Dealing With Grief... And Dealing Properly...

I was contacted by a woman today who has angel babies in heaven. Upset, distraught  An incident she never thought she would have to deal with in her life became reality... Several comments were made of what seemed to be threats, but I knew I was wrong. I felt remorse. Guilt. The photo I had been using on my blog was hers, not mine. I used the photo because it reminded me of my dear Kayleigh and looked so much eerily like her. But I didn't realize what that would do to another mother, and did not realize the feelings and emotions that would go through that mother's mind. Lawsuits. Legalities. Things I didn't want to deal with over dealing with something that seemed so harmless.

It ended up with a hospital check-up. Don't worry, I am fine... well, okay, maybe not mentally.. I suffered from an anxiety-ridden panic attack. I was given some anxiety pills to calm down, and was told "You need to start dealing with your grief  you can't stuff it inside and pretend like it never happened, otherwise it will eat you up" Crying... I realized that the doctor and psychologist were right.

My angel, Kayleigh, passed away in May 2008. She was 23 weeks gestation. The one photo I had of her, lost forever. I never really cried about her. The mind has a weird way of dealing with trauma. I focused more on the shock and the why and the how of why these losses were occurring. Let's face it... anyone who finds out their pregnant as late as I did, and then looses their child a few weeks later, really doesn't have the time to properly deal with things.

I wasn't really trying for another child. I never went to counseling. I was in an abusive relationship. Things were not the best they should have been in 2008. I became astrayed, from my at the time fiancee, and I planned to leave.

Deep in my heart, I was so stuck on having another child. Even though I was planning on leaving, I continued to do the deed. We weren't planning, but I wanted to fill a hole - a void. I wanted to have that loss removed, and thought by having another child, I would fill that loss.

When I found out I was pregnant with Gabriella it was the day after Thanksgiving in 2008 (I believe the date was November 20th 2008). I didn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. I was in denial. I left to go home December 4th 2008. From December 4th 2008 until my first ultrasound which was on 12/17/2008, I didn't accept it. Even after my first ultrasound, I was in denial. It took me until at least the middle to end of second trimester to accept it. I didn't feel her move until right around maybe the 19-20 week mark. I remember that when I started to feel her move, I really believed it, and reality set in that I was carrying a child. Unfortunately  at the 20 week mark, I found out that she had congenital heart defects as well, and my heart sunk. I moved back to Florida from NH, and struggled finding adequate care. My pregnancy was not the "ordinary" pregnancy either.

Again, because of everything going on, I never really dealt with the loss of my daughter Kayleigh. Following Gabriella's birth, it is uncertain as to whether or not I suffered post-partnum depression. I was still in an abusive relationship with her father, I was working two jobs, and going to college, along with taking care of a baby. I had issues breastfeeding, and dealing with health issues myself after delivery and post-partnum was not easy. A concerned relative filed a complaint with DCF in Florida, and they came to try to help in every way possible. I was not happy in that relationship. Despite that, we were going to get married and make things right in the eyes of the Lord, and than he called the wedding off at the alter. I still stayed.
It took me until my daughter Gabriella was 6 months old to sucker up the courage to leave. And I left.

When I left, I still didn't deal with the grief. That grief started to turn to anger. I would look at Gabriella and feel hatred, and have no idea why. My friend whom I was staying with insisted on me getting counseling, and so I did. It seemed to help, but due to no insurance, I had to again, stop going. I stuffed it all inside, like it didn't happen, and spent hours working and going to school to deal with my daughter Gabriella's future, and try to avoid Kayleigh's death. Until recently... which is almost 2 years later, where I am faced with needing to deal with it.

Holidays are rough. Angelversaries are tough. I get emotional. Filled with anger, sadness, and so many emotions and don't know how to handle them, and when I try to, I have nothing left but the ability to cry.
Was I wrong to use this woman's photo? absolutely. and I am very sorry for doing so. I only hope as a grieving mother herself, she could understand what one goes through when they don't deal with it properly.

What is important now is that I have learned from all this. I have removed the photo. I have decided that if I am going to use photos no matter what the situation is, I will give credit to the photo, the person who own's it, and the link to where it came from. No blog is unsearchable. But I have also realized that I need to start on the path of healing, and deal with the grief before I get pregnant again and end up re-living a nightmare.

Let this be a lesson to those who try to avoid dealing with grief  Please deal with it properly. If you stuff it inside, and pretend it is gone away, it will cause nothing but problems for your mental health, and stress.

Also, please please PLEASE realize your not alone in your grief.

If you have a moment, and are religious, could you pray for me in this struggle to deal with the grief of my daughter, Kayleigh-Marie Faith Dettrey? She passed at 2:48am on May 2ed 2008. She had HLHS, a type of congenital heart defect, and reports show that I had a placental abruption with 5 clots.

And to that mother, you know who you are. From one grieving mother to another... I pray for you... I pray for your family. For your angel babies. I pray for forgiveness... and I pray that I am blessed with another child, a healthy pregnancy and a proper way with dealing with grief.


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