| These Unexpected Miracles Of Life

We Moved...

The cat is out of the bag...

I did indeed move from Manchester, NH to Mentor-on-the-Lake, Ohio on November 4th 2013.

The reasons we chose to move:

1. Cheaper cost of living

2. Better healthcare

3. New Experiences

4. Better schooling

5. Friends in the area

6. Schooling

So we moved... and its been a rough one, especially after everything that has happened with the Chuck thing.. but I figured I'd at-least post explaining that we had indeed moved...

Updates... Updates...

So it has been a few weeks since I've blogged, and figured I would update some stuff on here so that it is less confusing in my journey.

When I last blogged, Chuck and I were going to be getting "married"

We were not going to be legally getting married, because he was still married legally to his ex Jeannette but we were going to have a promissory ceremony, where he would officially propose to me, and where we vowed to remain faithful to each other, and we also had a getaway, much like a honeymoon...

And we did indeed tell everyone we were married...

It caused quite the uproar on facebook (LOL)

Well, that did indeed happen, and it was an amazing time in my life... in our life...

And that day was probably one of the most memorable in my life...

And we did have an AMAZING getaway...

We went to Bellemere Suites in Perrysburg, Ohio, and we had a very romantic time...

We danced under the stars in moonlight, we watched a sunrise, a sunset, shared a couple shower together, we had intimate moments by a fireplace, in a hot tub, and an in suite pool in our room, and we enjoyed time at Calahari as well... and it was AMAZING, but then reality hit...

The Reality is...

Chuck has gone away... and he won't be back for a long while...
This was something we both had to face... together...

It tore our relationship apart in many ways, and had me questioning and affected trust...

He was involved in a case of a minor claiming he touched her and in Ohio, it is their word against yours, they do not require proof.

He took a plea bargain on October 1st for a plea of guilty to rape and gross sexual imposition... he does not have the child specification and does not have the sexually violent predator specification as the others in the case do. He felt he had no chance, and stopped looking at the entire situation and fighting it, and looked at time and a chance of a life again...

Sentencing occurred on October 30th, and he was sentenced to 11 years mandatory, 16 years max, and has to register as a Tier 3 Sex Offender. He claims he will be appealing this, but only time will tell what is going to truly happen.

Regardless of what happened, I have to do what is best for my daughter and I.

And so, I had to let him go... romantically...

I told him that I would always still love him, that would never change, and I would do what I could to try to support him on the outside, but that I had to move on with my life too...

And that is what happened...

I moved on with my life...

And in doing so, I felt myself have much more sanity back...

Much more peace of mind...

Much more clear thinking...

Much more happier...

So that's my update right now...

There will surely be more...

One More Try....

Okay, I know, I know... We said we werent going to "try" again, but weren't going to prevent either.

My fiancee & I decided that we were going to give Clomid Round #3 one more try.

So I started Clomid 150mg yesterday, on CD3.

That in itself was interesting...

I didn't really have side effects from 50mg or 100mg. With 150mg I felt naseated and had a terrible headache. That could have been from my Metformin, or could have been from my Clomid, or lack of eating, who knows. I have a terrible habit of taking medications on an empty stomach.

Getting the Clomid was TERRIBLY hard to do. It could have been easier, if doctors and nurses were not so gosh darn incompetant. So basically, on CD2, my day goes like this...

Argue with the Doctor to give me 150mg of Clomid... send it over to Walmart...

She sent it to Walmart but the RN who put the order in sent over 50mg.

I was expecting to get there, and have 150mg be ready... of course not...

I ask them to pick up the medication, they say its 50mg. I say to the pharmacist (who was VERY rude mind you) that it was supposed to be 150mg, that if he looked at the records, 2 months ago was 50mg, last month was 100mg, and if those didn't work, why would he put me at 50mg again? He said "thats the doctor who submitted it, sorry. We cant just give you 150mg" I said "thats fine, I will get on the phone with the on call doctor to have it fixed"

So I call into my doctors office. Its at 5pm. Regular OBGYN not available.

I get an "after hours" secretary who has to send the message over to the on-call OBGYN.

I get a phone call 45 minutes later from the on-call OBGYN who says she read Dr. Shay's notes, and I am correct, and she doesn't know why the RN submitted it for 50mg, when the 50mg and 100mg didnt work.

I had her on my cell phone mind you, and my cell phone was at 10% power... and I had already missed the bus, so I had to call a cab... I asked the Pharmacist if she could take the phone call from my cell, and she said "The doctor has to call us" I said "she just said she did, but your phones ring and ring"

Then at this point, the head pharmacist comes out, and he goes "I am going to put a stop to this right now before this gets ugly. You see we have only a few staff working. She needs to call the phone # for pharmacy and she needs to wait. I have a doctor on hold presently and its going to be 4-5 minutes. You need to just be patient ma'am" and I was like "Grrr, okay..."

So to make a long story short, by the time my Clomid 150mg was picked up on CD2, and I got home, it was nearly 7pm, and I had to work 8pm to 1am that night. I was frustrated because I was tired and still had to pack and I had terrible AF Cramps, and had to still pack for my trip to Cleveland to see my fiancee.

Speaking of which....

Fiancee & I will be seeing each other from CD3 to CD14. So I am *hoping* Maybe to ovulate within that time period and have a chance of getting pregnant...

Mostly, because We're getting MARRIED on Sunday! Ahhh, So nervous! haha. We're going away to a special honeymoon suite. It has a In Suite Pool, Couple Shower & Jacuzzi, and its going to have candle light, and aromatherapy, flowers on the bed, in the shape of a heart, dinner for two at an Italian Restaurant, and it has a relaxing fireplace. Wednesday, we're going to an AMAZING water park, and its indoor, and its called Calahari's Water Resourt. Its going to be amazing...

So I am excited, but I am trying to be optimistic that 150mg Clomid will work this cycle. After all, the 50mg did work, I got pregnant, and had a chemical, but If it doesn't than maybe I do need to wait a bit, and maybe I need a specialist in the area of Reproductive Endocrinology. I know I am deficient in progesterone, and I know I will likely need PIO Shots, and Lovonox during pregnancy. If Clomid doesn't work, I am told the next step would be Femera, and then Trigger Shots, and then IUI, IVF ect. So I am hopeful that between one of these, I shall get my miracle rainbow baby...

So thats pretty much it. I will post LOADS of photos from honeymoon, and the wedding and the suite ect.

October is....

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October is, and always will be a very emotional month for us. It is the month that we remember our children who were lost. It is the month we break the silence and let people know it is okay to talk about miscarriages, stillbirths, child losses. It is the month we too share with CarlyMarie in our journey in grieving our child(ren) like so many others...

This October, I will be remembering MY babies. OUR babies. OUR precious children, who are no longer with us. This October, I Grieve, and I remember...

If you know me personally, you also know that the most recent loss hit me hard, being that it was with my fiancee, and could have easily been prevented with progesterone and lovonox, which the doctors refused to provide me with.

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I would be just over 13 weeks pregnant, and entering second trimester right now. But I'm not, and it hurts. And it is something that I still struggle to come to terms with and deal with each day.

Most people find the topic of pregnancy and infant loss a hard one to talk about. Lord knows, I struggle talking about it because of my emotions, but I want to take the time to say to anyone struggling with this, that it is okay to talk about how you feel, and to miss your babie(s) and you can find some amazing support groups that will help you through. And believe me, I understand... I get it. Because I've been there...

I also want to just take the time to please be kind and thoughtful to those that have lost their babies whether that loss was tangible to you or not. Any loss is a tangible loss to a mother who has lost their child as a result of miscarriage, pregnancy, still-birth, infant loss, and childhood loss.

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I'm not here to tell you it is an easy thing to get through... The reality is that you will grieve forever. Death never gets easier. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a family member, a child or a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to. Two years doesn't mean it gets easier, almost like 5 years doesn't make it easier. It doesn't matter if it occurred a lifetime ago, or yesterday, what matters is it hurt, it hurts, and still does hurt. It will always hurt, and its not something one can just forget about.

You don’t get over it, you just get through it. Your don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn't ‘get better,’ It just gets different. Everyday grief puts on a new face

My point is... It hurts, and it always will... and its an open wound still healing... but you have to allow yourself to grieve... cry... hurt... feel...

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Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn child. But this is not just a statistic. This is a life and a death.

It my belief that life begins at conception—that is, the fertilization of the ovum by the sperm. God knows the name and age of each person from their mother’s womb.

We must therefore recognize that pregnancy loss—miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or stillbirth—all result in the death of a human being, a baby, a Child of God. Parents who were anticipating life are now confronted with death. These deaths result in millions of parents and families grieving.

In 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month throughout the United States noting that, “National Observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members on work to prevent causes of these problems….”

Subsequently, the resolution to declare October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day passed the United States House of Representatives on September 28, 2006.

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, it is suggested by many bereavement groups that grieving parents light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zones to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to pregnancy and infant loss.

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Where do we go from here?

So, on my last post, which was 9-11-2013, I talked about my relocating to Ohio, and talked about my round #2 of Clomid...

Yeah, that Clomid round failed... I didn't ovulate...

So where does that take us now?

We have the choice of one more cycle, or we can save for IUI or IVF...

With everything my fiancee and I are going through, and with having to save for our wedding, we have decided that we will have to hold off a bit on "TTC" now that doesn't mean we won't be having sex, but that means we won't be actively going "Oh we have to do this and this and this and this" because its bad for the stress...

We also decided that were just going to have fun with it... because for a long time, its been "lets have sex and make a baby" for lack of better words...

So. the big question is where does that leave us now with this blog?

I will still post updates regularly. About my health, PCOS, MTHFR, ect. ect. but I won't be focusing on TTC as much. I will still chart, but no more Clomid cycles, or fertility treatments...

So, I'll still be around :)

A New Beginning, A New Cycle...

So last month was not our best, we will admit that.

We ended July & Early August with Devastating News that we lost our baby.

We were told to wait 1 cycle before resuming Clomid.

If you recall, June 27-July 1st, we had our first round of Clomid 50mg.

I had a vacation to Cleveland from July 5-15th which was planned around time of ovulation.

I also had my vacation to Disney from July 24-July 30th.

It was a nice getaway...

I had a few signs and symptoms of pregnancy, and struggled with doctors, namely OBGYN to give me progesterone despite me being deficient in it. I also struggled to have a Hematologist give me Lovonox.

I strongly and firmly believe that if I had progesterone, I would still be pregnant.

I also believe that if I had Lovonox, I would still be pregnant.

It bothers me that I lost my child, but what can I do?

Time heals all wounds, and I'm not willing to give up.

I may get angry and say "If I experience another miscarriage, I'm getting my female organs removed" but that's just hormones talking. Thats grief, and frustration talking. Something I've wanted for almost 2 years now, is so hard to get, and its frustrating.

But... I don't give up... I have hope, because that is all that I can cling onto...

So one cycle has gone by, and Aunt Flow graced me with her timely presence this month.

I start my 100mg of Clomid Cycle 5-9, which is Friday 9-13 to Wednesday 9-18.

We're trying really hard to get a visit planned for my birthday this month, around time of ovulation, possibly September 20th-25th, but we shall see how that goes.

I'm taking my time healing, by making myself feel and look beautiful. I am cutting my hair to shoulder length. I am highlighting it, and I am getting a boudoir session done to make myself feel and look good, and to get something to give my wonderfully amazing fiancee, who has been nothing but supportive of me.

I got recent labs done, and things look... interesting.

I meet with my Endocrinologist on 9-16 and 9-23 to discuss these.

My TSH has still been struggling, and my liver enzymes are elevated.

I plan to discuss getting a liver ultrasound to see what is causing the issues with my elevated liver enzymes, because my CRP has also been elevated. I know that with Insulin Resistance, Obesity, and Hashimotos, as well as Diabetes that I am at risk of non alcoholic fatty liver disease, but my grandfather died from liver disease, and so I figure that I'd rather be safe than sorry.

I am also going to discuss switching my Synthroid to WP Thyroid, because its clearly not helping. I am also going to be discussing Adrenal Fatigue or issues with my Adrenal glands with my Endocrinologist, because my AM Cortisol was low. My ACTH was normal, but low, and my PM Cortisol was normal, but high. I match almost ALL the symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue, but need to rule out Addisons Disease. Hormonal issues SUCK! I suppose I should be used to them by now though with PCOS huh?

I'm still working on loosing weight. We're going to be looking to get our YMCA Membership back. We placed it on hold on May 18th, but now have to speak to the membership director to see about reinstating it.

But the good news is I am down 4 pant sizes! I can fit into size 20W now, and I was 24W. Not sure where the weight is coming off, but um... I need to work harder to shed pounds, so until then, I will be working on weight loss at home with exercises and such to try to loose weight while we are waiting.

I have been busy with finding apartments. I am settled on an apartment called Windsor Place in Mentor on the Lake, Ohio. We have as a back up, Lakeway Woods, which is another great complex.

Moving date is November 3-4th which makes me nervous, but excited. We have conquered long distance, and made things work!

We also agreed on some things, when discussing them, but would need to sit down and discuss and finalize them more. We picked our wedding date for September 20th 2014.

We also decided that if we can not find a provider willing to do a water birth because of my "high risk" that we would be willing to labor at home, unassisted, and deliver, with the assistance of a midwife, and support team, BUT that the baby would get medical attention following birth, which is okay by me! We also agreed that if it is found too risky, due to something going on with the baby in utero, that we would compromise, do a hospital birth, as long as its 100% natural, and they have water tubs for relaxation. So we got somewhere... Now just to tackle the circumcision issue, because that's something that he and I did not agree upon, because of difference in opinions... I don't want our child circumsized, but he does, due to religious and cleanliness reasons... but we will tackle that debate another time...

We did also plan out that if Clomid doesn't work after 3 cycles, I would get an ultrasound to evaluate my uterine lining. I also agreed to re-do my HSG and HSG Sono, and then try Femera. He is okay with undergoing fertility testing as well, and we plan to do a Genetic Test called Counsyl to see what risks we could carry to hand down to our children, or future children...

I think the big thing is getting progesterone, and so I am going to show my doctor that my progesterone was low, and hopefully get some progesterone. I also feel that if Clomid and Femera don't work after 6 cycles total, that we should look at IUI with trigger shots, and then if not pregnant by 2015, we would look at IVF. He agreed with this plan...

So thats pretty much it...

Hoping that Clomid 100mg works this time.

Hurt...

I am hurt.

I am stuck facing reality.

A reality so cold, and so gloomy.

That reality is that I may never be able to have another child.

And it hurts.

And I have every right to hurt.

Sure, it may not be the right time, but you have to understand....

You have to understand how badly I want another child...

And until you can accept that it is something I want, than unfortunately, you won't be considered a "friend"

You see, true friends are there when people need them...

True friends don't judge, true friends leave a shoulder to cry on...

And it hurts because you weren't there...

You instead said mean things... and it hurt ten times worse.

The reality is, that I had a chemical pregnancy.

The reality is that it hurt.

The reality is that it IS my child, that I lost.

Whether 2 weeks, or 22 weeks, or even 40 weeks, the loss of a child is never easy

And you can say whatever you want to say about how at 5 weeks along it doesn't have a heartbeat

And you can try to bring me down, but it only hurts me worse.

I've had 5 miscarriages. 2 chemical pregnancies. 1 stillborn.

8 babies lost.

I've tried Clomid, Metformin, Even Natural Supplements, and I'm doing EVERYTHING I am supposed to, but I can't control my genetics.

I can only manage my genetics.

and I have been, but you judge.

You judge over yourself being jealous.

Why are you jealous? You have babies of your own.

You never had to go through what I had to go through.

I'm pretty much given up with keeping hope that someday it will happen.

I'm starting to be more realistic and looking at In-Vitro.

It is very costly, but it can give me that second child I want.

And my fiancee is trying his best to be there for me.

Sure, we have only been together 6 months, some may judge us, but I really don't care.

What we decide together, is OUR decision and you either support us or you don't.

But it still WILL hurt...

I'm trying to pretend, and forget it didn't happen to begin with

But I still hurt...

Because today is the new start to a new cycle.

Today, my body chose to shed the lining which contains the baby that would have grown inside of me.

It started as clots. Then it became an old, heavy, brown, gross flow.

Each month, you see, I am stuck living with the pain, that my body can't do the one thing its meant to do.

And I have every right to hurt.

And you can either be there for me, and help me along in the process, make me laugh, and brighten my day, or you can kindly see your way out of my life.

Because I have EVERY right to hurt.

These are the type of messages I got in my inbox on Thursday and Friday:

That was only one of them.

I don't deal well with negativity when I am hurting.

I deleted her because she was commenting on about how my fiance and I have only been together for 6 months and how dare we try for a baby... on a status that said I lost my child as a result of a chemical pregnancy and my ultrasound was a very emotional one I had gone through...

Her negative comments continued when all I was looking for was support.

The fact is, I got those positives, and then BOOM negative...

And it KILLED me.

Now to clear things up:

First of all, I never once said my daughter was a Clomid baby.

Sure, I may have altered the truth, told a little white lie to the OBGYN to get the Clomid, because like with progesterone, she wouldn't have given it to me if I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear, but still. I NEVER said Gabriella was a Clomid baby, nor did I ever say she was all natural.

Gabriella was a Metformin-Synthroid-NonLatexCondom-Withdrawal-BirthControl-Antidepressant-Antibiotic "oops" baby, and she was the best "oops" I ever got.

I love her more than anything else in this world.

Secondly, Alpine DID offer me $10 an hour to stay with them, BUT I declined. What company would you choose? A company that offers benefits, hires out of the state your moving to, has the hours you want, and better pay, OR a company that doesn't hire where your moving to, pays less, and has no benefit options? I choose option A... and because I chose the company I am with now, over Alpine, they tried everything to keep me to stay. They offered $10 an hour, they offered full time hours, even made me feel guilty a bit... but I chose Sutherland, and that is the company I chose to remain with, and I don't regret it.

Tough lucky, I got offered better pay than you did? JEALOUS!

For the record, I have indeed known my fiancee for around 3 years, that is not a lie. He and I originally talked, as well as his brother on the radio station we met on, which was Blade Radio. Almost 3 years ago.

He and I were friends, and he was married at that point, and we had no intention of getting together.

But life happens... and its now 2013... and we got together after he went through his separation and divorce process and we got engaged and were happy, and so everything else is irrelevant...

Sure, we have had some bumps in the road in the 6 months we've been together

But We're both VERY happy and in love, and we've made it work.

So please, next time your going to jump to an assumption, make sure you have your freaking facts straight...