5 years...

5 years… that’s how long it’s been….

May 2ed 2008, at 02:48am

Some say it gets easier with time, but I disagree…

It was the moment my life changed forever…

The moment that I had become a mother for the first time, and a heart mom…

and the moment that very life had been ripped away…

23 weeks… You were so very small and fragile…

I can remember I was so scared to hold or touch you…

I was so afraid to love you, and to lose you…

And then you were ripped away from me…

And I ask God why?

Why take a child from someone who wants one so very much, and then give them infertility instead?

Why deal with all the battles, and repeated losses? Why can’t my body do what a normal woman’s does?

Why are children conceived by the very miracle, and then ripped and taken away from their mothers arms?

You were so precious, and are still so precious, and my heart aches from loosing you..

But I wanted you to know that Kayleigh, I still love you so much, and I am so glad you chose me to be your mommy.

I often wonder what you would look like. I often try to think of how you would act, playing with your sister Gabriella… I often think about how if you were here, how I’d braid your long hair, and tickle you until you were begging me to stop… and I wonder how I’d get through going to school, and dealing with friends, and boys…

When you grieve the loss of a child, the nightmare never really ends… time still stands still, and you still struggle… every year that passes, every year I get older… every year I still miss you, and still wonder…

I’m so sorry there was not something that could have been done to save you Kayleigh…

I love you so very much… I just hope you know that...