A Faint Line....

Still no period. The day is today to take a test. I am scared out of my mind… The Pregnancy Test was taken, and it has a very faint line. I am wondering if it is my mind playing tricks on me or not. 

The first person I told was my best friend Vincent. Then I told his mother Dawn. Then I told my friend Sherry “Sugarbear” and Robert “Tana” and asked what I should do. 

They both agreed I should re-test tomorrow, and so that is what I am going to do. Only time will tell what happens now.

I Missed My Period.....

I missed my period today. I am very scared, because Drew and I agreed that we would be better off as just “friends” so you can say we broke things off. It was really stupid and childish to be honest. 

I had been running a fever of 104, and his brother went all “crazy” on him and he felt backed into a wall and alone… I guess he felt a bit smothered too. He said he was just not happy. I don’t quite understand it, but who knows… either way, I missed my period and I am petrified… 

I have wanted a baby so badly… but I don’t want to raise a baby alone. I want to raise it with the father, as a family and he and I had sex so many times in December and during my “high risk” fertile period too. I have to wonder if my body is acting up or not, because of my Addison’s. Perhaps my period is just late. Tomorrow if it is not here, I will be taking a test to see what the results are.

Drew....

So... The Chuck thing happened...

and then, I decided that in order to move on, I needed to start dating...

and my counselor agreed....

So I created a profile on OK Cupid... and decided to see what happens...

I started talking to this guy named Drew...

He and I had a lot in common, and so we decided to go on a few dates...

and then, I ended up getting terribly ill and needing to go to the ER...

That day, he drove over to my house (he lives an hour away) and picked me up and took me to the ER

It turns out that I had a stomach bug of some kind... and because of my Addison's Disease, I ended up in an Addisons Crisis...

Later that night, Drew and I ended up making things official... we decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend...

Things were going pretty good through the month of December...

We decided to spend Christmas together, and decided to spend New Years together as well.

So... I went into the New Year with a Kiss from Drew. He had came over December 31st, so we would be able to kiss into the new year.

On January 2ed, I had a doctor’s appointment to get my medications. I remember it was snowing that day. Drew drove me to Cleveland Clinic Willoughby. I had gotten my medications for my Auto-Immune Addison’s, and I had also gotten a Pneumonia Vaccine and TDaP, and so I was a bit sore. 

On the way back, we had been going down 306 (Reynolds) and we had come to a stop, but slid because of the fresh snow, into the person in front of us, who was parked in an actual road area, outside a school. Drew's car took damage in the front bumper and the door. I remember how pissed he was because he got a ticket and the other guy did not. That taught me a valuable lesson about driving in Ohio.

We got back home to my house, and I made dinner, and we showered together, and he was telling me about how he didn't have his high school diploma. I remember we got onto that topic because we had been talking about my high school prom. Drew told me the story about his brother trying to commit suicide, and how they both dropped out, and he got his GED instead. I remember Drew got out of the shower first. 

Drew had then gotten on Skype to talk to his brother. I got out of the shower, sat in my computer chair, to game, and I was shivering. I was like "Why am I so cold? It’s not cold in my house" and then took my temperature and it was 104.5 and I told Drew I needed to lay down because I felt like my head was going to explode. He had said his brother and his family had disagreed with our relationship and backed him into a corner. He had expected me to be there for him, but because I was so sick, I could not.

I remember getting into fetal position, breathing heavy, and passing in and out of consciousness. I got up at one point and went to the freezer to place my head in it, desperately trying to get colder, because I was literally heating up alive, internally. The next morning he tried to leave, and I told him that I needed to go to the ER, so he stayed and watched Gabriella. The doctor told me that I was extremely dehydrated and this was a reaction to the vaccine. 

I got back to my house late, Drew was passed out, and I woke him. Gabby was sleeping. I asked him if we were okay, and he said "I don't know. I need to go home tomorrow" and that was it. We didn't talk, speak a word, or anything. The next morning, he packed his bags and left, and I told him "If you walk out that door, you won't come back" and he left. As he left hastily, he left his insurance card. I didn't realize it until a few days later when I was cleaning.

So I texted him and asked him if he wanted me to mail his insurance card or throw it away, and he told me to throw it away, and so I did, and that was the end of the conversation...

We really were not talking much, because he was upset and so was I...  

So I don't really know what is going to happen from here, because things were going so well, and now theyre not, and I am just one big emotional mess....

We Moved...

The cat is out of the bag...

I did indeed move from Manchester, NH to Mentor-on-the-Lake, Ohio on November 4th 2013.

The reasons we chose to move:

1. Cheaper cost of living

2. Better healthcare

3. New Experiences

4. Better schooling

5. Friends in the area

6.  Schooling

So we moved... and its been a rough one, especially after everything that has happened with the Chuck thing.. but I figured I'd at-least post explaining that we had indeed moved...

Updates... Updates...

So it has been a few weeks since I've blogged, and figured I would update some stuff on here so that it is less confusing in my journey.

When I last blogged, Chuck and I were going to be getting "married"

We were not going to be legally getting married, because he was still married legally to his ex Jeannette but we were going to have a promissory ceremony, where he would officially propose to me, and where we vowed to remain faithful to each other, and we also had a getaway, much like a honeymoon...

And we did indeed tell everyone we were married...

It caused quite the uproar on facebook (LOL)

Well, that did indeed happen, and it was an amazing time in my life... in our life...

And that day was probably one of the most memorable in my life... 

And we did have an AMAZING getaway...

We went to Bellemere Suites in Perrysburg, Ohio, and we had a very romantic time...

We danced under the stars in moonlight, we watched a sunrise, a sunset, shared a couple shower together, we had intimate moments by a fireplace, in a hot tub, and an in suite pool in our room, and we enjoyed time at Calahari as well... and it was AMAZING, but then reality hit...

The Reality is...

Chuck has gone away... and he won't be back for a long while...
This was something we both had to face... together...

It tore our relationship apart in many ways, and had me questioning and affected trust...

He was involved in a case of a minor claiming he touched her and in Ohio, it is their word against yours, they do not require proof.

He took a plea bargain on October 1st for a plea of guilty to rape and gross sexual imposition... he does not have the child specification and does not have the sexually violent predator specification as the others in the case do. He felt he had no chance, and stopped looking at the entire situation and fighting it, and looked at time and a chance of a life again... 

Sentencing occurred on October 30th, and he was sentenced to 11 years mandatory, 16 years max, and has to register as a Tier 3 Sex Offender. He claims he will be appealing this, but only time will tell what is going to truly happen.

Regardless of what happened, I have to do what is best for my daughter and I.

And so, I had to let him go... romantically...

I told him that I would always still love him, that would never change, and I would do what I could to try to support him on the outside, but that I had to move on with my life too...

And that is what happened...

I moved on with my life...

And in doing so, I felt myself have much more sanity back...

Much more peace of mind...

Much more clear thinking...

Much more happier...

So that's my update right now...

There will surely be more...

One More Try....

Okay, I know, I know... We said we werent going to "try" again, but weren't going to prevent either.

My fiancee & I decided that we were going to give Clomid Round #3 one more try.

So I started Clomid 150mg yesterday, on CD3.

That in itself was interesting...

I didn't really have side effects from 50mg or 100mg. With 150mg I felt naseated and had a terrible headache. That could have been from my Metformin, or could have been from my Clomid, or lack of eating, who knows. I have a terrible habit of taking medications on an empty stomach.

Getting the Clomid was TERRIBLY hard to do. It could have been easier, if doctors and nurses were not so gosh darn incompetant. So basically, on CD2, my day goes like this...

Argue with the Doctor to give me 150mg of Clomid... send it over to Walmart...

She sent it to Walmart but the RN who put the order in sent over 50mg.

I was expecting to get there, and have 150mg be ready... of course not...

I ask them to pick up the medication, they say its 50mg. I say to the pharmacist (who was VERY rude mind you) that it was supposed to be 150mg, that if he looked at the records, 2 months ago was 50mg, last month was 100mg, and if those didn't work, why would he put me at 50mg again? He said "thats the doctor who submitted it, sorry. We cant just give you 150mg" I said "thats fine, I will get on the phone with the on call doctor to have it fixed"

So I call into my doctors office. Its at 5pm. Regular OBGYN not available.

I get an "after hours" secretary who has to send the message over to the on-call OBGYN.

I get a phone call 45 minutes later from the on-call OBGYN who says she read Dr. Shay's notes, and I am correct, and she doesn't know why the RN submitted it for 50mg, when the 50mg and 100mg didnt work. 

I had her on my cell phone mind you, and my cell phone was at 10% power... and I had already missed the bus, so I had to call a cab... I asked the Pharmacist if she could take the phone call from my cell, and she said "The doctor has to call us" I said "she just said she did, but your phones ring and ring"

Then at this point, the head pharmacist comes out, and he goes "I am going to put a stop to this right now before this gets ugly. You see we have only a few staff working. She needs to call the phone # for pharmacy and she needs to wait. I have a doctor on hold presently and its going to be 4-5 minutes. You need to just be patient ma'am" and I was like "Grrr, okay..."

So to make a long story short, by the time my Clomid 150mg was picked up on CD2, and I got home, it was nearly 7pm, and I had to work 8pm to 1am that night. I was frustrated because I was tired and still had to pack and I had terrible AF Cramps, and had to still pack for my trip to Cleveland to see my fiancee.

Speaking of which....

Fiancee & I will be seeing each other from CD3 to CD14. So I am *hoping* Maybe to ovulate within that time period and have a chance of getting pregnant... 

Mostly, because We're getting MARRIED on Sunday! Ahhh, So nervous! haha. We're going away to a special honeymoon suite. It has a In Suite Pool, Couple Shower & Jacuzzi, and its going to have candle light, and aromatherapy, flowers on the bed, in the shape of a heart, dinner for two at an Italian Restaurant, and it has a relaxing fireplace. Wednesday, we're going to an AMAZING water park, and its indoor, and its called Calahari's Water Resourt. Its going to be amazing...

So I am excited, but I am trying to be optimistic that 150mg Clomid will work this cycle. After all, the 50mg did work, I got pregnant, and had a chemical, but If it doesn't than maybe I do need to wait a bit, and maybe I need a specialist in the area of Reproductive Endocrinology. I know I am deficient in progesterone, and I know I will likely need PIO Shots, and Lovonox during pregnancy. If Clomid doesn't work, I am told the next step would be Femera, and then Trigger Shots, and then IUI, IVF ect. So I am hopeful that between one of these, I shall get my miracle rainbow baby...

So thats pretty much it. I will post LOADS of photos from honeymoon, and the wedding and the suite ect. 

October is....

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October is, and always will be a very emotional month for us. It is the month that we remember our children who were lost. It is the month we break the silence and let people know it is okay to talk about miscarriages, stillbirths, child losses. It is the month we too share with CarlyMarie in our journey in grieving our child(ren) like so many others...

This October, I will be remembering MY babies. OUR babies. OUR precious children, who are no longer with us. This October, I Grieve, and I remember...

If you know me personally, you also know that the most recent loss hit me hard, being that it was with my fiancee, and could have easily been prevented with progesterone and lovonox, which the doctors refused to provide me with. 

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I would be just over 13 weeks pregnant, and entering second trimester right now. But I'm not, and it hurts. And it is something that I still struggle to come to terms with and deal with each day. 

Most people find the topic of pregnancy and infant loss a hard one to talk about. Lord knows, I struggle talking about it because of my emotions, but I want to take the time to say to anyone struggling with this, that it is okay to talk about how you feel, and to miss your babie(s) and you can find some amazing support groups that will help you through. And believe me, I understand... I get it. Because I've been there...

I also want to just take the time to please be kind and thoughtful to those that have lost their babies whether that loss was tangible to you or not. Any loss is a tangible loss to a mother who has lost their child as a result of miscarriage, pregnancy, still-birth, infant loss, and childhood loss. 

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I'm not here to tell you it is an easy thing to get through... The reality is that you will grieve forever. Death never gets easier. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a family member, a child or a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to. Two years doesn't mean it gets easier, almost like 5 years doesn't make it easier. It doesn't matter if it occurred a lifetime ago, or yesterday, what matters is it hurt, it hurts, and still does hurt. It will always hurt, and its not something one can just forget about.

You don’t get over it, you just get through it. Your don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn't ‘get better,’ It just gets different. Everyday grief puts on a new face

My point is... It hurts, and it always will... and its an open wound still healing... but you have to allow yourself to grieve... cry... hurt... feel...

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Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn child. But this is not just a statistic. This is a life and a death.

It my belief that life begins at conception—that is, the fertilization of the ovum by the sperm. God knows the name and age of each person from their mother’s womb.

We must therefore recognize that pregnancy loss—miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or stillbirth—all result in the death of a human being, a baby, a Child of God. Parents who were anticipating life are now confronted with death. These deaths result in millions of parents and families grieving.

In 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month throughout the United States noting that, “National Observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members on work to prevent causes of these problems….”

Subsequently, the resolution to declare October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day passed the United States House of Representatives on September 28, 2006. 

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, it is suggested by many bereavement groups that grieving parents light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zones to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to pregnancy and infant loss. 

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