy with myself.

I’m going to take this time to heal myself, work on me. I’m going to lose weight, and get back into shape. Join a gym, spend more time with my daughter… and just enjoy life..

I may have fallen apart, but I am slowly getting back up and walking again. It stings more some days than others. It hurts more some days than others, but as the day goes on, as time goes on, Drew becomes a distant imaginary friend. Something to laugh at once upon a time. Something that is a memory and someone that is making me better… 

Because of Drew, and loosing this child, I realized I need a lot to work on me… Because of Drew, I realized that I have a lot to work on. Because of the pain Drew put me through, I realized that I need to stop being so vulnerable, and stop being so naïve. Because of Drew, I realized that taking chances often leads to crashing and burning. I need to learn not to trust and love so easily… 

I’ve accepted because of Drew that it is okay to admit needing help, and it is okay to hurt, and move on, at your own place, slowly. I realized that it is okay to sting, burn, and hurt, and that I accepted that things will never change… I accepted that I will always love him, and he will always have a tiny piece of my heart, but that I don’t think he will ever be able to have me trust him the same again, or love him again the same. I’ve accepted what is. I accepted I cannot change this, and that I have to move on, but that I am able to, and can do it. I fell apart, but I am getting back up again… and I am becoming stronger than ever… 

So I guess I owe Drew a thank you, in some ways more than other. Thank you Drew for breaking me down, hurting me in a way I didn’t think was possible to do, just so I can build myself back up again. I may not be happy with you right now, and may be upset with you right now, but it won’t always be that way…

And to my baby… Baby Dominic Andrew Doyle… I loved you more than words can say. I wanted you more than you know. And I was happy to have known you for the twelve days that I did… I am so sorry mommies body couldn’t handle carrying you… and I am so sorry that you had to leave this world so early but you brought me so much joy, and you will never be forgotten, and you will be among all your other sisters and brothers in heaven playing, watching over Gabby and Mommy, and Drew, and smiling… I am so glad that I knew you for twelve days… And may you rest and pass in peace…

Forever in my heart…

Ovulation Date: December 25^th 2013

Positive Pregnancy Test: January 5^th 2014

Confirmed Pregnancy: January 7^th 2014

Miscarriage/Death Date/Celebration of your short life: January 17^th 2014

Gone but NOT FORGOTTEN.

I LOVE YOU AND YOU WILL BE MISSED.

Much later on January 17th 2014....

I’m typing this with tears in my eyes…

I just got back from the Emergency Room… It is 11:54pm EST.

I went to Tripoint Medical Center in Concord, OH around 5pm… I informed Drew that I was cramping and it was getting worse…

Our fears were shared in that it was a miscarriage, but we were trying to remain hopeful…

Four hours went by, and it was nearing 9pm, and I was still waiting to be told what I already knew… I was beginning to get frustrated… I wish they would just tell me what was going on already…

I was being poked, prodded, and was hooked up to at least 3 IV’s. I was dehydrated and in pain. They had me on fluids, an antibiotic infusion, and an infusion for my Addison’s and a pain med. I was getting sick of just sitting and waiting… not to mention four ultrasounds? How many times do you need to get an ultrasound to confirm what was going on?

The doctor came in, and told me the news I did not want to hear… the news I had heard so many times before…

“I am so sorry, you’re loosing the baby”

Really? The last thing a woman wants to be told is that they are going to lose their baby. The exact thing they were holding onto hope for.

He continued…

“We believe the reason your miscarrying is because your Cortisol levels are through the roof high. High Cortisol and your High TSH combined with your other conditions makes life unsustainable for a pregnancy. There is no way the baby would have made it. You went nearly a month without your Addison’s medications, and you chose to move, and so it is partially your fault.”

REALLY? At this point I wanted to punch the doctor… but I was too emotional and in too much of a state of shock to react to his statement… 

The baby I had held onto… the want for another walking miracle… The want to keep Drew in my life… the hope I had… all shattered… in an instant. I couldn’t grasp it… I didn’t want to accept it… It felt like my entire world was coming down all around me.

All I wanted was to be home in my bed, wake up and be told this was a nightmare… The baby I wanted, and dreamed, was being taken from me…

Anger… questioning God… Why’s, How’s, so many unanswered questions… I just wanted to let it be done and over…

He continued …

“I am so very sorry and my condolences… “

“Your spotting now, you may start to notice within the next two weeks clotting, and excessive heavy bleeding, this is normal… follow up with your OB/GYN to ensure your body has “cleaned itself out” and that you do not need Misopropitol and an Antibiotic. Also to ensure you do not need a D&C”

“Some things are not meant to be…”

“Here are your discharge papers…”

It felt like all a dream, it really did… It felt like I was going to wake up, and the last two weeks of hell are going to be over, Drew will be lying next to me in my bed, and I’d still be happily pregnant…

I went home, and I had half a billion “Sorries” and people asking what went on. 

I felt like it was my fault, and all I could keep muttering to Drew was I was sorry. I was angry and so I told him out of anger that he could go back to his life, and he got what he wanted… and he told me that was untrue, that both of us wanted this baby, and that he being around Gabby made him realize how much he wanted children..

I made a facebook post explaining that I REALLY didn’t want to hear anymore sorries. That it didn’t change anything and that I Just wanted to be hugged and told everything would be okay…

I was angry with Drew because he didn’t stop what he was doing, and drive back to see me at the hospital. I knew he was out with his friends and was going to Strip Clubs over the weekend, and I was angry that this had more precedence over him losing his child with me.. 

I felt unloved, uncared for, and like this would tear what little bit of love I had for him away… that it would distance us…

And all I can do now is cry… Cry my heart out… because what I wanted more than anything in this world was taken from me… and it’s so unfair..