It was there... Then it wasn't....

I knew you for just a moment...

And I loved you, in that instance with all my heart...

And I wanted you more than you'll ever know...

And I loved you, from within...

and now your gone...

Life... and its very existence...

Ripped away, in an instance... just like that...

Today, I took a pregnancy test...

To my surprise, it was positive...

Hours after feeling excited, giddy, and having others see the line...

My hopes were crushed...

I went to the lab...

And they did a pregnancy HCG Beta Quan and Qual...

Waited 3 hours...

And the result?

NEGATIVE, LESS THAN 5.

How cruel life really is...

How selfish, how unkind...

Even if I was pregnant...

Even if it was a chemical pregnancy...

Even if it was neither...

It still hurts...

I feel broken...

Lost...

Like my body can't do the one thing it was supposed to do...

It hurts me, but it hurts my fiance too...

The one person I didn't want to hurt...

And we hurt together...

And it sucks...

I don't understand why its so hard for me to simply get pregnant...

I just don't get it...

So for now, I cry...

And I try to hold onto hope...

Something I know that exists...

Its cruel, but it is what it is, I suppose...

And so now, I grieve...

And try to hold onto hope...

That maybe someday, I will be blessed...

And to my child... I am so sorry that mommy couldn't hold you in...

Or hold onto you longer...

But I guess if I was pregnant, God had other plans for you...

This is the harsh reality I face and live in...

I AM:

1 in 100 for Repeat Loss

1 in 10 for Infertility

1 in 8 for PCOS

1 in 4 for Miscarriage

1 in 2 for MTHFR

And this is the battle I face...

And it sucks...