I’m starting to heal… slowly, but it still hurts.
I feel shattered. I lost Drew, not once, but twice.
I am now losing our baby.
The harsh reality is hitting me. What once was, and
what once seemed to be perfect, is no longer…
It is just a shattered memory… a very distant star…
a painful memory…
Two days ago, my best friend Bella gave me a
challenge… and I am going to take her challenge and accept it seriously… the
challenge was to take 90 days to make myself better… 90 days single. 90 days to
focus on me, and build myself back up, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
90 days would be Wednesday April 16th
2014. I look forward to seeing myself heal in this time.
I’m healing. I’m trying to get Drew out of my head.
I’m giving him his space. I’m not text messaging him. I’m tempted to text
message him, but I can’t.
I am avoiding triggers. I’ve joined a Co-Dependence
Anonymous group. I’m going to grow spiritually in the next 90 days with God,
and become closer to him. I’m going to better me.
I know it is easier said than done, but I want to be
able to smile, look back, heal, and tell myself that someday, someone will love
me for who I am. That I don’t need anyone. That I can love myself, and that I
am happy with myself.
I’m going to take this time to heal myself, work on
me. I’m going to lose weight, and get back into shape. Join a gym, spend more
time with my daughter… and just enjoy life..
I may have fallen apart, but I am slowly getting
back up and walking again. It stings more some days than others. It hurts more
some days than others, but as the day goes on, as time goes on, Drew becomes a
distant imaginary friend. Something to laugh at once upon a time. Something
that is a memory and someone that is making me better…
Because of Drew, and loosing this child, I realized
I need a lot to work on me… Because of Drew, I realized that I have a lot to
work on. Because of the pain Drew put me through, I realized that I need to
stop being so vulnerable, and stop being so naïve. Because of Drew, I realized
that taking chances often leads to crashing and burning. I need to learn not to
trust and love so easily…
I’ve accepted because of Drew that it is okay to
admit needing help, and it is okay to hurt, and move on, at your own place,
slowly. I realized that it is okay to sting, burn, and hurt, and that I
accepted that things will never change… I accepted that I will always love him,
and he will always have a tiny piece of my heart, but that I don’t think he
will ever be able to have me trust him the same again, or love him again the
same. I’ve accepted what is. I accepted I cannot change this, and that I have
to move on, but that I am able to, and can do it. I fell apart, but I am
getting back up again… and I am becoming stronger than ever…
So I guess I owe Drew a thank you, in some ways more
than other. Thank you Drew for breaking me down, hurting me in a way I didn’t
think was possible to do, just so I can build myself back up again. I may not
be happy with you right now, and may be upset with you right now, but it won’t
always be that way…
And to my baby… Baby Dominic Andrew Doyle… I loved
you more than words can say. I wanted you more than you know. And I was happy
to have known you for the twelve days that I did… I am so sorry mommies body
couldn’t handle carrying you… and I am so sorry that you had to leave this
world so early but you brought me so much joy, and you will never be forgotten,
and you will be among all your other sisters and brothers in heaven playing,
watching over Gabby and Mommy, and Drew, and smiling… I am so glad that I knew
you for twelve days… And may you rest and pass in peace…
Forever
in my heart…
Ovulation
Date: December 25th 2013
Positive
Pregnancy Test: January 5th 2014
Confirmed
Pregnancy: January 7th 2014
Miscarriage/Death
Date/Celebration of your short life: January 17th 2014
Gone
but NOT FORGOTTEN.
I
LOVE YOU AND YOU WILL BE MISSED.
Born: June 25th 2009
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